I'm not just left fascinated, curious, and intrigued by the energy and bond I have with someone but also the ones my friends have been facing very recently. A really good and close friend of mine has been encouraging me to pursue the feelings I have for this guy since it's lingered for about a year now. He says, "It's not over until it's over." It's frightening how much truth there is in that clique statement because I think we've both at one point thought we stopped liking each other only to realize how far from the truth that is when we reconnect. I guess out of sight out mind works to a degree.
We say a lot to each other. We express a lot to each other but never about what we really feel...about each other. That seems to be the death between two souls once connected. What's left unspoken...Not the words spoken but the ones unspoken. How long until I learn from my mistakes and the mistakes I see my friends make before I make a leap? Will I ever? Or am I just doomed to repeat the cycle?
How I feel about a person can be exposed, open, and expressed even without words. You can feel it in the presence of my energy. Even on email where the screen is white and black standardized type written words take the form of my voice. But just as easily I can conceal it, safely hidden from any danger, vulnerabilities, or risks. I tuck it right underneath the platonic chemistry, the foundation we built our relationship from. And if I really wanted to, I can call upon my "work personality" to project a one-dimensional, procedural character limited in its expression of anything based on something real or meaningful. My ability to keep my true feelings behind the transparent curtains has evolved to a degree that I can help to change his life without feelings its intensity.
How is it that we can be so open and be so censored at the same time through any form of expression we exchange? Text, email, the occasional conversation I'm privileged to have with you. *This is the first blog I've written in a long time where I've felt connected to it and therefore proud of its development because I feel like I'm giving a part of myself away. It's entries like these that I began blogging. It's nice to be reminded of that feeling. But as I was typing, my laptop shut down on me. That's what's been going on with me. I neglect my feelings (blogging) until I finally take the time to face them, acknowledge them, accept them, but as I begin to embrace them, I find myself shutting down and malfunctioning like my laptop just did. I know it's just technology failing me, but I find those two occurrences symbolic.
I don't know what to make of these feelings. Sometimes I find them to be a burden. How would you describe deep feelings you have for someone you haven't even hung out with that premonitions blasted into you over a guy you haven't even hung out with? Now that isn't to say that we don't have a connection or that we don't communicate, but it's undeniable that my feelings for him are out of proportion to this reality. Sometimes I'm fascinated by who he is, the actions that define him, what he does for me, how he helps me, how his presence makes such a difference in the lives of those who have been blessed to meet him, my feelings for him, how we are together, what we do for each other. But sadly most of the time our lives are separate, as though we exist in different realities only briefly encountering each other when we enter each other's orbit but only for a moment. Then as quickly as it came, it all just disappears but the feelings linger.
I wonder if he ever feels the same about me. Probably not. Then again how do I really know how he feels? I've been inside his head. I've had premonitions of him. It allowed me to feel what he feels, see things the way he sees things, and yet I'm at a loss when it comes to his most basic of feelings. It just goes to show you that you never really know a person.
It felt like he didn't mind my presence one day one way or another. But when it was just the two of us, the chemistry became powerful and romantically alluring. It never goes beyond that, though. And why not? I can try and protect myself from any basis of reality by trying to convince myself that he's never told me that he's liked me, that he's never found the time for me, but the truth is that he does like me. I just wonder why it's not enough to make it something more than just an intangible attraction. I'm afraid to uncover those answers. That's the real reason why I've been holding back. I'm not ready to be officially rejected with answers I can't deny because for now the dangling offers me a sense of hope.
The universe has greater plans for me, though. Is that why I've attracted so many people in my life lately that are struggling with the energy and bond of two people? They're realizing how powerful and fragile that connection truly is. My heart bleeds for them. I hope I've given them some sense of comfort through what I know is treachery. And yet I want them to suffer because that means they're dealing with the pain instead of masquerading it. Ignoring them or trying to replace it will only delay, distort, and damage a person. So I hope they go through Hell and feel every bit of what it means to be human.
It's when I help others and listen to the advice I give them that I realize how essential it is for me to follow the same sage advice that I've refused to even acknowledge existed. I'm not saying it's my fault that other people are going through crappy relationship phases. But it seems meant to be in a way that right now I know people who are because I focus on it, which in turn makes me deal with my own problems. Altruism. I don't know if I really end up helping my friends, but they say I do and they keep coming to me for insights, so I imagine I offer them something valuable. I hope I can do the same for myself.