Friday, July 23, 2010

The Energy and Bond of Two People, Day 204

This is a concept my mind has both lingered and marinated over. Some defining experiences has left me feeling drawn to the energy I have with one person and some others have left broken too strong of a word? Perhaps but that's the one that comes to mind. My problem with this is that I never give it the attention it deserves. Neither of us do, and I'm not really sure why.

I'm not just left fascinated, curious, and intrigued by the energy and bond I have with someone but also the ones my friends have been facing very recently. A really good and close friend of mine has been encouraging me to pursue the feelings I have for this guy since it's lingered for about a year now. He says, "It's not over until it's over." It's frightening how much truth there is in that clique statement because I think we've both at one point thought we stopped liking each other only to realize how far from the truth that is when we reconnect. I guess out of sight out mind works to a degree.

We say a lot to each other. We express a lot to each other but never about what we really feel...about each other. That seems to be the death between two souls once connected. What's left unspoken...Not the words spoken but the ones unspoken. How long until I learn from my mistakes and the mistakes I see my friends make before I make a leap? Will I ever? Or am I just doomed to repeat the cycle?

How I feel about a person can be exposed, open, and expressed even without words. You can feel it in the presence of my energy. Even on email where the screen is white and black standardized type written words take the form of my voice. But just as easily I can conceal it, safely hidden from any danger, vulnerabilities, or risks. I tuck it right underneath the platonic chemistry, the foundation we built our relationship from. And if I really wanted to, I can call upon my "work personality" to project a one-dimensional, procedural character limited in its expression of anything based on something real or meaningful. My ability to keep my true feelings behind the transparent curtains has evolved to a degree that I can help to change his life without feelings its intensity.

How is it that we can be so open and be so censored at the same time through any form of expression we exchange? Text, email, the occasional conversation I'm privileged to have with you. *This is the first blog I've written in a long time where I've felt connected to it and therefore proud of its development because I feel like I'm giving a part of myself away. It's entries like these that I began blogging. It's nice to be reminded of that feeling. But as I was typing, my laptop shut down on me. That's what's been going on with me. I neglect my feelings (blogging) until I finally take the time to face them, acknowledge them, accept them, but as I begin to embrace them, I find myself shutting down and malfunctioning like my laptop just did. I know it's just technology failing me, but I find those two occurrences symbolic.

I don't know what to make of these feelings. Sometimes I find them to be a burden. How would you describe deep feelings you have for someone you haven't even hung out with that premonitions blasted into you over a guy you haven't even hung out with? Now that isn't to say that we don't have a connection or that we don't communicate, but it's undeniable that my feelings for him are out of proportion to this reality. Sometimes I'm fascinated by who he is, the actions that define him, what he does for me, how he helps me, how his presence makes such a difference in the lives of those who have been blessed to meet him, my feelings for him, how we are together, what we do for each other. But sadly most of the time our lives are separate, as though we exist in different realities only briefly encountering each other when we enter each other's orbit but only for a moment. Then as quickly as it came, it all just disappears but the feelings linger.

I wonder if he ever feels the same about me. Probably not. Then again how do I really know how he feels? I've been inside his head. I've had premonitions of him. It allowed me to feel what he feels, see things the way he sees things, and yet I'm at a loss when it comes to his most basic of feelings. It just goes to show you that you never really know a person.

It felt like he didn't mind my presence one day one way or another. But when it was just the two of us, the chemistry became powerful and romantically alluring. It never goes beyond that, though. And why not? I can try and protect myself from any basis of reality by trying to convince myself that he's never told me that he's liked me, that he's never found the time for me, but the truth is that he does like me. I just wonder why it's not enough to make it something more than just an intangible attraction. I'm afraid to uncover those answers. That's the real reason why I've been holding back. I'm not ready to be officially rejected with answers I can't deny because for now the dangling offers me a sense of hope.

The universe has greater plans for me, though. Is that why I've attracted so many people in my life lately that are struggling with the energy and bond of two people? They're realizing how powerful and fragile that connection truly is. My heart bleeds for them. I hope I've given them some sense of comfort through what I know is treachery. And yet I want them to suffer because that means they're dealing with the pain instead of masquerading it. Ignoring them or trying to replace it will only delay, distort, and damage a person. So I hope they go through Hell and feel every bit of what it means to be human.

It's when I help others and listen to the advice I give them that I realize how essential it is for me to follow the same sage advice that I've refused to even acknowledge existed. I'm not saying it's my fault that other people are going through crappy relationship phases. But it seems meant to be in a way that right now I know people who are because I focus on it, which in turn makes me deal with my own problems. Altruism. I don't know if I really end up helping my friends, but they say I do and they keep coming to me for insights, so I imagine I offer them something valuable. I hope I can do the same for myself.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Kicked Down to Fail and Even More Driven to Succeed, Playing Catch Up to Day 183

Sometimes I feel like I'm not meant to be helped. This is an outdated entry. I no longer feel the intensity of anger, frustration, and exclusion I did when I first had this experiece, but I do want a record of it because this blog is more than just expressing myself; it's become a reflection of my life and what I go through. I want to remember these kinds of experiences even if my perspective on it has altered because our past builds our future. What we choose to take from our past is what defines it.

Being unemployed was a full-time job. Everyone talks about not being able to find work, but many of them don't try very hard to obtain it, either. I don't consider sitting on your ass and craigslisting to qualify as actively seeking employment. I've done so many of what's been suggested by experts - going to job fairs, career centers, employment agencies, cold calling, dropping off resumes at corporate buildings, using past resources, and faxing resumes to companies in the yellow pages, etc.

I was so frustrated because I put so much effort and energy into finding a job, and my results reflected someone who didn't put effort. It made me wonder why I even try. But I'd rather fail knowing I did everything I possibly could than just give up. I'm not afraid of failure. I'm afraid of weakness. Giving up is a form of weakness, and I can't bare that on my conscious.

What I dislike about our government is that there are more services available than most people are aware of, but you have to be in such a horrible condition before even being eligible to receive services. I'd rather do it on my own anyways, but I feel like even when I'm entitled to it, something always happens so I'm left only able to rely on myself. In a way I appreciate it. Being forced to rely on no one but myself has made me stronger, but I hate feeling rejected. Why am I always the one left out?

I was told that I could be eligible for employment placement services, bus tokens, professional work clothes, and computer lessons. I found a job before they did, so that stunted my eligibility. I had to wait three weeks before I got paid and I was running out of bus money. I began buying my friends food through my EBT card in exchange for cash. I got clothes and all of these freebies, which is great but there was this huge block against what I truly needed to be self-sufficient - BUS TOKENS & computer lessons.

I want to take computer lessons to increase my future employment opportunities. Of course, it took them so long to return my call that by the time I was offered these complimentary courses, I began work so I was unable to attend those classes. Even worse, twice I was unable to make it to my scheduled appointment. Work kept me hostage for longer than anticipated. That was disappointing, but I'm okay with being late for a meeting that could potentially offer me freebie when my time is being spent so that I can be independent.

What really made me livid was when two buses failed to arrive at their scheduled time (almost two hours late) and the bus was beyond crowded. I was being pushed and there was no room whatsoever and some ghetto bitch started talking crap to me because I accidentally stepped on her foot. Did I mean to? Of course not, and I might've considered apologizing except she was such a bitch that my apology would've been insincere. So why bother faking it?

She knew it was crowded. She just wanted to talk crap and start shit with me. People were sucking in their fat and sitting on top of each other just to make room, and yet there was enough space for this fucked up person to continually and maliciously kick me. What was I supposed to do? Start swinging in that crunched up space? I don't want to throw down and stoop to her level. Plus the other passengers wouldn't deserve it. But imagine the position it put me in and how it made me feel. On top of that she was so sweet and considerate to this elderly woman that I would've come off being the crazy and unreasonable one. The last thing I want to do is make her feel validated in any way shape or form.

All I wanted was a stupid break, for someone to say let me help you to make your life just a little bit easier so you don't have to walk miles away from where you live and leave 2 hours early just to arrive to work even though you can do it because we're here to help only for the universe to put all of these road blocks against me. Not only did I wait so long and then get kicked literally, but I got a call from the woman who's supposed to assist me with an attitude for my delay. To be frustrated because I couldn't make an appointment is acceptable except for the fact that it took her a year to return my call! Constant emails, phone calls, visiting the building, and then eventually cold-calling to see who they're affiliated with and then using that resource of going through the food bank just to get a fucking phone call after developing a relationship with two people who work there and she has the audacity to give me attitude? I worked so hard just to set up an appointment with her.

I was pissed. I was way more disappointed than she could possibly understand. I was waking up at 4 am just to make it to work at 7. I was having a difficult time understanding the program used for work. It was my second attempt at meeting her. It was even a challenge getting on the bus. Then some bitch was kicking me in the fucking leg! All because I worked my ass off to meet her. It took so much effort as though the universe didn't want me to receive these types of services and why not? I'm eligible. That's what these services are for, people like me. So why does it feel like virtually everything was opposing this?

I spent the very little $ I had left on taking the bus there, which meant I'd walk for hours the next morning. I can't afford to walk and not make it to this meeting is what I thought. What a waste of money, time, and effort! Why did I invest so much energy into an external resource? Hasn't my life taught me anything? These things never work out for me. Just because it's available doesn't mean I should exploit it, but am I really exploiting it?

I can go on and on about how frustrating it is, but at the end of the day, the reality is that I feel like I'm kicked down to fail and it leaves me even more driven to succeed because I'll be damned if I let someone or something keep me down. FUCK THE BULLSHIT!!! I got better things to do than trip off of why I keep getting road blocks that many others manage to evade because no one else is going to buffer my fall or help me up. So what am I going to do but get back up again? People think it takes strength to stand back up, but I'm not strong enough to stay down is how I see it. I feel like I'll malfunction if I don't get back up. It's the only choice for me.