Kicked Down to Fail and Even More Driven to Succeed, Playing Catch Up to Day 183

Sometimes I feel like I'm not meant to be helped. This is an outdated entry. I no longer feel the intensity of anger, frustration, and exclusion I did when I first had this experiece, but I do want a record of it because this blog is more than just expressing myself; it's become a reflection of my life and what I go through. I want to remember these kinds of experiences even if my perspective on it has altered because our past builds our future. What we choose to take from our past is what defines it.

Being unemployed was a full-time job. Everyone talks about not being able to find work, but many of them don't try very hard to obtain it, either. I don't consider sitting on your ass and craigslisting to qualify as actively seeking employment. I've done so many of what's been suggested by experts - going to job fairs, career centers, employment agencies, cold calling, dropping off resumes at corporate buildings, using past resources, and faxing resumes to companies in the yellow pages, etc.

I was so frustrated because I put so much effort and energy into finding a job, and my results reflected someone who didn't put effort. It made me wonder why I even try. But I'd rather fail knowing I did everything I possibly could than just give up. I'm not afraid of failure. I'm afraid of weakness. Giving up is a form of weakness, and I can't bare that on my conscious.

What I dislike about our government is that there are more services available than most people are aware of, but you have to be in such a horrible condition before even being eligible to receive services. I'd rather do it on my own anyways, but I feel like even when I'm entitled to it, something always happens so I'm left only able to rely on myself. In a way I appreciate it. Being forced to rely on no one but myself has made me stronger, but I hate feeling rejected. Why am I always the one left out?

I was told that I could be eligible for employment placement services, bus tokens, professional work clothes, and computer lessons. I found a job before they did, so that stunted my eligibility. I had to wait three weeks before I got paid and I was running out of bus money. I began buying my friends food through my EBT card in exchange for cash. I got clothes and all of these freebies, which is great but there was this huge block against what I truly needed to be self-sufficient - BUS TOKENS & computer lessons.

I want to take computer lessons to increase my future employment opportunities. Of course, it took them so long to return my call that by the time I was offered these complimentary courses, I began work so I was unable to attend those classes. Even worse, twice I was unable to make it to my scheduled appointment. Work kept me hostage for longer than anticipated. That was disappointing, but I'm okay with being late for a meeting that could potentially offer me freebie when my time is being spent so that I can be independent.

What really made me livid was when two buses failed to arrive at their scheduled time (almost two hours late) and the bus was beyond crowded. I was being pushed and there was no room whatsoever and some ghetto bitch started talking crap to me because I accidentally stepped on her foot. Did I mean to? Of course not, and I might've considered apologizing except she was such a bitch that my apology would've been insincere. So why bother faking it?

She knew it was crowded. She just wanted to talk crap and start shit with me. People were sucking in their fat and sitting on top of each other just to make room, and yet there was enough space for this fucked up person to continually and maliciously kick me. What was I supposed to do? Start swinging in that crunched up space? I don't want to throw down and stoop to her level. Plus the other passengers wouldn't deserve it. But imagine the position it put me in and how it made me feel. On top of that she was so sweet and considerate to this elderly woman that I would've come off being the crazy and unreasonable one. The last thing I want to do is make her feel validated in any way shape or form.

All I wanted was a stupid break, for someone to say let me help you to make your life just a little bit easier so you don't have to walk miles away from where you live and leave 2 hours early just to arrive to work even though you can do it because we're here to help only for the universe to put all of these road blocks against me. Not only did I wait so long and then get kicked literally, but I got a call from the woman who's supposed to assist me with an attitude for my delay. To be frustrated because I couldn't make an appointment is acceptable except for the fact that it took her a year to return my call! Constant emails, phone calls, visiting the building, and then eventually cold-calling to see who they're affiliated with and then using that resource of going through the food bank just to get a fucking phone call after developing a relationship with two people who work there and she has the audacity to give me attitude? I worked so hard just to set up an appointment with her.

I was pissed. I was way more disappointed than she could possibly understand. I was waking up at 4 am just to make it to work at 7. I was having a difficult time understanding the program used for work. It was my second attempt at meeting her. It was even a challenge getting on the bus. Then some bitch was kicking me in the fucking leg! All because I worked my ass off to meet her. It took so much effort as though the universe didn't want me to receive these types of services and why not? I'm eligible. That's what these services are for, people like me. So why does it feel like virtually everything was opposing this?

I spent the very little $ I had left on taking the bus there, which meant I'd walk for hours the next morning. I can't afford to walk and not make it to this meeting is what I thought. What a waste of money, time, and effort! Why did I invest so much energy into an external resource? Hasn't my life taught me anything? These things never work out for me. Just because it's available doesn't mean I should exploit it, but am I really exploiting it?

I can go on and on about how frustrating it is, but at the end of the day, the reality is that I feel like I'm kicked down to fail and it leaves me even more driven to succeed because I'll be damned if I let someone or something keep me down. FUCK THE BULLSHIT!!! I got better things to do than trip off of why I keep getting road blocks that many others manage to evade because no one else is going to buffer my fall or help me up. So what am I going to do but get back up again? People think it takes strength to stand back up, but I'm not strong enough to stay down is how I see it. I feel like I'll malfunction if I don't get back up. It's the only choice for me.