Sunday, June 27, 2010

This Job Surfaced my Insecurities and Past Difficulties, Day 178

I have to do well at this job. I'm a Customer Service Representative at a call center. I'm still in training, but I have to do well at this job. It's not because of the standard this company has, although it is a factor. I'm vehement to do well because this job has surfaced insecurities and past difficulties I'm not ready to revisit. I've attached an overwhelming amount of significance to this job, more responsibility than it deserves.

I'm intelligent. It's not conceited of me to say this. It's a true statement. I've performed impressively on a variety of tests that support my claim. Yet when it comes to learning a new skill, I demonstrate greater difficulty than the majority of other learners. How is that possible? I shouldn't be stuck in the under-achiever category when I put three times the amount of effort as everyone else when I'm supposed to be intellectually advantaged.

This is something I've struggled with my entire life. I try to address it when it becomes professionally-relevant, but I'm quickly disregarded as modest and/or insecure. I am insecure, but I'm glad to report that I'm making progress towards the opposite direction. With that said, though, it doesn't make my difficulties any less true. I'm quickly portrayed as quick-minded and capable, so I'm intentionally placed in an advanced position I don't qualify in. I'm not able to speed through it the way many people estimate I will.

This isn't my insecurity talking. This is reality, an unfortunate one I have to prove. And in the process I disappoint others, which frankly I care less about because I gave them an opportunity to make an informed decision and they chose to ignore it, but it taints the image they have of me and it eliminates me as a candidate for future opportunities. It's like I get punished for their misjudgment, even though I warned them. And it keeps happening over and over and over again.

I'd rather not revisit that unpleasant occurrence. I'd rather just do well and develop the ability to learn more quickly and utilize the intelligence I'm fortunate enough to have inside of me. I was once told by a really good friend of mine that I'm too quick for my own good and it makes me too slow to get it. I come to a conclusion prematurely, unconsciously, with the very little information I was given. I construct an answer based on incompletely components, so by the time I receive all of the puzzle pieces, I find myself confused and lost in a maze of answers that are incongruent. How inconvenient and frustrating is that!!!!???!!!!!!!

I feel so behind because of this. I never quite belong. I'm too fast to be entertained by mediocre intellect. But I can't keep up with high-functioning intelligence. So where do I belong? I attract people in my life that orbit around my plane of existence and that means the world to me. The efforts of my friends make me feel less alone. I may live in a paralleled world from them, but they're always close by and choose to stay with me as close as they possibly can. I truly appreciate that, but I want to travel to their reality where it's more adaptable and more successes exist.

There are too many limitations where I live. But I built a life out of it. I feel like I have to break down those walls just to escape, but I'm trapped inside so I have to be careful that I don't collapse the building I'm stuck in. It's a strategic process, an intuitive art, and an exhausting task. But one I feel will be well worth it when I'm free.

The decisions I've made in the past still hold me back. I have to pay off the debt I accumulated when I wasn't making enough income. So I have to put off school just to pay those bills off. I have to be later on my credit payments to ensure I don't get a permanent eviction notice on my record that'll trap me here because no one would want me. I have to work twice as hard and find work elsewhere just so I can prevent a catastrophe from occurring as it's developing. I have to stay where it's unsafe for a better future trying to protect myself from things unknown and dangerous.

I'm open-minded because I'm curious and want to experience new things. But I'm just one person. My ability to experience multiple lives has its limitations, so I look elsewhere to gain that. However, I don't have the best multi-tasking skills and that becomes evident in my mental processes. Also because I enjoy over-analyzing and do it effortlessly just like I am now, so much of my energy and focus goes to one component leaving me blinded to the surrounding other pieces.

All of a sudden when I step back, there are stacks and stacks of burdens I can't manage. I'm too busy trying to keep it from building that I fail to realize that I should and can ask for help. When I observed others who asked for help, it was because they were lazy and lacked self-sufficiency. I made a negative association with asking for help and grew up in an environment where you can get by without asking for help. I became the person who'll keep walking with a sprained ankle even if I was offered a ride because I can still walk. I'm not paralyzed. Terrible mentality, I know. But I'm getting better. I didn't realize how distorted and damaging my perspective was because whenever I need and want something I ask for it. So naturally I assumed that I was getting what I needed.

It's like I opened up my eyes for the first time and realized the services offered to me and that I qualify for them. It wasn't as much of a pride thing as most people think it is. I just believe that those services should be offered to those who truly need it, and my "need-it" detector was calibrated incorrectly. I was starving, but I can miss a meal or skip a side dish and feel equally starved. So I thought it was just my metabolism.

*It's been way too long since I wrote this entry that I'm not sure which direction I was planning on going. So as incomplete as this entry is, that's as far as it'll go.

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