Friday, June 11, 2010

The Universe Whispers to Me, Days 155, 156, 157, 158. 159, 160, 161, 162

Have you ever felt like your walls were closing in on you from all different directions, as though the universe is trying to gently guide you towards a better path? It's this subtle but powerful and increasingly undeniable feeling that I can't properly articulate but feel so strongly. It's not the same feeling that you don't belong somewhere. It's different. The truth is that I've made a life where I am, and I can probably continue to maintain it. But more than likely it isn't favorable for my soul and emotional growth.

I think that's what the universe is whispering to me except I believe that the universe doesn't have language. It speaks to us but not with words. Slight breezes passing by in opposition to where we're heading. The scent of freshness when new discoveries are near. The sweetness that cloaks us when we experience a hint, even a taste of what that life could be like for us if we just take the chance. The fire that sparks in us when we're closer to our dreams than we fully realize. How the heat warms our skin and makes our hair stand on ends. The way water rises beneath us and we feel the excitement of new opportunities thrashing around us, while the ground secures us in place. To know that we're going down the right path.

That's what it's been like lately, but I also know that I haven't lived it yet. I just feel it surrounding me, so close that I can touch it. And it's my intent to make the right decisions, allowing my intuition to lead me so that I can reach that destination. In some areas of my life, I can feel it stronger than others. Then there are other areas of my life where I know it's best to carve a new life somewhere else, but I don't feel this powerful connection to it like I do in other aspects of my life such as my home situation.

I know it's best for me to move on. I guess I just got comfortable in the crap situation I'm in because I've developed tolerance. I used to easily move and accept the burdens that came with it because it came more naturally to me than coexisting in filth, tension, unlawful behavior, and anything else I've ever really endured. I thought I was a strong person then, but as it turns out, I was led by my ability to manage my stress. That part hasn't changed, but the direction shifted.

I don't look forward to the inconveniences of moving, but it's become undeniable that I must move on. I chose to be in the living room so that I can keep the window open at night when I suffer from indoor allergies. If I take the room and my roommate has a complaint about it, it'd be unfair of me to keep it open. What if she gets sick and does poorly in school or can't attend work? These are factors to consider. I made a thoughtful decision when I chose to stay where I am.

I understand that the living room is a shared space. It's a reality I can't deny. But now that there's a futon in there, my roommate's made it a habit to sleep there at night because she misses how she used to be able to sleep in any room she desired when she lived with her mom. And when she's in the living room, she closes the window. That aggravates my allergy, and it's unfair that my allergies suddenly become an "inconvenience" because of a circumstance I didn't create. She has her own room. Why doesn't she sleep in there? It's one thing to use it as a functioning living room, but it's another reason to also turn it into your bedroom and interfere with my allergies.

Her actions are perceived as innocuous and in some ways, they are. But it obstructs my purposes in the process. I chose to stay in the living room because of the advantage it offered over my allergies. If those concerns aren't met, then there's no logical justification for staying at a complex where the assigned landlord's behavior borders under legal stalking and harassment for rent that isn't even due yet. Not to mention my once-friend neighbor who threatened me and stalked my former roommate. I cant' even enjoy natural lighting entering my living room because I want to avoid my landlord. It defines and puts limitations on what I do by choice but choices I shouldn't be burdened with.

***I'm still writing, but I accidentally hit publish. More to come.***

The situation with the living room turned into a bedroom with allergic reactions is a rather unique circumstance, but everything else is your garden variety roommate issues like the dirty dishes piling up and the hypocritical behavior over it. For me, though, it's the maturity level that's more of an indicator that I've gotten all that I can from here and it's time to move somewhere else. I can sit here all I want and express how frustrating it is (and I will), but more than anything, it's one of the universe's signs. That's the lesson I should leave with. That's why the experience happened for me, and how I want to remember it as.

Both sinks get completely filled with dirty dishes and right now it's caused by one roommate! How long does a person go without doing the dishes to get that bad? If she uses that many dishes, she's certainly the kitchen often enough to clean it! Some of it is ridiculously easy to clean, too, like a bowl of cereal that can be rinsed off with a swipe of a pre-soaped up dish sponge.

I get it. I've been there. And sometimes I return there. But it's not where I am now, and it's not the environment I feel I should be in especially since it's become more than just unpleasant. The real concern is that I've learned to tolerate and adapt to it, but with each increment of undeserved tolerance and patience I build, I'm slammed with another challenge to break down the walls. I know I can keep building, but I shouldn't have to.

I spend anywhere from 10-15, sometimes 20 minutes clearly out a sink just so I can use it to prepare and cook meals, as well as search for necessary dishes, utensils, whatever. I shouldn't have to incorporate extra time like that. It's such an inconvenience. So to make the space more functional, I cleared up the sink by lining our windowsill with dishes. Of course, it's unattractive and displays how slovenly the kitchen is, but I need space!!! I'm not going to clean after your mess! And I need to eat.

Given the circumstance, what do you expect me to do? My roommate had the audacity to ask me if I could return the dishes back into the sink once I'm finished using the sink. Are you fucking kidding me? So you're honestly asking me if I'd be willing to return things to their designated cluttered order so every time I need to access the sink, I'd have to shell it out again? What the Hell is that? I couldn't wrap my head around what she was asking me. You won't take the time to clean it, but you expect me to invest more than I already do to accommodate you? Oh Hell no!!!! Read your own damn note that says in red:


  • wash dishes immediately
  • If trash is full, TAKE IT OUT
  • clean/wipe down the following after use:
-stove -sink
-counter tops -dining table

Let's keep the kitchen clean!


We're all hypocrites, and I've developed an unhealthy tolerance to it, but now she's fucking asking me to help her sustain her mess her way that consumes more of my time? No. That doesn't work for me. The kitchen is cluttered with stuff.

My place here was essentially an undefined spot to begin with, and that's starting to get stripped away from me. What do I really have left here? Talking to a friend of mine who's had some encounters with her, observed her, and is really perceptive and astute has given me clarity, as well. I realized how much I don't belong here. I knew that for a while, but something with the energy shifted. I no longer belong at the place where no one belongs.

He sees her as spoiled, which is still a little difficult to wrap around my head but in a way it makes sense. My bigotry limits my perception, but it makes so much sense. Just because you've had to share your space with everyone doesn't mean you're immune to common prey. She told me once that out of respect I should get permission before inviting anyone over. What the fuck? She never asks anyone before inviting her boyfriend over. She expresses disapproval when others make a mess, but she tolerates her own to the same degree and sometimes worse. She's bothered when she has to open the door for others but has been asking to be let in because she's too tired to look for her own keys.

These are all small and understandable things we all do, but my friend brought it to my attention that she's spoiled in a different way than I'm used to. That's why she has these expectations. A mature adult would realize that her requests are unreasonable and not carry that mentality. True. I guess I was just so shocked because she seems more mature than me.

My friend observed that when she gets upset, she overcompensates for her lower maturity level by appearing higher than she is, while my maturity level drops lower than it actually is when I get upset. They're all illusions. At the end of the day, it's just not an environment I want to be in. She's a great person and I love her. She's like a sister to me, but the truth is that we're no longer compatible as roommates. A lot of things don't fit anymore where I am.

I feel like it's best for everyone for me to move on. My roommates want to request his wife to take over landlord responsibilities, but she's more professional and is more than likely to evict me because of how tense the situation is. All it takes is a legally-formatted eviction notice. They deal with the consequences of me living here just as much. They get harassed about me. My roommate's car window got broken into to steal an iPod. Obnoxious parties with people getting seizures from doing weed, shrooms, ecstasy, acid, and drinks have been absent for a little bit, but it's just a matter of time.

This place is convenient for someone just getting started because it creates a template of tolerance. It's right across the street from school and affordable. But I don't go to school right now. It doesn't agree with my lifestyle. And my life is finally going in a direction where I can leave this place.

I got a new job. Those who are in training with me realize what a challenge it is, but it's worth it. No matter how difficult it is for me and how likely it is or isn't that I make it through the program, I'm there right now and that's what counts. I got selected and haven't gotten eliminated for a reason. I have a real chance at this. And WHEN I make it, I'll be in a position to move out. Sure, financially, I'll be making more and spending more, so I'll level off. But I can't continue on this way. I can feel the universe whispering this to me...

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