Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Unexpected Friends Who Remind me of the Value of Friendship, Day 289

This title and "reincarnation" of this entry is so much better than "I Shouldn't Have to Give You Instructions on How to be a Good Friend". I was in a situation where I really needed my friends, and the only three people I could really open up to about these things were unavailable to me. I was filled with resentment, frustration, pain, confusion, disappointment, selfishness, hypocrisy, and such negativity. I'll elaborate on it and I feel like my position was mostly valid, but it's such an unhealthy perspective to carry. Now I feel like I can step back and see the big picture instead of the distortion I was focusing on.

Every action has a consequence. Sometimes that's a good thing. If I had written an entry when I felt abandoned, I believe it would've been written well and it would've been very powerful. But I would've channeled something dark. So it wouldn't have been emotionally healthy. It would've be chaotic and full of hurt. So this is better even if it doesn't have that same raw intensity because there are more important things in life than my writing. This is something I especially want to be conscientious of when things aren't going so great, so that I step back and meditate on what truly matters and what's worth my time.

I've been having premonitions about a guy I liked for about a good year now. Not the entire time but you get the picture. I saw some things I wasn't ready to face. He's someone I usually go to about these things, but I don't want to scare him and it's not something I really want to share with him. He's one of the three people I can open up to and if it came down to it, I believe he'd be there for me. But I didn't test it out. It's not his fault he wasn't there for me. So I don't blame him at all. It was just difficult being alone in all of this.

I have so many friends, and people remind me of that all the time. But there's only three people I feel I could truly talk to about these things and in this particular case it was only two. One friend, I straight up asked him if it could just be the two of us because I really need to talk to him. I was clear that I really needed someone to talk to, and he chose to spend time with his girlfriend. He invited me along, but this wasn't a hang out for me and I believe I was clear about it.

I hate being an exclusivist but eventually I was open with both of them. I'm friends with her, too, but this is really private and intimate to me. She understands how close we are. I told them both that I'd like to only talk with him. She wasn't jealous but absent-mindedly selfish complaining about how she wants to know and doesn't like being excluded. Of course, he chooses to accommodate her over me. That really disappointed me because I would never do that. While I don't want to hurt anyone, I understand how difficult it is to open up. So I'd rather help my friend in need than satisfy someone's desires to be a part of everything. That's just not reality.

I was mostly disappointed in my friend's position because I've never known him to be like that. As for my other friend, she's a good person but I find her to be a lot more selfish around me than around others, so I wasn't too surprised by her reaction. Don't get me wrong. She wasn't trying to hurt me. I know that and I love her, but she was just killing me!

I'm not going to lie. That night I felt like she was enemy territory. She has no idea how selfless, considerate, and overly thoughtful she is of others. I became the person who showed her and assured her it's okay to be selfish and it is. But I feel like I become the friend everyone feels comfortable being selfish around. I'm happy that they're making progress in their emotional self-growth, but I hate feeling like I'm the only one paying the price for it. I get the short end of the stick.

Her friend molested me once and she spent the better portion of the evening constantly alternating between endless apologies and the incessant "Why didn't he molest me?" and "how sad now that I can't be friends with him because I love how we can talk about meditation and spirituality." Really? Are you kidding me? Do you not realize how incredibly inappropriate and selfish that is to bring up at a time like that? And in case you're wondering, she believes me. It's just when she doesn't understand something, she runs around in circles and can be rather oblivious.

I don't blame her at all for that guy's actions, and I know she carries that guilt with her. I wish she would just unburden herself. But I hated how she couldn't just be there for me. And when this happened, she was another road block. I can't understand why she just can't turn her selfishness off for me, her friend, for just a brief amount of time. She tells me straight up that she wants to hang out with just him, so she understands the irreplaceable bond between two people. I may not be his girlfriend but a bond is a bond. She has to know that.

But I fully understand that regardless of her position, he had a choice. And he chose her. I hate thinking in terms like this, though, and I resent him for putting me in this situation. I'm a friend in need. He hangs out with her all the time. I felt like he was being selfish, a crappy friend, neglectful, and in a way saying your pain is a lower priority for me, enough to disregard anyways. On the other hand, though, let's examine me for a moment, shall we?

I'm pissed because my friend won't make time for me. I'm pissed because my friend didn't choose to separate from what's making him unbelievably happy to enter a paralleled world that isn't his own to help someone else when he could be where he wants to be. I'm asking him to strip himself away from happiness. What kind of friend does that make me?

I suppose it doesn't matter because he never made time for me after all.....

I have another friend who I feel I can share just about anything with. Yet we can't always be there for each other. He was going through a lot, too. I don't want to further burden him. I really don't. But paradox is a bitch. As much as I didn't want to bother him, I so desperately wanted to feel better and it ached for me that he was suffering, too. We can both be selfish and stubborn as all Hell, but we have this innate capacity to really be there for each other. We never let the perpetuating negativity consume us and amplify when the two energies merge. We're good for each other. I could've helped him, just like he could've helped me. And it sucked that he went MIA, so that didn't happen.

As much as I'm promoting altruism, it's undeniable the selfish position I stood on. After all if he needs space, that's what he should have. Even if I could help him, sometimes we want what we want. And who am I to really say that me being there for him would've been better than the path he chose?

I'm just really disappointed because I understand the desire to choose your own happiness than help someone else in pain because once you feel theirs, it permeates you. But I always do it for my friends. I have premonitions of what kind of relationship I can have with this guy that I've liked for so long and my friend doesn't know this, but I went to visit him instead of stay and let that relationship grow. I took a plane to make sure he was okay because he was heartbroken instead of build on my own happiness.

I know my friend sensed it because he asked me what I would've done this weekend if I didn't visit him and I told him to not worry. I lied to him and said nothing more important than this. He could see right through the deceit and I can tell his heart was breaking for me and he felt bad because he's a good friend. He apologized and I ignored him. That's what I did for him. And he couldn't even send me an impersonal text? That hurts.

The timing sucked. I felt so alone. I felt even crummier hanging out with my couple friend. Earlier in the day was fun. I made a new friend, but things took a turn as premonitions flooded me. I know my well intentioned friend just wanted to make sure I was okay, and I totally lied to her. What was I supposed to do? Ruin the evening by accusing her of contributing to our other friend being a selfish friend and hash out that jerk who molested me that she's already haunted by? What would that solve? I pretended to be okay, but I was doing a terrible job. She accused me of never being like that, and that really irritated me. I've been like that for months because of the new dynamics of our friendship. She was always just too oblivious and self-involved with everyone else's feelings but mine to realize. So for her to tell me how I am really struck a nerve.

We ended up going to a crystal house which was much needed, a spiritual experience for a spiritual struggle. That's exactly what I needed, and our ride turned out to be someone who was there during the best day of my life! I talked to him the least, but it was so refreshing to see a familiar face associated with a positive time. We totally bonded and it was just great!

It's thanks to him that this blog has a completely different tone. It's still really difficult for me to express gratitude, but I hope he feels it and understands what he's done for me. Just his presence, the opportunity to see him again, and taking us to the crystal house was just incredible. He's so laid back and we began talking about writing and the value of experiences for self-growth. He wants to read my blog and he's exactly the kind of person I want reading this. But I didn't want to give it to him without including this entry because I'm so grateful for what he did for me. Sometimes the most precious thing is priceless, to be there for someone. You were just a ride and a stranger, but thank you so much!

And when we arrived, I had an opportunity to talk with a spiritualist who that night became my friend. I remember I instantly sensed a different presence in her when I first met her. There was a group of people, and I was drawn to her. She gave me some great advice last time and is so talented. I asked to speak with her and she was so receptive.

I actually couldn't bring myself to tell her about what's been going on. I had her read what I wrote about it. She seemed so moved and not in a comforting, I'm there for you because you're in pain sort of way but in a I just hit a nerve and we now have a bond that's just ours sort of way. She puts it down and says in the most genuine way I've ever heard anyone say, "I completely understand." (And by the way that's a script I'm asked to recite to customers when we fail them, so I'm not moved by it very much nowadays). But when she said it, I felt something change in me. She goes through the same thing, but she had a different perspective but it happens to her in a different way. It was truly beautiful.

Thank you so much, both of you guys!

Monday, October 11, 2010

I'm Happy :) Day 284

I really want to take the time to remember and record this feeling because this blog is supposed to be a reflection of my emotional state of being. Some of my most powerful entries are channeled through my pain and struggles, but my happiness is sparse at best. It's difficult for me to express it, but it's important for me to have balance and learn to fluently express all of my emotions. I feel bad to take advantage of my happiness and use it as a tool. Yet I don't hesitate to splash my pain and turn it into art.

I don't want to elaborate too much partially due to my insecurities and doubts but also to the person involved. I try my best to keep everyone private, but not everyone can successful stay anonymous. As much as this entry is for me, it's exposed to the eyes of others. I can't forget that and it's something I never really let myself forget, but one thing I constantly struggle to remember is that this blog is for me and when I'm happy, it's for me to share and enjoy. It's interesting how I feel the need to express myself when I'm in a mood like this. Why can't I just enjoy it without choking on words?

Something happened that's been leading up to this for a year now, although it didn't always seem like it. Life was adamant to show me that you can't fight your feelings and some things aren't better left untouched. I've been getting so many premonitions about what it would be like if we got together and it made my head spin. Now that something's started, the visions have subsided. It's almost as if the universe was trying to lead me down this path and now that I finally began it, it's letting us call the shots. All I know now is that I'm happy.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Uninspired in Writing but Inspired About Possibilities :) Day 279

I don't want to force any writing entries especially about this and in all honesty I'm a little hesitant to write about this for a number of reasons. I don't want to jinx it. It's easier for me to write about pain more than about happiness. And even though I put effort into keeping involved parties anonymous, some identities are transparent.

I usually write as a way to anchor my thoughts, but right now I don't think I should be stabilized. Sometimes it's important to be a passenger of your feelings. But I also want to expand what I write about and how I feel when I choose to write. I'm happy. I'm hopeful. I'm inspired.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Painful Difficulties of Defining Myself, Day 274

I struggle with the barriers that exist in defining myself which makes me question if I truly do have a strong sense of self. No matter how crappy life felt, no matter how helpless, no matter how painful, no matter how alone I felt in this world, no matter how much I was convinced that the world deliberately antagonized me for its own amusements, I always prided myself in my strong sense of self. I'm independent, I'm opinionated, I'm uncompromising, I didn't let things intimidate me, but lately things feel different. So many people say the same thing that this could read like a clique and maybe it is, but I'm only me and I can only feel what I go through.

For the first time I feel lost within my own identity. I may have gone through identity crises or transitions that I wasn't too proud of but through it all I was aware of the changes that were occurring as foreign as they may have seemed. When I was sitting alone in my soon to be just mine pad, the power of the blank canvas began swallowing me whole. I began realizing that this is my own space that's going to allow me an opportunity to identify myself in my own space, and I have no idea how to decorate it. I managed to turn decorating into an identity crisis nightmare.

It sounds pathetic and I can't properly defend myself and say it isn't, but it was genuinely horrifying. My place is supposed to be symbolic of who I am and display my identity. For someone who knows herself, I need others to define for me how to decorate my own space. Do I even really know myself? Maybe this inability to make this space my own without the help of others is actually an insight into who I am and why I need to be away from others. I grew up fast, too fast, that I skipped a couple steps and years later I'm realizing from a distance how much those missing pieces are affecting me. It sucks to go back and fill in those gaps after so many years as I see everyone else progressing forward, but I can't keep existing with pockets of emptiness inside of me. That's no way to live.