Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Doggie Dog World, Day 265


I feel compelled to write an entry and the truth is that I have a lot I'd like to express, but I'm no longer in the mood. It's unfortunate how feelings and moods can turn on us. Sometimes I wonder how much we're aware of it and how it affects the overall outcome.

It's a doggie dog world. I have a friend who I really like and for the first time in a long time and even still, a first time, it felt like we might actually be making progress towards an actual relationship. It's amazing how liberating truth can be, but now I'm not sure where we stand. It's a doggie dog world. I want him, but there's another guy who I think likes me. I'm not saying I'm going to go out with him or that I'm even right. But it's a trip how much things can change so quickly.

When my friend and I considered progressing to another level, a friend who I haven't spoken to in forever invited me to a vegan dinner. That invite would've been a perfect opportunity to get some quality time with him, but it didn't even cross my mind. Now all of a sudden it's like something changed and I think he ended up doing something else. I suppose that's probably not too noteworthy.

I can't explain it, but it just feels like if you don't do something, something else will always happen. Duh! But it's a reality that hit me more than it normally does. My Dad spams me daily emails about the detrimental economy. I've been unemployed for quite some time. I'm in a crap situation which will hopefully change soon. I'll find out tomorrow. But it wasn't until I heard my friend talk about having to fire 3-4 of his employees due to a substantial financial cut that I realized what sort of economy we're living in. Hearing him talk just made everything real. Family, children, homes, as unstable as everything is, you build a life out of it. But it can be stripped away from you.

I feel bad for my friend, but I can't help feeling liberated by this change of events in my life. And I think I found a writing collaborator, so I'm really excited about that. My intuition told me that this is someone I want to get to know, but he just showed me the apartment. So I'm not sure how I was supposed to swing that. But every other place I tried looking at fell through over some extreme reaction and I got a second chance at my first choice.

It's not even the nicest apartment. It's very basic and you might wonder why I'm so ecstatic about it if you saw the place, but the truth is that I've always been a powerful extrovert and I'm a writer. Writers belong to the world of introverts. I'm not saying I don't belong there, but there's this disconnect. And I know I won't be able to harness my introverted side unless I create a space that's just my own. Where I'm moving to is easily accessible to my friends and a social life, which I can't eliminate even if my life depended on it, but it's also distanced enough that it'll make me receptive to personal focus on just me. I really look forward to that.

I totally understand why my friend didn't want to hang out with me anymore (the one who was to fire a few people). It just felt weird that I was so happy and felt guilty for someone else. I didn't have anyone to celebrate this with, which sounds selfish and I don't mean it in that way. All that I mean is I'm used to being happy in a collective sort of way, and for the first time, this was something for me to just enjoy. See this place is already gravitating me towards just me experiences, not a collective one.

Wow, when I write like this it makes me feel like I'm not an independent person but I am. I'm one of the strongest individuals you'll ever meet. I'm so different. But I obviously have a lot more changes that I need to go through and this place will help me with that. I can enjoy something myself which is what it felt like because I called another friend and he was in the hospital caring for someone else who has a severe leg injury. How horrible....

I go to work and share with my co-worker how happy I am about where I'm moving, too, and it's amazing because she totally gets it. She's moving, too, and it's a wonderful opportunity for her but she gained it through a series of unfortunate incidences involving the death of her neighbor in a brutal car accident. Obviously she feels bad, but she didn't want to pass up this opportunity that was presented to her, and I totally understand where she's coming from. But it opened my eyes to the doggie dog world we live in.

It's a doggie dog world. I'm not saying we should hurt others to reach our goals, but if we don't work towards our goals, it'll be snatched up by someone else. If I want to make it as a writer, I can't be afraid of wounding my ego or I run the risk of losing before I have a chance to win. If I want to be with this guy, I can't be afraid of rejection or someone will inevitably take my place. It's a doggie dog world whether we like it or not. It's our choice what role we play. After all, it's a doggie dog world.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Proof Enough for Me that my Intuition is Leading Me to Where I Should Be, Day 262

I'm not really sure where to begin or how to properly convey this sense of peace and knowingness that's purring inside of me. I've been living at this one place that's tainted with toxic energy. With every force there is an opposite, but even the positive energy has been contaminated and while I'm sure it still exists, it's become imbalanced and overwhelmed with the bad that there is no more benefit living here. Even the rent has increased, so I really have no reason to stay here anymore.

And it is was rather foolish of me to stay until I find a better paying job because that could take years. That's like putting my life on hold until something more helpful comes along. When does life ever offer me that? I know this entry sounds bleak and I don't intend it to be. It's actually a liberating reality. Some peoples' lives are sheltered and a breeze. Mine is not one of them. It's painful but it's breathtaking. I want to live.

I've been drawn to move to this area for quite some time. I'm considering becoming a bartender in that area. I'm confident I can do it, but I have to be exposed to that area to see if it's worth my investment and time. It offers me something extra that isn't offered here. It reminds me of home. People aren't hidden in their homes. The streets are trafficked with people. Everything is open. You can eat any time you want. You're surrounded by yummy food and not just the pricey snooty kind. There are bars everywhere and clubs. I'm not that kind of girl, but I grew up in that kind of place. So it feels comforting. The sticky floors. The exposed trashiness. The liveliness. That's where I want to be.

It's in an accessible area where I can be self-sufficient similar to where I live now but more expansive than I originally realized. There's a healthy distance between my friends and I, so it'll give me an opportunity to look within myself and become acquainted with my introverted side. But it isn't so isolated that I'd drive myself crazy. It'll force me to go outside of my comfort zone, but it's not uncomfortable, just new. That's important.

I was surprised that Koreatown is where I'm drawn to because I socialize with everyone and I'm not racist, although I do believe there are cultural truths to certain racial stereotypes. I always take the time to get to know a person before I make my judgment. I'm not going to say that I don't judge people because that's a load of crap. And, of course, I could come to the wrong conclusion and my personal biases can interfere with making a proper assessment, but I'm who I am. I can't deny that. With that said, I'd say I had the least connection with most Koreans as a whole. I'm not really sure why. It's just an observation I made.

So why would I move to an area concentrated with so many of them? It's a question I didn't focus too much on because after spending years of indulging in my compulsive habits of attempting to answer questions I'm unable to at that moment, I finally began realizing that the answers will come to me when I'm ready to receive it. If I really want my answers which I do, I have to stop prodding at it and give it time to build. So during this time I began looking for places in the area I was drawn towards.

The guy who manages the building has now become my writing collaborator. I knew I'd want to be friends with someone like him, and every other place I attempted to check out fell through consistently. After a series of mishaps, I got the apartment I wanted originally and I couldn't be more ecstatic! It's not even all that. It's a bachelor, but it's mine. And I feel like the universe has been guiding me to this particular place.

As for living in a highly Korean populated area with bars and clubs that aren't quite my scene, I realized during a grand opening at Tully's what my friend from work meant. He said it'd be good for me to be around my people. I didn't quite feel him, and I still don't entirely. But I think that's the point. Because I've never found that connection, I never made the time to go there. Now I will. It'll give me an opportunity to experience what I normally wouldn't take the time to do.

I felt so out of place hearing them sing karaoke. I'm so used to singing badly with friends for fun. It'll put me in a situation to take something I'm interested in seriously but in a fun way. I know that's such a small thing, but it's just an example used to make me realize that I'll be surrounded by new experiences. Lately things that I haven't been able to do have become possibilities. I want to see where this place will take me or where I'll take it....

A Trafficked Mind, Day 262

I think this title accurately reflects my state of mind and accumulation of experiences. Life is such a paradox. Why is it that nothing happens as everything is changing? How is it that as everything changes, absolutely nothing occurs? Those things should be mutually exclusive, but it isn't and that complicates it. And I'm not even sure I understand the concept, so how am I supposed to be affected those experiences? I suppose the best thing for me to do is to not analyze them and accept them for what it is, whatever it is.

My mind is overflown with countless epiphanies and experiences. Each meaningful in its own right, and it makes me want to provide them with the attention it deserves. But I don't have that kind of energy or desire. Something that's always been difficult for me is to snip corners. I need to prioritize which experiences are worth writing about and which ones aren't. Sometimes I think, man, I wish I wrote about this before the turn of events occurred because usually the change is good, but the writer in me knows I could've utilized the standstill to further my writing.

I guess I'm torn between the writer in me and the girl who just wants to experience life. I've identified myself as a writer, always, and only lately have I felt like there are other dimensions I need to discover. I seek the introvert within. I've felt drawn to moving to a specific place and I've been following my intuition, but I'm starting to understand why I want to move there and it gives me affirmation.

I'm a powerful extrovert. I love social settings and being around the energy of others, but there's always been that gnawing emptiness inside of me. I either ignored it and replaced it with friends or couldn't quite put my finger on what it is, so I barely noticed its presence or the absence of its presence. I believe most people are either extroverts or introverts. A lucky few have mastered the ability to channel between the polar opposites, but all they've really learned to do is travel between the two worlds. You don't really co-exist within those realms.

It's like this giant bucket. You can either fill it up with juice or water. The bucket's only so huge and can contain so much. If you try to pour both the water and juice in at the same time, it overflows and leaves a confusing mess. It's unproductive and dysfunctional whereas some people have learned to transfer the liquids out and replace it between the two beverages. I have a friend who's such an extrovert like myself, but his poetry is written by an introvert. Without reading his work, I wouldn't know such a presence exists in him.

I want to achieve that sort of depth, and I can only do that by myself. I'm going to move farther away where I know less people and it's harder to connect with my friends. It's also cheaper to live there, so I can have no roommates. It'll require me to rely on myself, intuitively. I look forward to it.

I began realizing the psychological damages of self-denial and suppressing my premonitions is more dangerous than I could possibly understand. I could be afraid to open up, but the feelings will linger. It's time I explore them and see where it takes us especially since we seem to be on the same page, both filled with attraction, intrigue, depth, reservations, fear, and this unfulfilled potential of what can be. We're both drawn to each other. I also look forward to where that leads.

Friday, September 10, 2010

My New Loves, Day 254

Timing is a truly magical experience that defines so much of our future. It's a powerful source that can either have this amazing life impact or feel like one of the most damaging tools the universe utilizes to brutalize us depending on how it affects us and how we choose to perceive it as. Last year I chose to work somewhere else than where I am now. After being in financial ruins, damaging my beautiful high credit rating, and resorting to a lifestyle that young adults have, I developed friendships I wouldn't trade for the world. Sometimes I feel like they don't feel the same and it hurts me, but above all else, I appreciate having known them and the way they changed me.

Everything happens for a reason. I may not understand why. I may be unhappy with the circumstance. But sometimes things happen and it makes me unbelievably grateful for all that's happened. Where I work now is far from stable, secure, or gratifying. I'm constantly on eggshells about my employment and on edge about haters who target me. But I love the people I met at work.

Even the trainers have observed what a close bond we had and they've conducted many training programs over the years. My friend once described us as his new luvs and I couldn't agree more. We've become this work family. You know when you meet people and it's just so natural to care and look out for them as though they've always been a part of you? That's how it is, and I love how receptive everyone is to this reality because I don't feel alone or awkward by over-caring in proportion to how briefly we've known each other.

One friend posted on facebook: "I really have to say that our training class was filled with all kinds of special people and we all made some type of impact on each other's lives in a good way, too. I did not walk out of that class not liking anyone and I am truly blessed to have met every one of you all! The friendships that I have made I am definitely going to keep! You can only find people like this once in a lifetime!" When we were talking she elaborated that we developed a unique and meaningful relationship with each person and we've made a positive impact on each other's lives. It's so true and amazing!

We talk about it all the time, and it's nothing my words can ever carry over which is both sad and appreciated because it's not the kind of experience that second hand reading should ever emulate. It's too meaningful for anyone to feel through words. That'll just cheapen the experience for those of us who are a part of it. It's too powerful for words to contain. On the other hand, it's sad because so many people go through life not meeting people like this. It's very much a bittersweet circumstance, and I feel so honored to be a part of it.

There are a few people who stand out to me more than others and you guys know who you are. I don't have to describe each and every single one of you guys to know that I love you. Ever since my friend wrote you guys are my new luvs I've been wanting to dedicate an entry to my work family, but I never got around to it until now. I'm really happy with the timing, too, because although as I've already stated it's a bond I can never quite share so to speak, I'm more connected to what I'm writing now than last month because relationships have grown and bonds have deepened.

I wrote this extensive email out describing why I began this blog and how I selectively chose people to share this blog with. It was detailed and I feel like I gave a part of myself by expressing what I did, but I mass emailed everyone. It, by no means, makes it any less personal, though. I met some new people in my life who I knew I wanted to share my blog with. One friend, in particular, seemed so genuinely interested and passionate in the idea of my blog. It really touched me, but I've hesitated in sharing this blog because I'm not as proud of my recent entries as I'd like to be.

After a couple months of promising to share this blog with him and him patiently waiting, he emailed me about it. I apologized for the delay and made both myself and him a promise that within two paychecks I'll share this blog with him. That would give me enough time to add some new entries and if I don't, I'll still move forward in sharing this blog. As much as I try to make this blog a place for me to express myself, explore the emotional aspects of me I've sheltered myself from, and a way for me discover and define myself, it's still a bit of a performance, too. That's an undeniable reality that drives me as a writer to better myself, to push myself, but it can also be a dangerous incentive for my emotional growth. I want to be proud of my writing and I want to write in a way that impresses people. However I shouldn't let those insecurities keep me from sharing this blog especially to people I knew almost instantly that I wanted to share these with.

One of my favorite emails I've ever gotten:

Sounds like a case of writers block… Just take your time with it, never force an entry. Be inspired when you write, I know that your gifted with the talent to write (I could just tell by your speech and your emails), so no need to press any harder than what your talent allows… Sometimes you need to fall back, absorb, and relax. But please, don’t feel obligated… I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT YOUR MADE OF ;-)

How awesome is that? Now is it any wonder why we're all so close? And the purple's international. He indicated so. If I had written about my new loves earlier, how much they mean to me would've still been evident. But with every action there's a consequence. I'm really loving that. I wish they all know how much I love them!

Monday, September 6, 2010

A Succession of Experiences, Leading Up to Day 250

I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been struggling with what's more than an attraction to a friend of mine. I've been through the entire discouragement process and hesitation, both out of fear and out of what feels disappointingly "right." Whatever the Hell that means! I hate how barriers keep standing in the way because my premonitions deepen my feelings for him. And for what? Nothing to happen in reality? What kind of cruel and unusual punishment is that? But I'd rather not be the girl that dwells on a guy. I got enough crap going on in my life than to invest much more energy on an I wish boyfriend that doesn't appear to be going anywhere. But maybe I'm wrong? Hope I am...or maybe I don't?

My living situation is like a neglected open wound that gets worse and worse. I feel like all I've been doing is stagnantly complaining about it, and I hate that. I've resisted from blogging because I don't want to indulge in these compulsive thoughts and distaste, but this blog is supposed to reflect how I feel. Stagnancy is never good, but it's prevalent in my life. So I shouldn't turn the other cheek as though it isn't an issue because it most definitely is. But I'm finally making positive changes to alter that.

I wish I would've been willing to make positive changes without being driven the edge. I don't get it. I'm an assertive, opinionated, aggressive, hard working person but I tend to hesitate with transition unless it's pushed onto me. Aren't those two things mutually exclusive? Sometimes I feel like I'm a collection of fragmented pieces that make up a whole. Each piece of me is unique in its own right. It makes me special, multi-dimensional, insightful, and dynamic. But I'm also incomplete components, so I can be very half-hearted. These discrepancies have always existed in me, but the burdens from it have become more prevalent.

At least I learn from my mistakes. The motivation may not be there but I'm beginning to become aware of signs and changes before things become awry. I need to work on my willingness to make preparations from an alleged catastrophe because somewhere along the line I've lost that will, but the recognition and knowledge of it is a powerful tool I never had before. I used to mindlessly prepare for unidentifiable problems and running around taking those security measures to not realize the dangers right in front of me. I was so focused on the abstract, intangible, or distanced ones that I lost focus on what was right in front of me. Now I have a clearer perspective so when I am ready to take action, I'll know what direction I want to go and how I'd like to proceed.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm beginning to see through the universe's eyes. I'm starting to understand why I've gone through the pain I've gone through. Each experience has taught me something valuable. The rapidity of changes and the demanding frequencies is overwhelming but one I shouldn't deny. What am I going to do? Ignore my intuition and do what feels wrong because it's convenient? If I don't make these changes, inevitably it'll happen without my consent. I certainly don't want that.

This was something I wasn't ready to accept in the past because I felt like I was surrendering to the chaos but the chaos existed because I was rebelling against a higher power. I know this now. Maybe the only way to end the chaos in my life is to fulfill the universe's ultimate plan. It's not this helpless act I once thought it was. It's team work. It's seeing the big picture.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Driven to the Edge of Desperation, Insanity, and Eventual Motivation, Day 246

After having a severe case of constipation, I found myself glued to the toilet as ants were lurking. All of a sudden I'm finding ants crawling around the toilet seat that I'm sitting on and climbing all over my legs. How bizarre and invasive is that? It's not like I had a jar of spilled sugar anywhere. So where did it come from and why was it even there?

The timing is mind blowing. The weather's been crazy hot lately and that's known to attract ants, but it's been feeling like Satan's breath for a while now. But of all the days for ants to be all over the toilet, it had to be that day! The one day when I was going to practically take residence there.....My friend who lives right next to me found the source where ants were entering - the garage!

I went to bed that night feeling sick. I found myself slapping my face paranoid that ants were crawling all over me but just around my face. I guess that should've been a sign that it was more than just paranoid and actuality. I just brushed it off as a negative reaction to the bathroom experience. I wake up the next morning to find that the perimeter of my bed was surrounded with a swirl of ants like a freaking marching band! Why would they be all over the place and selectively around the perimeter of my bed??? What, did I smear honey all over my fingers and rub the corners of my bed thoroughly? It makes no sense!

It led me to chuck everything! I gave my bed to a friend who loves the generic tempur pedic mattress my ex gifted me after we had broken up. Two years after we broke up and practically playing Cupid for me and the next guy who also had a bromance with my ex, he bought me a mattress because he had a bad feeling that I would hurt myself on my breaking air mattress. It was such a sweet and generous gesture. It's like the ex gave it to me to encourage fucking the next guy. It didn't work out with him and then there was another guy. So this mattress has a lot of odd associations and unique history of my past.

I wasn't repulsed by it. But at that point, it made me realize how used up it's been and I was gravitating towards change, birth, reinvention, starting over, freshness. My mattress didn't represent any of that. It's a story of my past and it carries memories between the pores of the mattress. And now it was laced with filthy ants.

My bed platform is also a unique story and representation of my past, my friends, my persistence, the support my friends provide me with and the effort they put in for me, their dedication, their selflessness, their contribution, an undying strength, an accumulation of experiences that can be referenced. It's symbolic of so much. It's a crappy, aging IKEA piece. Some of the parts have fallen off, broken apart, and it's been replaced and repaired with real wooden pieces and even handmade metal parts substituted in place of wood. One corner piece I snatched from a UCLA dorm when a guy was chucking his bed which was the same model as mine.

I held onto it for so long for so many reasons. I'm cheap. I became attached to it. It was more convenient to keep it than replace it. My friends put so much effort in supporting my irrational decision. They put time and blood into it that they didn't have to for me.

But at that moment everything changed. All of these sentiments and attachments existed, but I was no longer clinging to them. I was ready to let go of the the material possessions that represent my past so that I can move forward. I tore apart my bed and attacked it as a coping mechanism to my roommate returning after an unforgivable and defining betrayal which was also an attack against my past.

I didn't know it at the time I was removing a pivotal furniture piece from a miscellaneous living room area that I carved into a comfortable spot that it would aid in my transition towards a new change, a new path, the direction I need to pursue for a better future. By seeing the vacancy in my space giving a sparse, uncomfortable, less homey look, it gave this non-permanent feeling like I'm between spaces and I have to fulfill the void and complete the unfinished task of going forward in my life. All of this happened by getting rid of my comfortable, affordable bed.

I had to be driven to the edge of desperation and insanity to reach the motivation I need to not be stagnant.