Monday, September 6, 2010

A Succession of Experiences, Leading Up to Day 250

I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been struggling with what's more than an attraction to a friend of mine. I've been through the entire discouragement process and hesitation, both out of fear and out of what feels disappointingly "right." Whatever the Hell that means! I hate how barriers keep standing in the way because my premonitions deepen my feelings for him. And for what? Nothing to happen in reality? What kind of cruel and unusual punishment is that? But I'd rather not be the girl that dwells on a guy. I got enough crap going on in my life than to invest much more energy on an I wish boyfriend that doesn't appear to be going anywhere. But maybe I'm wrong? Hope I am...or maybe I don't?

My living situation is like a neglected open wound that gets worse and worse. I feel like all I've been doing is stagnantly complaining about it, and I hate that. I've resisted from blogging because I don't want to indulge in these compulsive thoughts and distaste, but this blog is supposed to reflect how I feel. Stagnancy is never good, but it's prevalent in my life. So I shouldn't turn the other cheek as though it isn't an issue because it most definitely is. But I'm finally making positive changes to alter that.

I wish I would've been willing to make positive changes without being driven the edge. I don't get it. I'm an assertive, opinionated, aggressive, hard working person but I tend to hesitate with transition unless it's pushed onto me. Aren't those two things mutually exclusive? Sometimes I feel like I'm a collection of fragmented pieces that make up a whole. Each piece of me is unique in its own right. It makes me special, multi-dimensional, insightful, and dynamic. But I'm also incomplete components, so I can be very half-hearted. These discrepancies have always existed in me, but the burdens from it have become more prevalent.

At least I learn from my mistakes. The motivation may not be there but I'm beginning to become aware of signs and changes before things become awry. I need to work on my willingness to make preparations from an alleged catastrophe because somewhere along the line I've lost that will, but the recognition and knowledge of it is a powerful tool I never had before. I used to mindlessly prepare for unidentifiable problems and running around taking those security measures to not realize the dangers right in front of me. I was so focused on the abstract, intangible, or distanced ones that I lost focus on what was right in front of me. Now I have a clearer perspective so when I am ready to take action, I'll know what direction I want to go and how I'd like to proceed.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm beginning to see through the universe's eyes. I'm starting to understand why I've gone through the pain I've gone through. Each experience has taught me something valuable. The rapidity of changes and the demanding frequencies is overwhelming but one I shouldn't deny. What am I going to do? Ignore my intuition and do what feels wrong because it's convenient? If I don't make these changes, inevitably it'll happen without my consent. I certainly don't want that.

This was something I wasn't ready to accept in the past because I felt like I was surrendering to the chaos but the chaos existed because I was rebelling against a higher power. I know this now. Maybe the only way to end the chaos in my life is to fulfill the universe's ultimate plan. It's not this helpless act I once thought it was. It's team work. It's seeing the big picture.

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