*The beginning of this entry addresses that I've been starting projects and am unable to complete them. Well some time has passed but I've been going through my unposted entries and I'm going to post this as it has been written, incomplete and true to its feelings when I first wrote it.
Friday, January 14, 2011
In the past which is so not a part of my present so maybe I shouldn't be even feeding it any energy by addressing it now, but if I'm thinking all this, then it's on my mind. Better to release the thoughts here than let those thoughts knock around with every other thing I cram into my over crowded mind. Back to the original sentence: In the past I've been successful at beginning an entry, going in depth, and completing my thoughts. Now it seems that I begin an entry only for it to go unposted because it's unfinished. I wonder how symbolic it is of my life right now. I feel like I start something and am unable to complete it and go on to something else. It's bothering me but that's what I'm drawn to do. I feel like I'm unemployed and should take advantage of this time to find myself, so I've been panicky cuz I want to try all these different things with unfinished tasks at hand. But maybe that's what I need, to explore. So I'm going to paint my place by myself even though I'm convinced it'll be a disaster because every attempt to get assistance seems to fall through. Maybe I'll do a good job. And if I don't, I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned. My property manager also gave me permission to start my own container garden collection, which I'm excited about. And I'm hoping a friend will let me borrow his violin so I can practice. I also began practicing dowsing. Probably the most exciting thing for me right now is that I'm planning to start my own writing group because people are unbelievably discriminating. They post ads for a writing group only to put me through preliminary interview processes, writing samples, pick at what I read only to reject me for reasons including I don't have a doctrate or a Master's. Really? Who are you to look down on me cowardly through email? I suppose such constraints and bigotry can serve a function for that kind of group. But frankly considering the stifling impression I got, I'm not interested in such groups or the energy I suspect they possess. So I decided to create my own group.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I had an amazing talk with a friend of mine this morning. After only my second day of giving up on my 7 am morning workout, I was laying in bed all lazy until I got an unexpected call from that really good friend who knows you really well and understands you because he's just as disturbed as you but is impossible to get a hold of. I guess he got a cell for Christmas? So he just gave me a call to give me his new number and we got to start talking about life.
When I think about it, I'm still amazed by how our friendship began. No matter how crappy my life gets, it's situations like these that remind me that there's a higher power. People are brought into our lives for a reason. We have a really altruistic friendship and it never fails that we come together whenever it's beneficial for us in our lives. I must admit that I'm proud of our progress. Two super detached people matriculating into the emotional human beings we're meant to be after years of our stubbornness wearing down and delayed wisdom finally sledgehammering into our pigheadedness to make us realize that it's good to be flawed, broken, emotional, and all the other things that make us human.
His biggest flaw is procrastination. The things he can overcome and achieve if only he can eradicate that virus that paralyzes him. It's a problem the same way my insecurities are. Even the greatest failures I can experience if only I dared to take a chance would be a greater success than what I allow my insecurities to shelter me from. It took me years to realize this because it's difficult for me to see the bigger picture, so it took years of unfavorable approaches to life before I knew there was anything wrong.
Now that I'm aware of it, I want to break the habits that infuse my insecurities and tangle up my dreams. I've been feeling that way for a while but today I realized that I have to expand my perception to do that. I don't want to waste any more years! So here's to old experiences seasoning my soul and channeling my energy towards a spiritually conducive next year and the following years to come!