Monday, June 14, 2010

My Desire for This is Stronger Than my Need for It, Day 165

After months of being unemployed which became a full-time job of hitting job fairs, career centers, employment agencies, cold calling, temp positions, scrimping by, and killing myself in the process, I was offered the same position I was offered last year at around the same time. Had I have taken that job last year, I would've been financially-secure and better off as far as my living situation and life stability goes in the conventional sense. Maybe even in the literal sense. But actions have consequences.

For such a long time, I kicked myself for selecting a job that was less lucrative, had signs of financial insecurity, evidence of conflict, and many other things that really trapped me to stay there for all of the wrong reasons, forcing me into a lifestyle that's unfavorable. But after some long reflection, I realized that sometimes the right outcome is born through a series of wrong decisions. I now appreciate the experiences I gained from that job because I grew and evolved as a person. I never considered myself a bad person, but that job turned me into a more caring, compassionate, empathetic, and deeper person than I realized I could ever be. It made me a better person through those pains and struggles.

I also met some amazing people along the way. They've touched my life in ways they'll never know. I'm glad to have met them and truly believe that if it weren't for my previous job that I would've never really developed the relationship I now have with each and every one of them. The experiences are irreplaceable and life changing. The financial hardship defined and strengthened me as a person even as it weakened me. And it's not like I lost out on that other job offer. I just accepted it a year later.

I find it symbolic that I'm at the exact place I could've been last year at this time. I keep bringing it up and I'll continue to because it's so meaningful to me. Apparently there was a class in March, but I wasn't offered that program. Now I'm in a training program with a bunch of amazing people, and I can't stress enough how much I appreciate them. That'll be an entry called "My New Loves." Those words came from a friend at work. It's interesting. On facebook, so many of them put a deep and meaningful status update on the same day. We all have lives outside of work, but I noticed that many of us carried a similar significance in our lives. I mentioned that to someone at work. She said she's not surprised and that she doesn't think it's a coincidence that we all came together at the same time. I totally agree with her.

This job couldn't have come at a better time. I've already been late on two months' worth of rent. I was getting desperate. I need this job because I can't afford to get evicted. No one really can. I was resorting to cash exchanges with my food stamps. I'd buy food for my friends and they'd give me cash for it. I ran out of toilet paper and have to go to Burger King whenever I needed to use the bathroom. It's not a way to live.

If I do well, this job is financially-secure. It's at a convenient location. It'll give me an opportunity to move out and live somewhere that's more conducive to my self-growth and emotional maturity, as well as offering me safety benefits. Where I live now, my roommate's car got broken into. There have been incidences where homeless people have squatted under the stairwell. Bikes get stolen. A neighbor stalked my roommate until she decided to move out and this same guy nearly attacked me because I was associated to his old roommate. A girl who lives in the same complex and doesn't get along with others might be moving in here. She's also the same girl that almost stabbed her boyfriend. The landlord is manipulative, hostile, and borders on stalking. Yet I live here.

And that's just the objective reasons why I should move out. It doesn't even include the burdensome reasons that come with roommate situations. For almost a season now, the dishes have stacked up completely. It requires me to offer time I don't have just to wash an apple in the kitchen sink. Cooking becomes a near impossible mission.

Selfishness is masqueraded and manipulated into a way that's meant to stabilize my own self-interest, as though my desires are unreasonable through an illusion of higher maturity that doesn't exist. If I have to move your clutter around to make space, I will. And I do it in a way that keeps the kitchen functional. Sure, it exposes to the outside that we're filthy but I've exercised the best possible option. I'm not going to put the clutter back to make it more difficult for myself in the future. If you're so ashamed of the mess, do something about it just like I do with my own. Their approach is acceptable for someone who just moved out and are trying to cope with their messiness. I'm past that, though.

I need something more than that. And as small as it may seem, I feel that I need to be at a place where I can grow my own plants. I can't do that here. The fact that I can't makes me feel suffocated. To change my circumstance, I need financial security and stability.

This job is structured and organized, a welcome change. There are tests daily. I'm noticeably behind in absorbing and retaining the knowledge taught. I seem to be trapped in this permanent state of confusion, and I'm constantly stressed that I'll be eliminated as a candidate. I heard this is the first training where no one was eliminated the first week.

If I don't make it, I still owe money. I could get a legal eviction notice on my record that'll further damage my future. I'll return to using public restrooms and schedule my liquid consumption according to business hours, such an unhealthy, unhealthy lifestyle adjustment. I'll continue to be stuck in paralysis mode and be unable to not only move forward in the future, but I'll be dragged back, as well.

Obviously that's horrible. But I've gotten used to living, surviving, adapting, and accepting of a life that's abstract at best. I discovered that as frightening as it may be at times that I'm able to overcome my fears. I discovered that as near impossible as it seems that living next to impossible is still possible, and I can do it well.

The one thing I've always struggled with is validation. I need it. I seem to care less about the general opinions people have of me. And the truth is that most people do validate and accept me. It's something I haven't given myself, though. I live, breathe and see my inadequacies. I'm intimate with them. It leads me to believe that I don't deserve acceptance, but I'm finally beginning to open up those doors.

Somehow I turned this job into a test that defines whether I truly deserve to step into that room that says, "You're good enough. You deserve to be at a higher standard than you put yourself at. You're no longer the one with the inadequacies. You belong with your friends where you place them where they deserve to be placed at." I know that isn't healthy, but that's still how I feel. So my desire to do well at this job is stronger than my need for it.


  1. jaymie, your insight to life in general is so profound.i really want to ge tto know you, those beautiful protruding eyebrows of yours. they are absolutely irresistable.

    sometimes when i read your blog i think you think your english is better than it actaully is. Look jaymie, bottom like, i aint no shakespeare but some of your blog posts are absolutely inspiring.

    i want to add your little booty to my friends list cause its always good to connect with a beautiful scholar such as yourself. i can't get enough of your posts. they give me light, they give me hope, they give me life.

    continue in your ways. everynight, i check eart wind and fire before i go to sleep to see if there is a new except for me to dwell on. i know you havent updated your blog in a while and in this time i have has no spiritual guidance to live by.

    its like this job i am about to start. i don't know if its the right decision for me, but the thing is i am absolutely certain i will give all my will and power to make the best of my situation.

    are you religious? do you believe in destiny? do you have a boyfriend? do you have a rabbit?

    please continue to do what you do best: write and inspire. i may be on drugs right now and very emotional, but the bottom line is that im crushing on you.

  2. Um, thank you? I haven't blogged as much as I would like, but I'm going to make time for it. I just need to make some adjustments in my life to accommodate writing with my new schedule and added responsibilities.