When we become victim to stagnancy, we search and long to escape it. But that's a poor approach because finding something that exhilarates us takes time. It's without a doubt worth exploring, but sometimes a swift change in environment is what's needed. So putting forth our efforts and energy into a long and tedious task is an error. As my state of mind began to alter, I realized we have to manifest our desires through our emotions, that intensity that stirs in us that stagnancy has made doormat. No matter how much we disconnect to it, we're human. We're emotional by nature. It's just a matter of tapping into that. In our innate humanity exists our desire to soar, tap into that and we're able to lift from our funk.
As I took my first breath of fresh air in a long while, I was immersed in an abstract energy that's still lingering around me. Maybe that's what's protecting me from becoming stagnant again. I've spent more time exploring what I want to do with my life, a tireless task and one that's become more and more mundane which is kinda self-defeating when you think about it. But this time I didn't delve "deeper" the way I normally do. My version of delving deeper is a formulaic approach of analyses that buries me deeper and deeper into facts, while separating me from an untapped passion that at best has simmered. I don't know if I was aware of that before, though.
I've been doing this same dance around job, career, a need for finance to survive in this society, etc etc. I'm tired of seeking jobs, not careers, because it leaves me unsatisfied. It's terrible for my self-esteem. And then I feel weak for so easily feeling inadequate over a job. Why am I that invested in it? But searching for careers is just discouraging as I'm ineligible for so many of them. And I can feel in my core that going to school isn't my path. I'm running out of time. I shouldn't be wasting it sitting in a classroom where I feel stifled and under stimulated. I know I'm missing a link.
I always tell people about how important it is to take the time to find your true passion, no matter how time consuming and discouraging it is. We either put forth the energy towards obtaining a life that we truly want or we wither away, merely existing. If you can't find what you're looking for or it doesn't exist, you have to create it. How is it that I express this powerful message with alarming results of epiphanies in others and it's only now I'm sensing its true power? Even though it came from me. I guess it's true what they say. You never really know your own light. It's hard to know yourself until you step back and take a look from the other side. Only then are you able to get a glimpse of what others see.
Sometimes all I need is a little exposure to open my mind. I realized that I'm going to overcome this stagnancy and protect myself from future attacks by searching for purpose through employment. No more weakening myself over the power of words like jobs and careers. That just leads down an overbearing path. By doing this, I'm open, receptive, and I look forward to this endeavor. It's been a long time since I've felt this way.
I've looked through cruise jobs and a few non-profits including teaching English as a second language. I'm hoping to obtain more knowledge towards non-profits. But I'll need some sort of income. I'd love to work with kids, do something educational, maybe start a community garden, be a youth group leader/coordinator, help build shelter, or counsel people.
Without the educational training or employment experience, compensation will be low. Then again, compensation in these fields are low anyways. Had I have gone to school, that extra cash flow would only be distributed to tuition loans. So I'd essentially have the same amount of play money as I do now based on my experience and background. Money is only prevalent in this society because it's required to sustain a living.
I'll need a roof over my head and hopefully these organizations can offer me that. Then I really won't need a lot of money. Food is of course also a factor. I imagine myself being in a community area where food will be shared by all, and I'll be more than happy to grow and cook for contribution. I really hope I find the resources, existing organizations, and the courage to proceed with this.
The idea of traveling to a foreign country for a long-term project away from friends and the familiar comforts of my life is not only unimaginable but paralyzing. Not paralyzing in a frightening sense but I sense no movement in it. Obviously movement will have to occur in order for this to take place. As much as I pride myself on being independent and exploring opportunities, this makes me hesitant. If someone gave me instructions on exactly how to do this, who to talk to, all the answers were provided for me, and I was told when to depart, I'm more inclined to follow. But as an adult, I'm expected to gather this information on my own. Without it, I'll be unable to proceed.
During which time I can procrastinate. I'm also afraid to let go. I've never really been the relationship girl before. I've also hardly met anyone I've been interested in. Maybe it's because finally I have or because I'm getting older, but if I leave this world to enter a different country, I reset my course of life as I know it. Will I separate myself from a potential mate? Will I be restarting the searching process? Will I become that woman who does great deeds with no love in her life? (I'd rather not fall prey to that Pisces fate). Or is this the path to find love? All these dizzying questions make me want to stay where I am and run into the arms of someone who can keep me warm at night. But that won't bring me PURPOSE THROUGH EMPLOYMENT AND THAT IS WHAT I SEEK!
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