I've discovered that the question, "when will you know" is an insightful way to see if how receptive and compatible I am with someone. I have a perpetual duality in me that keeps me diverse and open-minded since I'm forced to see both sides, but it also puts me in frustrating situations cuz I surround myself with people I fit with in some ways and not others. Although that's the case for everyone. But it feels more highlighted in my experience or it just affects me more cuz this is when it becomes most apparent for me.
I don't like confines and I like to be liberated. So I can understand why not everyone enjoys making plans cuz it reduces the amount of room for freedom and change to form. Keeping things ambiguous shelters you from restrictions. But asking questions of specificity isn't a warning that I'm attempting to suffocate you into fixed schedules! I don't like that such a common question triggers such insinuations! Especially from people I've known for a while cuz they should know me to be supportive and accomodating to thier lifestyles. If you've accepted me into your life cuz I understand how you are and I've never made you feel confined before, please keep that in mind the second your false alarm goes off that I might be trying to confine you... Just saying.
I suppose instead of saying "when will you know?" I should I ask when do you THINK you'll know? But most people who are put off by my question don't notice such distinctions, although in the future I'll try to include those extra words. I don't want to filter out signs that should reflect I'm trying to be considerate but I require information that affects me. While I'm making clarifications, I should explain in what circumstances I ask this question. It's not like I ask a guy I'm with when will you know whether you want me to be your girlfriend or not. That blows!
But if we mention in passing that we might hang out tonight, maybe, based on the outcome of something such as work responsibilities or whatever, don't be so surprised or suspicious that I'm trying to trap you. Maybe I'm just trying to plan, which you may not like, but not everyone shares your distaste. If things are up in the air, I won't hold it against you if things don't go according to plan. But I certainly don't want to sit around waiting mindlessly only for things to not work out when there's a possibility that you could've given me insight. I'll determine whether I'm willing to keep my schedule open for you.
If I'm asking for specifics, you're probably worth it. And this is the case for anyone and especially more so towards friends. So when I'm involved with someone and they express an apparent distaste for my specific inquiries as though I'm trying to trap them in a relationship, it's frustrating cuz I find I'm unable to convince someone in that mindset the truth. I ask everyone when will you know if uncertainties exist cuz I don't drive! I have to plan things! And most people I know go with the flow, so hang outs not happening aren't the end of the world for me. And I don't know is an acceptable answer and far more appreciated than "You know I don't like to plan things. You're suffocating me with these specific questions!" Ugh!
Clearing the air by giving perspective and insight into how this person isn't as important as others who I also ask these types of questions to are both pointless and ineffective. Just say I don't know! I think people who get upset by my question are more frustrated with the fact that they don't know the answer than my actual inquiry cuz they're so into their own thoughts. Besides these same people demonstrate an interest for specifics. The more I analyze it, the more I realize how irrelevant it is. They know I'm not trying to suffocate anyone. And they aren't receptive to the reassurance that I'm not trying to trap anyone.
Oddly enough this isn't something I'm currently struggling with cuz I don't want anyone reading this to worry that I'm going through something. I just remembered it cuz I asked a friend when will you know and he was receptive and gave me an estimate. He knows that if his estimate was inaccurate or it doesn't work out that I won't hold it against him cuz he's naturally aware. Not everyone is and it can cause a problem. I'd like to surround myself with people who understand this about me. I'm understanding to a fault. If I think I'll cause any sort of friction, I retreat and I sacrifice a lot of personal happiness in the process. I do all that and then to get accused of trying to change someone is insulting!