Friday, February 17, 2012

Random Thoughts

Maybe this daily writing isn't working cuz rather than waiting for thoughts to marinade, I fill the pages with random thoughts just so I do something everyday. What's the point of doing something everyday if the results aren't adequate? I guess I'm developing discipline, but not quite in the way I wanted to. I feel like a lonely receptionist cuz I end up having lunch alone because everyone else leaves at the same time. Then I'm stuck watching the front desk. It's expected considering my job, but it leaves me feeling alone. Everyone goes to lunch with someone but me. It gets lonely.

I have a lot of friends, but sometimes I feel so alone as if I don't have any. My friends are usually so busy that I'm unable to just pick up the phone to spend the day with them. I have one friend I can do that with, but even that's become routine and limited to certain days. I'm trying to be understanding that sometimes people are busy or get into a funk. When you're financially constrained or have car problems, it makes hanging out difficult. Not everyone's willing to just go carless.

It'll be my birthday on Monday and I wonder if anyone outside of fb friends who get notified will remember. I'm having a small gathering and I'm still not sure everyone can make it. I wonder if my mom and brother will remember if it's my birthday and give me a call. It'd be nice to hear from them. I really wanna watch Secret World of Arrietty tonight. I never feel like watching movies at full price, but it's been a while since I've had that movie experience and it'd be a nice pre-birthday treat. I doubt I can even find someone to go with, though.

I could care less about getting a year older, but I don't like the circumstance attached to my age. I'm now at an age where older guys feel comfortable hitting on me. I feel like I've made progress on keeping that sort of energy away, but it makes me wonder how I'm supposed to make friends. I don't like the idea that guys that are too old try to "bag" me cuz they want to recapture their youth, and although they sense my distance, they're desperate to proceed. It doesn't make me feel good. Even worse, they seem to be the only guys giving me attention except it's unwelcome.

I just found out that one of my co-workers, the only one who I feel I could've developed a friendship with quit. We had plans to go shopping today. I guess I can't blame a stranger for not informing me when it's not that imperative to let me know, and she's dealt with a lot - her grandmother's death, being really sick, the most ridiculous commute time ever, and a sexist supervisor that's overworked her. I hate feeling like this cuz I'm whiny. I try to regulate myself with understanding perspectives, but it leaves me feeling left out and alone. This job isn't good for my social and emotional self-esteem. I sit alone all day and when lunch rolls around, I sit alone eating at my desk. There's worse and I know that. But it doesn't change the fact that it leaves me feeling so horrible.

Blogger's pissing me off. I can't post recipes without a bunch of spaces between each line, and I don't know how to reverse it. The settings are the way they should be.

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