Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Lil About Me

Here is a list of some of my thoughts, opinions, and perspective. Basically some things that make me me. :)

1. There are givers and takers in the world. I'm a giver/taker hybrid. I think it's the best combination and I'm not just saying that because it's the category I fall under. Givers have takers in their lives. It's the balance of the universe. Givers enjoy giving. Takers enjoy taking. The problem with this is that givers deplete of energy emotionally (and spiritually). And they don't take from others to replenish. Takers don't reciprocate by nature.

As a giver, I understand how satisfying giving is. But as a taker, I understand the value of having balance. I don't experience the guilt many takers feel when they need something from someone or somewhere else. I know that by taking, I'm able to harmonize myself and continue to give. As a giver I know how draining it can be, so I try my best to not overtake.

Of course, I fail. But I've finally become the kind of person I would want to be friends with. That's a huge step for me. And I feel like I can finally celebrate who I am because I spent most of my life being one or the other, never combining both elements. That imbalance caused a lot of internal conflict that polluted my life and interaction with others. I'm finally starting to get it right.

2. I'm not a racist, sexist, or homophobe. If you're any or all of these things, I don't respect you. I may not know this about you or have developed a friendship with you before I discovered this, in which case I'm unable to just stop caring about you and I may be civil towards you but know that you have lost my respect.

Don't get me wrong. I believe there are cultural truths to certain stereotypes and acknowledging them reveals to me that you have basic observational skills and can recognize correlations. I also don't mind racist jokes. I think they can be hilarious. Sure, maybe that's callous and in poor taste but I'm thick-skinned, so it doesn't bother me. It's when you judge an entire group of people without taking the time to get to know people do I have a problem.

As a diverse and dynamic person, I know how different people can be. Some people are going to fit into a stereotype. Some people outside of their own racial stereotype will fit into another. Some people won't fit into a stereotype. Everyone's different. Only through experience and open-mindedness can we truly evolve and grow. If you live a life that deliberately stifles that, I'm not interested in that kind of negativity and bigotry.

I grew up in a culture where females are considered inferior, and I loathe that. Women's purpose is to give birth, cook, clean, and essentially support men, so they can strive. But what I never understood is if women are so inferior and we're tasked to do things children can learn which means it isn't impossibly difficult that many Japanese men seem completely incapable of, how are you superior to us? It's a stupid logic, really. And how can men identify themselves as superior when you've never really been challenged by women? It's like a forfeit win. Do you really consider yourself a true winner?

We're all victims of social conditioning, but even as a child I had an unusually high tolerance towards it. I questioned everything and rejected notions I now as an adult understand why I rejected. I got a lot of grief growing up over it. I have no regrets about the position I took and the consequences I had to endure for standing firm in my beliefs. It's shaped me into who I am. Don't ever fucking tell me I'm less than you cuz I'm a woman. Fuck you!

I grew up in San Francisco. I've always been independent and a free thinker. No one could ever convince me of something without my consent, no matter how adamant the opposing force is. You don't like the idea of homosexuality. That's fine. I don't like it, but I believe everyone's entitled to their own opinions. What I do have a problem with, however is when people try to impose their beliefs onto others when the actions of others are of no harm to you.

On a purely selfish level, trying to suppress homosexuality can have a consequence on us. I sure as Hell don't want to end up with a closet gay. Do you? I'm not into the whole gay thing. I love dick. So guess what? I'm not gay! Easy solution. But the opposite position exists. It should've never become such a widespread debate in the first place, but since it has become one, it's a scientific fact that homosexuals exist! Let them be!

3. I'm Japanese-Korean, first born daughter of two very traditional Japanese parents. The ideal Japanese daughter, the ideal Japanese woman is traditional, passive, submissive, domesticated, feminine, and compliant. I'm independent, dominant, aggressive, a free thinker, unconventional, and daring. I question everything and test my boundaries. I'm more abrasive than I am gentle and meek. I'm certainly an acquired task.

I had a difficult childhood as a result, but both worlds presented to me had pain and difficulty laced through it. If I try to stomach what's unnatural to me and disagree with, it eats away at me. If I express who I am, I'm rejected and brutalized for it. But I had a sense of pride and relief, however momentary it was, by being myself. So that's what I chose, and I have no regrets. The pain that came with that decision eventually went away as I became more thick-skinned and comfortable in my beliefs, independent of others. As an adult, I'm finally appreciated for it. :) It's an exhilarating and comforting feeling that I wouldn't change for the world.

4. Most of my friends are guys. I'm not very close with my family, so my friends mean the world to me. I could never be with a guy who won't accept that. It's understandable to be jealous or insecure. That's human nature. I won't blame you for how you feel. I can however blame you for your actions. If you dare give me an ultimatum, you'll lose, baby. A huge part of who I am is because of my friends, and I'm finally proud of who I am. I'm an independent person who prides herself on her individuality. To strip my friends away is like stripping away at my identity. You can't fucking rip apart a person and just tear away at the qualities you don't like about them. Then stretch out the qualities you do like and stitch them back together. That's beyond unacceptable.

5. I'm not really the dating kind of girl. I think guys sense that because guys who want to date tend to keep their distance from me. I haven't really had too many of those the guy picks you up, buys you flowers, takes you to a restaurant, and pays for your meal. I usually know the guys I get involved with, so either he comes over and I make dinner for us or he makes us dinner at his place. I don't really like the idea of the traditional date because you sit down and go through a series of standardized questions that you can honestly uncover through each other's fb. How insightful is that really going to be?

Life happens when you're unprepared and spontaneous. That's also when people expose them for who they really are, whereas dating is a socially-acceptable diversion from getting to truly know each other and prolongs the facade. When a guy tries to be impressive and impresses me, that's a cause and effect. It correlates. I wanna get to the nitty gritty center to see if we get along for who we really are. It's not the positive that tears people apart. The negative qualities are the make or break it deals.

When you're in that dating mode, you're conveying this one-sided version of you which is distorted. I don't want to get used to that illusion. And it's such a waste of time if after all that you discover you hate each other when you reveal to each other your true selves. I'm not for it. Gee, I wonder why I'm single.... But at least I'm honest and real. So I'm at peace with myself. That's more than what I can say for others, so ha!

I just think there are ways to get to know a person without such confinements. It's hard for me to find someone I'm interested in, and it's even rarer to find a guy who likes me for who I am. But when it happens, it's beautiful. I wouldn't change it for the world. I want things to be natural, exciting, fun, and enjoyable. I've never done well in traditional settings. Whoever I end up with isn't going to tolerate that "deficiency" but celebrate that quality in me. :)

6. I fear being vulnerable. I don't like losing control, not having power. Nothing leaves me more helpless than when I start to like someone. That's when my feelings stop becoming compliant. I'm no longer the driver, and I become a passenger. I have no leverage or upper hand. It terrifies me. Most people love that attraction, flood of exhilarating feelings, the lust, but I'm weary of it.

7. Purple is my absolute favorite color. My friend calls my place the "Purple Palace". :) I love that description! I have violet walls and purple trim. There's going to be a customized talisman that symbolizes who I am and who I want to become, as well as a chakra that's customized to my height and body. As the title of my blog might suggest, balance and diversity is important to me. I try to have as many different elements in my home as I can have. Air - plants that produce oxygen (although I haven't bought that yet, I plan to!) Earth - rocks, stones, crystals. Fire - Candles Water - Water in plants and vases.

8. I want to publish a book on nutrition, a memoir, decorating, cooking, and some other topics I'd rather keep anonymous at this time.

9. Outwardly I may look like a gurly gurl, and I've even been given that nickname. I like to wear cute gurly clothes - tulip skirts and figure flattering tops to enhance my slender stature. But I don't take long to get ready. I usually look attractive, but I don't bother with makeup. I'm not into high maintenance and unnecessary time-consuming activities that contribute to illusions. That's just a form of bullshit that doesn't make me feel better because it makes me think I have to do this to be more attractive. I want to spend my time doing things that make me feel good. I like to be natural. And I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. Beauty is so superficial. If I become so unattractive that I need the help of makeup, I won't want to engage in that task because underneath it all, the truth remains. I'll focus on something more enriching. I'm thick skinned. I'm not that weak, whiny Pisces guys initially fear.

10. 3 is a powerful number for me that speaks to me. When I first began getting premonitions, I got them in waves of three. Three is also a very real number. 3 dimensional means that you get to see the person in front of you, you can touch them, feel them, smell them, hear them. It's life. It's also a realistic number to me. It isn't one-sided, metaphorically speaking. There are positive and negative connotations about this number. 3's a crowd. But there's also - who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. The past, present, and future. All of these things include the good and the bad. Life can't have one without the other. There has to be balance - an element between good and evil. I don't like to be sheltered or censored. Diversity is important to me, That's what 3 offers me.

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