Thursday, July 21, 2011

Life is So Fragile and I Don't Want to be the Drowning Man

I'm not particularly a religious person. I'm spiritual, though. I believe that when the universe wants to me to go down the most conducive path for my success and spiritual growth, it becomes apparent especially when I try to resist it for whatever reason. I also know that I have a powerful energy and strong will; I have the ability to manifest my desires when I focus.

I need a job. I've been needing one for a while. I've been lucky enough so far to make rent, but living on temp gigs that may or may not approach is so risky. Since I'm not working and it's summertime, I've been going to a bunch of pool parties where my friend's friends seem to have reputable jobs with some extent of authority. They work for the city or state. Nowadays, it's all about networking and who you know. No matter how qualified you are for a job, if no one looks at your resume, you'll never even be considered. Accepting their help to get my foot in the door sounds great, but I don't like the idea that these guys are offering me assistance as they stare at me in a bikini. That's an understandable resistance, but it's my pride interfering with an opportunity to have steady income. So on the opposing end, that doesn't sound particularly logical to refuse, either.

I didn't decide to budge because I'm getting desperate financially because if that were the case, I would've skipped through the whole stubborn melodrama cuz eventually I was going to hit an inevitable financial plateau. Then what? I resort to what could've helped sooner? Well, that's dumb. But I went camping this past weekend and there's something enlightening about being close to nature.

As much of a free thinker as I'd like to think I am, I haven't escaped social conditionings and perceived notions. Pride clouds my judgment or is at least a factor. There's always going to be opposing thoughts and reasons to hesitate with virtually anything I do. So at the end it boils down to what is worth pursuing and what isn't based on my desires, priorities, and such. In nature where I'm free and I don't have to put up a barrier where I have to defend my validity because I'm a girl, the things that matter the most becomes most audible. I NEED A JOB!!!

And when I'm not too busy being prideful, I'm able to observe that many opportunities like these keep presenting themselves. It made me think of a Christian reference of a man who was drowning and refused to be rescued, insisting that God will save him. After many attempts to save him were unsuccessful and he dies, he asks God why he wasn't saved. God said I sent you rescuers, but you denied them every time! I don't want to be that drowning man.

Maybe this isn't the most ideal way for me to get a job according to my notions of what's considered acceptable and isn't which is subjective to begin with, but when is life ever ideal? My friend's daughter has been fighting cancer for years now, and recently she passed away. Do you think she would've opposed assistance to obtain an opportunity that's much needed? Probably not. A teenager was shot in San Francisco by police, and there's an outrage going on about that, even though death happens all around us. Another friend lost someone in his life. Another, her grandmother. Life is so fragile. I don't want to waste the time I have here over trivial matters.

I'm nearing my 30's as a high school dropout and I have no college degree. As with many things in my life, there are reasons but none of which truly matter cuz while the stories are interesting and outrageous, the truth is it doesn't change the circumstance. I believe there's more than one way to succeed in life, and it isn't through education. I have to find the path that's right for me cuz the universe seems to constantly re-direct me away from sitting inside of a classroom and steering me more towards the battlefield, exposed and right in the middle of it all. I guess I'm gutsy enough to hang. Sometimes, though, I wish I could use a break but whatever, things can be worse.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship cuz I can't even get a job and my biological clock is ticking. Not that I'm really tripping off of that now because regardless of my age and my body, I have desires separate from those factors. But the problem is that I'm so behind in my own life that I have to work harder and faster to catch up, so WHEN I'm ready, not when my age or society tells me I should be, I want everything else in my life to be more or less developed so I can pursue my desires.

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