Isn't it incredible how a seemingly ordinary, single thought has the ability to redefine and change our perception radically? It may even be a common thought, a fact that's been known to us for some time and yet with every changing moment, our perspective alters and it can turn a mere fact into a profound discovery. I wonder how that happens. There was nothing extraordinary about today that turned this reality into an epiphany I just can't shake.
It's July, and that means October is three months away. Actually it's going to be August shortly, so October will be approaching us even sooner. This has always been the case, but that struck me really hard today. My lease expires in October. I feared that I wouldn't be able to survive my lease without a job and was terrified about being evicted. Now I'm nearing the end of my lease, and my apartment hasn't even come together.
Each day passes with an undefined, uncertainty for me. It goes by deceptively slow, making me feel like I have far more time than I actually do as I find myself lost in relative time. This isn't the first time I've written about epiphanies, but there's something startling and unsettling about this one. I'm terrified that I won't be able to catch up with time, that things will never change. It's no longer about discovering something new but the possibility of no new discoveries. There's this presence of anxiousness, anticipation, nervousness, and most frighteningly imperativeness like I have to get something done. I need to create, I need change, I need to define myself, invention!
I met a guy that I really like. He's the first guy I've ever met that I felt I can see myself spending my life with. Note how my intuition or subconscious used the words "spend my life with", not "spend the rest of my life with." That distinction keeps ringing in my mind, as though it matters. I really don't want to burden myself with excess worry I can't do anything about, but it's a constant echo in my voice.
I told him I'm not ready to be in a relationship because I don't even have a job. I'm 27. Eventually my body's ability to reproduce will just die. I didn't realize until last year that I wanted children, so my mind is going bonkers. I didn't feel behind because I thought my priorities were different. I hate that I haven't even focused and developed myself yet, and a guy is what's shocking my senses in check. So much for being independent! Pfft!
I have no idea what I want in life. There are a lot of things I want to do, but none really inspire me to put the energy and effort into it. At this point, I know I just need a job so I can at least decorate my place and enjoy it before I have to leave. But my actions will be to serve a purpose outside of myself. I mean yes it's for me, but they're superficial reasons. My fear is that I'll perpetuate the very thing I've successfully escaped by being unemployed, not getting trapped in existence. I'm tired of working just to wake up and do it. I want to live, I want to have experiences. I know my habits and my actions that I've carried with me my entire life isn't conducive to my self-growth. Okay then, where do I go from here then? Please universe tell me.