Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I Don't Know When I'll See You

Here’s an example of my insecurities running rampant. I spend most of my time with this guy I’m seeing. It’s also become routine. I don’t mean that in a boring, predictable way but seeing each other is no longer something we plan; it’s something we do naturally. When he has to leave for work, he confirms if I’m staying at his place and asks me if I want him to pick something up. He’s comfortable with me at his place. He calls me everyday and we keep in touch.

Not much has suggested that we’ll part ways any time soon, and yet the simple sentence “I don’t know when I’ll see you,” has filled me with insecurities. He wanted to give me some food, but I wanted to go to the library and didn’t feel like lugging it around. So he offered to hold onto it for me.

I texted him when the library was closed simply to share. I wasn’t trying to hunt for a ride or anything especially since he was probably long gone from my area, but he immediately calls me back to let me know he’ll come and pick me up. That way I can take the food with me. He says, “I don’t know when I’ll see you.” Is it that much of a mystery? We see each other so often that I would’ve assumed I’d get the food not long after.

Usually I’ll make it a point to address questionable statements like this, but after a considerable amount of time, I FINALLY learned that it doesn’t go over very well. No one likes being presented with that. If I’m looking too into it, the recipient takes offense. If there’s truth to it and I recognize it immediately, the recipient becomes unnerved which makes perfect sense. When you’re trying to eliminate someone out of your life, it’s probably because you want to create some sort of distance. An extensive conversation is unwelcomed. And more than likely, it won’t appease me.

I did notice that statement right away, but I didn’t investigate it. I wonder if it’s because deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to know the answer, that I’m not ready to hear the truth. Could it be that I’m finally learning to not indulge in my insecurities? As much as I wish that were true, it seems unrealistic. Whatever the truth may be, only time will tell. No amount of obsessing over a mere seven words will reveal the truth only time can present.

I can be incredibly single-minded. It’s the end of the year. Instead of partying, he works and makes loads of money. He usually calls me after he gets off work, but I’ve practically been living at his place now. And a few times we fell asleep on his incredibly tiny couch, both of us. The next evening he said that he wants to go to sleep but if I want to watch TV that he’ll chill with me. We’ve only spent a couple hours resting on the bed. I imagine work was more brutal than normal, too.

Those reasons make it more than understandable why he may not have called. On the opposite end of the argument, it’s never kept him from calling before. Then again, these reasons don’t have to exist for him to not call. Things happen. It’s a waste of time and energy for me to get this worked up. I tried to ignore my concerns, but it just made it worse. I tend to tell people to address their insecurities, in order to eliminate them. That’s what I’m trying to do here. I want to put it into perspective.

It could’ve been a pre-meditative statement or it could’ve simply meant he genuinely doesn’t know when he’ll be able to see me. He doesn’t want it to take up room at his place. The truth is if it was pre-meditative, then it’s over. The last thing I should be doing is giving attention to something that’s been terminated. If I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that’s even worse because there’s no validity behind my obsession.

Instead of feeling better, I’m actually getting that nervous feeling. That weird, unpleasant sensation below my skin. Last time I felt that way I thought a guy wasn’t interested in being a relationship with me, which was untrue. Obviously that situation is different, but I want to remind myself that things aren’t always what I think they are. Thinking of it gave me a sense of relief.

The message I want to leave myself with is that I can’t change my train of thought over night. It takes time, but I want to change them. So when these negative thought patterns develop, I shouldn’t ignore them because then they’ll never leave. But addressing them shouldn’t become a tactic to engage! It should be to rid myself of them. And sometimes that means accepting that I won’t know no matter how desperate I am to uncover the truth, and no amount of obsessing will change this reality. Also, obsessing won’t bring me closer to the truth. I really should be more productive with my thoughts, time, and efforts.

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