Good morning! I've had a series of unspoken epiphanies as revealed in my title. I came to a realization about someone after a reaction so telling and undeniable that I can no longer turn the other cheek. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. If anything, this now gives me the peace of mind I need to eliminate someone out of my life who's unhealthy. I've been so good about attracting positive and healthy people, I suppose this curve ball masquerading as something else is inevitable. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is and I can no longer pretend otherwise.
Sometimes I know something from the beginning but I have to let things fall apart before I can walk away cuz I don't want to feel torn. People may not deserve my care and concern, but I don't do it for them. I have those feelings cuz I'm human, it's who I am, and that's how I feel. Call me selfish over it if that's how you feel, but I'm tired of feeling guilty for who I am cuz there's nothing wrong with it especially when I'm being honest and I'm NOT artificially selfless and considerate. It is what it is.
I'm at a halfway point at work. I don't have the energy or desire to elaborate right now, but not everything is what it appears to be. I guess I was yet again naive for believing otherwise cuz deception lurks everywhere cuz it's a trait innate in humans. But it's not all bad. I may still choose to stay. My position here will be determined by those making the decision, but I'm receptive to what happens which is slightly startling.
With my current salary, I thought I'd be able to move into a better apartment which I do believe I deserve. After all I'm stagnant from being in the same place too long where I'm opting out of proposing a lease extension cuz my landlord is known to make sexual advances. Just cuz I CAN sue someone doesn't mean I want to. I don't want to put that kind of effort or introduce that kind of energy into my life. The whole I'm lucky to not have roaches cuz of my apartment placement is getting old.
It would be nice to have my own place with a kitchen cuz I deserve it. But recently as the idea of having a kitchen seemed more plausible, a voice in my head reminded me that I don't NEED one as if to tell me by thinking I deserve one, I'm crippling my mentality that I NEED one and I really don't. I cook more without a kitchen than others who have a full kitchen. I can't say if it doesn't work out that I won't be disappointed, but that's a good thing cuz it means I've had something good going on in my life.
Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people who can afford to have a one bedroom on my own with a car and pay for the insurance the way most people who live here do. But that would be a mundane life, and the more I learn about myself, the more I realize, I'm not meant for that kind of life. Still, the stability must be nice... I feel like the universe dictates what's best for me and makes decisions without my consent or input, and that sucks cuz it's my life that's being tossed around. I wish when things appear stable and possible that it'll stay down that road, rather than a road block, unexpected detours, and what not, but no amount of wishing will change my life. The best I can do is make the best of things.
I've recently discovered that even if I'm offered this job long term, it wouldn't be through the employment agency. So I'll be looking at a salary reduction. I don't want a job that'll sustain my current situation cuz I want to flow, remove the stagnation, either move forward or experience something new. Not guarantee or solidify my current placement. But I'm not sure how to proceed otherwise.
I learned that I can work on a cruise with my living expenses covered as far as rent and food goes. It'll give me an opportunity to travel. I would've never been open to something like this before when I was attached to my "things." Now I'm different. The past few years of my life has "trained" and changed me to become the very type of person who can just go and leave. If not now, when? I'm starting to feel like I have less reasons to be here. And the world is so huge! It's a safe way to travel, too. Much better than doing it solo. Maybe if I were a big guy. Not me, though. That wouldn't be smart.
Maybe I'm not engrossed in an inspired and passionate state of mind cuz that distracts me from being receptive and open. Maybe the fact that I'm not hooked to something is a good thing...