Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Don't Do Things for the End Result or Projected Goal(s)

Note to self: Don't do things for the end result or the project goal(s). That advice is by no means meant to be generalized. It's a personalized advice that suits me at this moment in time because of where I am in my life and who I am right now. We're all so different and unique. We have different strengths and weaknesses that create imbalances. How we go about restoring and maintaining balance is as unique as we are. For me I have to focus on allowing experiences to form organically, to see where it leads me, to allow the universe to guide me, to trust what's out there even when I can't calculate the risks according to my comfort zone, and just explore with no judgments, hesitations, or self-barriers.

That's difficult but not impossible and a necessity for me if I'm ever to experience life in the exhilarating way I believe it should be. I used to lead a painful, dramatic, and chaotic life beyond my control. So when I was able to make my own choices, I became rigid, precise, and congruency became my companion. I wanted things to be neat, orderly, and organized. Although I didn't feel successful or accomplished, I felt relief that I didn't share the destitute fate most foster youths meet. Someone from my high school who had a similar situation as me is now rotting in jail for a couple decades cuz of her involvement in manslaughter.

This is a classic example of why comparison is dangerous and pointless. Just cuz I'm not where she is in her life doesn't mean I've made by any means or measure. Extremes on either end is am imbalance, and that's dangerous, too. My perception was so distorted that I didn't know I was on the deep end. I was emotionally-detached, but it felt normal for me. It's not like I could compare it to an emotional state of mind or experience I never had to know what's a healthy amount of emotion for a person to feel.

As I became more emotional, I reacted negatively cuz of my experiences. Rather than being open, I was hesitant and overwhelmed. As I try to find my balance the best I could, I mistakenly believed I should allow myself to be emotional and incorporate that organization back into my life. I was still trying to organize everything. I just now included emotions. Life doesn't work that way. Now I know...

But before I figured this out, I still created paths to follow with the intent to reach a certain goal which means I made decisions before I experienced anything. So if I told myself that I'd enter this educational path to obtain this result, that's what I set myself out to do. I allowed myself to feel but ignored them when I considered them to be inconvenient. Like when I realized school wasn't for me, I pushed those thoughts as deep down into my mind as it allowed me bury them.

Now I pay attention to these feelings and re-assess my decision as they come along. It may be a nuisance at times, but at least I'm being honest and real with myself. I'm honest, direct, and genuine with others most of the time. I should give myself the same courtesy. What this experience has made me realize is I shouldn't attach myself to a goal cuz then that's what I end up focusing on. I'm now allowing myself to gravitate towards what interests me. If it captures my attention enough, I explore. It's a learning experience and exactly the way it should be.

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