Monday, March 19, 2012

I Live Life With no Purpose

The original title for this entry was going to be something like "Why I'm Not That Daughter." But that title carries an essence of resentment I don't want to give power to, and although it's my life, there'd be more attention on my dad which I find inappropriate. This isn't about the adolescent rebellion in me trying to indulge cuz I'm embracing what I grew up to believe is unwise. I don't want to be one-sided and perhaps this is unwise. The truth of the matter is this, whatever THIS is is what it is. No amount of defending it and putting energy into trying to make it acceptable for someone who'll never support it is only exhausting me. I'll be much happier and connect with my inner sense if I focus on listening to my inner voice rather than the voices of others who are so contrastingly different from me that they'd never understand.

I had my astrological chart done for my birthday this year, and one thing it revealed was "I live life with no purpose." But it didn't mean that I live my life aimlessly and without fulfillment. In fact, there was a lot of detail on how I'd help others but how I earned my right to earn money in this lifetime cuz I did a lot of charity work in my previous life. That gave me a sense of comfort cuz I've explored the idea of a nonprofit, but the more I learn about myself, the more I realize how beneficial it'd be to society. There's not much focus on my desire. I just have abilities. I don't want to feel guilty for not helping people when I can, but I want to make money cuz I'd like to do things that require money such as traveling. By accepting that truth, I've come across the idea of becoming a Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach which will hopefully be a lucrative opportunity and I know I'll help people, too! :)

I want to live a life where I fulfill a purpose, but I want to be open and receptive to what that purpose is as things in this universe fluctuates which means set goals can limit me. My father's very conventional and traditional. He spams me regularly with emails about the dangers of not saving for my future and the downfall of the economy. He wants me to obtain a secure job in the corporate world where I'll have a 401k and full health benefits even if it means wasting away at a supermarket where I'm union. That's definitely not for me.

The freelance life I have can be frightening for some people, and not too long ago, just the mere idea of it would've driven me into an episode of panic attacks. Of course there are risks and drawbacks. There's not much room for fallbacks. if I get hospitalized, I'm screwed. If my source of income dries up, I don't have savings to bounce back on. These realities are far from appealing, but I realized that I'd much rather live a life that I look forward to actually living, rather than feeling like I'm wasting away by being "smart" because in that state, if I got sick, I probably wouldn't care. I want to live the kind of life where if my health is jeopardized, I'd be sad about it. Not indifferent cuz life isn't so great to begin with.

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