Monday, March 5, 2012

My Revised Ideology

I know I went from promising to write daily to doing a disappearing act. I have expressed some hesitation about writing daily cuz I worried that I wouldn't deliver meaningful entries. But there I go again feeding into the power of my insecurities. I'm one of those people who undermine my ability and potential, so the idea of not writing daily cuz I fear I won't write well isn't a very good defense. I'll never know until I tire. And what if I write everyday and not all of it is profound? Should I only limit my efforts to guaranteed success? How I'd be denying myself if I did that. Besides there's no way to know what kind of results I produce until I actually do it.

However I don't want to ignore these thoughts or else I'll just yo-yo between my actions, and I don't want that, either. No one said if I wrote daily that I can't write profound things, too. A few days out of the week when I'm inspired, I can write elsewhere or even here. I 'm perceiving this practice as though it's only one or the other, and it doesn't have to be.

This weekend rather than going out while the sun was shining, I stayed home. I slept most of Saturday, catching up on the rest I clearly needed. I'm sure if I had woken up, I would've been more productive. But the fact that I fell asleep so quickly showed how desperate my body was for rest. I felt more rejuvenated on Sunday. I spent that day art journaling. I enjoyed it, but it's amazing how exhausting filling a page with less than 20 pictures was for me. Maybe it's cuz I don't use my brain creatively enough.

I've been unmotivated to read lately or even write. So for now I'm going to let my mind wander cuz forcing myself to do something I'm unreceptive to will get me nowhere except an overwhelming feeling of guilt and inadequacy. Eventually my desire to write and read will return. Even without a strong desire to write, I'm doing it now with ease. See, things are already looking up. :)

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