Monday, December 14, 2009

The Records Girl, Day 116

So I came to a realization during my previous entry. I record and record and record everything! And then I sit there for hours observing as though I'm looking for something. I'm not satisfied, so I try to be more meticulous and detail-oriented. I've been doing this my entire life without fail and I've never succeeded. I've never found what I was looking for. What am I looking for? A record, evidence of happy moments because I always pass them up!

When it happens, I don't understand it. I tend to focus only on what I do know and understand, what I'm familiar with. But I know that what I perceive is one-dimensional and limited at best, so I keep a record to find what I'm missing except I only record what I understand, not happiness! That isn't to say that I don't experience it; I'm just not aware when I do experience it! Wow, what a breakthrough! I mean I know this is incredibly stupid, but this is just amazing to me!

I think it's time I start recording.

1) I was surprised when he wanted to dress up to see the opera even though dressing up for the opera is common because it's a community college performance, but I think my heart giggled a little. I was excited by the idea that this guy wants to put that kind of effort. My roommate picked out my outfit, and I was so excited. I looked gorgeous! And I loved his reaction.

2) As we were walking to the performance, we were flirting and had a really good talk. I can't explain it, but when I think back to that moment, I remember how it felt. I was walking and not in the most coordinated way. I was cold. We were lost and creating out there stories.

3) Sometimes he'd stare at me and start laughing. One day I freaked out and asked him why he was laughing. He said, "Nothing! I laugh when I'm happy." That warmed me a little.

4) My heart got a little excited a couple times he put the effort to sit closer to me.

5) As he was moving my stuff around in storage, we would take breaks and he would give me a hug. I was so nervous that my feelings had negative associations that manifested, but I looked forward to it every time.

6) If hearts can smile, mine did during moments we were together.

7) He called me Pickles

8) He'd pucker his lips

9) He'd stick his tongue out

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