Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Bonding (Discomfort)

As some of my furniture was being removed from storage and a lot of space became vacant, my friend suggested that I downgrade to a smaller unit and even offered to help me transfer my furniture the very next day! I didn't know it until that day, but I started to have feelings for him. Another friend of mine bought me this purple cat with a marble on it. It's one of my favorite possessions. The marble fell off, and I was devastated. He wrapped his arms around me to comfort me, and I felt this paradoxical sense of pleasure and something I can only describe as an oppositional feeling.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone's about to attack you or you get seriously terrified and in an instant your body goes into alert mode? Goosebumps jump out of your arms. Imagine a much weaker version of that combined with a mild feeling of the blues, just slight depression. That's how I feel when I'm attracted to someone. How twisted is that?

Somewhere along the line I became so repulsed by the idea of feeling that I started to develop a negative association to it. I perceived feelings to be volatile, dangerous, an uncontrollable liability, a substance that absolves me of my powers. I couldn't have none of that. So I found a way to avoid being in a vulnerable situation. If I reacted to feelings as something dangerous, I would stay away from it.

So many times I unknowingly rejected guys and eliminated people from my life because they ran the risk of breaking the shell that protected my heart. My ex was the only who came at me with a sledgehammer and tore it down. I didn't even know it was there. Instead of trusting him to be there and rebuild it, I ran away only to realize that that was a weak decision. I realized that I don't want to run away anymore, so I've become more emotionally-receptive. But I was horrified by what I discovered.

Can you imagine feeling so awful around the very person you like? It would make any girl run the other direction, but this time I knew it was different. I was aware of it. Every time he gave me a hug, I felt awful. But as time passed and I saw that I wasn't in any threat, the "bad" feelings subsided.

What's even more incredible than this breakthrough and awareness is this deep conversation I had with his roommate and friend that I've known for a while. We've known each other for a long time, but we never really truly connected. Our relationship has always been so one-dimensional. It's as if we both had to be broken down a bit by life's challenges to be able to relate to one another. It's through that conversation that I was able to accept that I'm falling for this other guy. Sometimes things do happen for a reason.

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