Wednesday, December 2, 2009

This is Happiness to You, Day 113?

I've been behind on my blogs, but I distinctly remember at one point wanting a blog titled "This is Happiness to You" because the contents would embody what that statement symbolizes for me. I went out with a guy, the only guy at the time I opened up to. I never felt so vulnerable and exposed before. It was terrifying and exhilarating. In a twisted way you can say that it's the first time I've ever experienced feeling anything real, meaningful, and deep. My feelings are usually shallow and restricted to the safe zone. I don't really dive in too deep or at least I never used to.

That's how I lost this guy. I was so afraid of letting go, and he was trying to get me to do that. So I severed ties with him any way I could. When I lost him, I realized what I could've been missing out on. I've never been in love. I thought it was because I never found the right guy, and I'm sure that's part of it. But it wouldn't have mattered. I wasn't receptive to it anyways. Maybe that's why I never met the right guy in the first place or maybe I did and I was too oblivious to know it.

All I know is that I got a second chance with him, but before that I had this gnawing knowing that he came into my life to shatter my heart to let a little light in as a way to "prepare" me for the next guy, so I'd do the next guy right. When you live in the dark your entire life, you don't know how much brighter it is out there because life is all about perception. I knew that he came into my life to do that to prepare me for the next guy. I was devastated that that was his role in my life because what an amazing guy he is, that he has to come into my life and bleed a little because I'm corrupt.

Then I met a guy. I thought he might be the guy I was "prepped" for. God I hate that word. It seemed logical (the idea of it) and maybe he was once upon a time, but something changed. I'm not sure what. No, I do. I didn't even think about it until now, but it time lines.

That's the thing, though. If you search hard enough for anything, in my world anyways, you'll find it. The guy who I thought it was entered my life right after the last guy left and that's when I didn't want to burn bridges because I might get hurt. I knew him before that, but we didn't start talking until I changed. It's like the universe or we weren't receptive to each other until I worked through some things. A couple facebook blips that honestly shouldn't have happened exposed my feelings. I thought, "Wow! The universe really aided in that one!" I guess I needed its help because I'm not sure I would've admitted my feelings for him, and I'm fairly certain his floaty ass would've let it linger to the point that it would've passed.

It wasn't "destiny." It wasn't even that the universe made it happen because something was supposed to develop between us. Do I believe that the universe played a role in a more active way than normal? Always. But not for the reasons I once believed and not because of the outcome. I always knew deep down that we wouldn't be right for each other. It's just easy to believe that something was meant for something greater when all you have are premonitions of this guy. It was never reality, though.

I've been happy before in the context that I've had positive experiences that elevate my mood and makes me smile, but there's only been one moment my entire life where I've experienced an absence of negativity about myself AND I was in a happy mood. In a sad way you can say that was the moment I experienced happiness, and it was expressed to me.

He told me, "this is happiness to you." Do you know what I was doing? We were close and his arms were wrapped around me. He said, "this is happiness to you." I didn't realize at the time how much truth there is to that. That night was calm, quiet, peaceful, simple, familiar, comfortable, and absence of any complexities that normally burden me. That's what happiness is to me and sharing that experience with someone. A part of me wishes that that someone doesn't change so much (even though it's only happened twice) because it feels so unstable, but I have to get over it. That's like saying I don't want to be in a relationship because I've been in more than one.

I was lying in bed with him and he was holding me. Despite my greedy, materialistic nature, the truest moment for me was a simple one. It really stuck with me. That's what I want. I want that life where I'm happy because I'm snuggled by someone I really like and someone who likes me, a place that's just ours. I can only find happiness in a familiar setting because I couldn't relax in any other environment. There's comfort and peace in that. It's intimate and personal.

I seem to blog regularly when I'm depressed or during an absence of happiness. Is that why I haven't been blogging because I've been experiencing happiness? Not exactly but I am happy. I met an amazing guy, and as I type these words, I wonder why I don't express more about him and our recent experiences. I just had an epiphany. I'm unable to process happiness emotionally, so I don't understand it and therefore I don't write about it. I want to write about it because I want to become better acquainted with it. I know that sounds stupid, but I have to focus on this and myself first to make this relationship work.

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