Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Time of Reflection, Day 139

For a while now, I've left blogging to the end of the day after I've amounted heaps of experiences I can record and reflect on. But the error in that method is I may not have time or the desire to express myself so late into the night. I experience so much that I don't need new experiences to find something to write about. That's the beauty and sometimes curse of being a writer, there's always something you can find to write about. I just have to pick something.

I'm starting to realize that I have wisdom to offer. I hope it provides my friends and the people I care about some insight. What's dangerous is what I express can never be taken back. Even if it's asked of me, you can never know how it affects a person. Is it better to be in silence or be a freedom of expression? I know what works for me; hope it's a mutual interest.

I have a friend who I care deeply for mostly because of the premonitions I have of him than the actual friendship that exists, but it doesn't make me care any less for him. I feel I know more about him than I should. And because he's an open-minded and receptive person, I share that knowledge with him to help him. I understand what it's like to know what you have to do or should do and deliberately resist from doing that very act even if it's beneficial.

Even if you understand the value in the lesson, you have to be ready to embrace it or else going through the motions get you nowhere. From his point of view and having some experience with that myself, I empathize and understand why he's not making changes he isn't ready for even if it'll be good for him. As his friend, though, I want to see him move forward. We had a talk about this and since then a number of experiences caused by his own actions that he feels is a subconscious orchestration forcing a change in his lifestyle. He felt the need to share this with me, and I appreciate it.

It's helped me more than I realized at the time. I just felt this desire to express it. I had no idea where it would go or how it would benefit me. I'm at a place in my life right now where I don't exactly want to be, but I'm here because I have this urgency to do one last thing - help him. Maybe this is it.

And I believe that the energy you carry attracts similar energy. By helping him, I became receptive to helping other people in my life, too. I was IMing another friend of mine who said that I'd make a good shrink or a shrink in training. I'm glad I was able to help, and maybe it seems selfishly inappropriate to praise in myself. But I can't help be moved by these words. It's great knowing that I'm able to help the people I care about because I can be very self-centered.

There's a lot I don't understand. Emotional receptivity is something I'm new at, although I'm better at it than I first realized. When I don't understand something, I analyze which often times is the wrong approach. I draw on my own experiences, rather than sensing the people around me because it's not something I'm practiced in. So, as a consequence, I can be rather selfish and take self-centered approaches. I don't do it out of inconsideration. It's the only method I'm most familiar with.

This journey to help myself began as a way to help others. When I'm in pain, I lash out at the people who matter the most to me. I don't want that for them. Then I realized that the way to helping myself is to help others. That method surprised me because I've always lived more of a ME-ME-ME lifestyle. It's more reciprocation and altruism than one-sided selfishness or giveaway considerations.

My roommate cut herself last night and reacted badly to it. I calmed her down and it was refreshing to hear her express appreciation and gratitude about me being there because I just got kicked out of my boyfriend's apartment. The representative of the property manager isn't a fan of me because I refuse to pay more than what I agreed upon when the utility bill exceeded what my flat rent covers. I don't want to financially-inconvenience anyone, but I live in a living room and have four roommates. I can't afford to pay more than what's agreed upon. Hell, I could barely pay that.

He's upset because he had to pay out of pocket for what wasn't covered in my rent. It's not my fault that he charges less than what he can afford. I can't do anything about it. It's not that I'm being difficult, not that refusing makes me out of line or anything. Anyways, he isn't a fan of me. We briefly went through a civilized period out of respect for my boyfriend, but apparently that didn't last when he demanded that I leave and threw a glass cup at my direction. He first started shoving me around. When he became more aggressive, my boyfriend stood in front of me as a way to block him. I left as the tension and aggression escalated.

I wasn't doing anyone any good being there. He was being out of line and irrational. It's understandable that everyone asked me to leave, but it still hurts. Getting kicked out even if you don't always enjoy being somewhere leaves you with a sense of abandonment and it's painful. So it was nice to come home and be appreciated for my presence, for my contributions, for being me.

I know my boyfriend cares about me, but he has to put up with a lot associated with me. Even if it isn't my fault exactly, he's exposed to it and that's exhausting and burdensome. If I wasn't there, he wouldn't be quarreling with his roommate the way he is. I realized through my incessant self-reflection that anything that involves my boyfriend, I tend to take a bleak, negative approach. Why is that?

My friends put up with a lot of crap, too. They're also receptive, so is my boyfriend. When I burden my friends, I don't question the stability or foundation of our friendship. I do that with him, though. And I know I don't think that lowly of him. I'm just scared of losing him because of the drama attached to me.

I've passed up relationships before because I knew the drama in my life would be toxic and unwanted. I don't want that for them. But now I'm with someone and my drama is toxic for him. It makes me feel like I care less about him because I'm willing to put him through that, but it's not like that. I know that. I just can't silence these thoughts sometimes. And being kicked out of his place because things became so bad really emphasizes that.

He even mentioned to me once that I have to be nice to him because he doesn't want to get kicked out. It's a fair concern, but I don't do anything that should be upsetting. He just hates me. It's a lose-lose situation. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like my boyfriend's blaming me and my behavior for why his roommate hates him and that his living situation is compromised as a result of it.

I can help so many people around me. Why can't I help myself? Why am I plagued with these perpetuating guilt trips that I'm not responsible for? Why am I tormented by these thoughts that I know my boyfriend isn't having? Why am I so detrimental in relationships?

I just want to be happy and be with him. Is that honestly too much to expect? I finally met a guy who's willing to tolerate the baggage of my drama that comes with being with me. I found someone I don't want to run away from, most of the time anyways. I want this to work. During our brief "break up" which was more of a break, a much needed time to think things through, it felt wrong for everyone that we were apart. When my boyfriend and I worked things through, a friend of mine was really happy for me because he came up to me and said, "I see happy on your face." That's what I want.

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