Thursday, December 24, 2009

An Unusual Thursday, Day 140

My life may not be going so great. I'm not where I want to be. I live somewhere I hate. I'm behind in school. I feel like I'll be at community college until I graduate. I'm ashamed of the choices I've made. I'm in a financially detrimental state. I feel so socially awkward and emotionally inept in ways I never knew possible.

The Holiday is usually a time of celebration and selfless acts. I think it's great to have a national Holiday that dedicates time in our lives to show kindness because unfortunately it's more of a rarity than most of us would like to admit. However, I feel like my time belongs to others. I'm not rich enough to exert much power. I'm not powerful enough to have much authority. I always have someone to answer to, someone to accommodate. Things beyond my control come up. Unexpected matters arise and require my immediate attention. But during the Holidays people offer leniency that I'm not usually offered.

So for me Holiday is me time. I'm not that close with my family. I get to enjoy time off from work and school. A lot of my friends and a huge chunk of my drama is distributed elsewhere. I get to focus on me because my time isn't otherwise tied down somewhere else. It may sound selfish, but it's true. I do what I want to do during the Holidays. It just coincidentally meets what my friends want to do, a huge Holiday celebration, a heaping feast of food, and presents piling all over the place.

This year, though, I can't do any of that stuff. It's not that I'm depressed because it's the Holidays. I'm depressed and it just happens to be the Holidays. I've been depressed for some time now. It's just more apparent to others now because I'm not the giddy me that I usually am. There are some things that I always look forward to because of past experiences, expectations, and a consistency I've become comfortable with.

The Thursday Farmer's Market is one of them. I don't always enjoy it. Sometimes it's boring. Lately it's been cold. I've turned my friend into a toxic filter. I'm dumping my drama on him. I feel bad, and it's become an unhealthy habit. But for better or worse, Thursdays offer a consistency I've grown to appreciate and look forward. Now I'm home, alone, with spiked egg nog in a Holiday empty-spirited room.

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