Saturday, November 7, 2009

A Day of Feeling, Day 97

Yesterday has really been a defining moment in my life. It's incredible what can change in a single day. I had a moment of realization about where I want to be. I found my direction again. I realized that getting lost has made me appreciate knowing what my path is and the value in discovering that. I don't know what I want out of life. But I have an idea, and that'll eventually lead me to the answer I seek.

I want to work on my spirituality. I want to reach an emotional stability I've never had before. That's strengthened my desire to paint, which was also recommended to me by a spiritualist. Painting or drawing, but there's something about painting that I'm attracted to. Yesterday I discovered why. I have a friend who's offered to teach me some simple tips. But instead of waiting for his advice, I took advantage of my long lost desire for anything and channeled it. I went to Michaels and bought a set of paint brushes, acrylic paint, and an acrylic-friendly sketchpad.

I was afraid of the idea of painting because I'm not artistic or creative, and I thought it would be a waste of money. A friend of mine told me that he thinks every Pisces should paint. But it's how he said it that affected me. It's a good way to process and deal with emotions. For me my first experience just emphasized the difficulties I face day to day that cripple me. I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I would be. Dare I say it has potential? I'm no longer feeling like the girl that got yelled at because my group lost in bingo because my apple didn't look like an apple.

I wanted to paint because it can be abstract and undefined. It's not trapped within the confines of an image that should be replicated like drawing. I'm always so contained and precise. Painting is a place where I can experiment safely. I can afford to make errors because there's no such thing as right and wrong. It's a place where my mind can rest because I don't have to think about what I'm doing. Even if I never become good at it, I need to practice just separating from my mind. Painting can offer me that.

And after yesterday's experience, I realize how much I need that. I have four distinctly separate images. I've always been good at attention to detail, but seeing the big picture has always been a challenge of mine. I'm still restrained in my process. I have to look deeper within to stretch out beyond what traps me. I can only do that by letting go of my thoughts, and it's that process that'll allow me to really look within and meet the core of who I am. Painting's a lot more powerful than I ever thought it could be.

It's left me open. I woke up to cramps, stiffness, and pain from my period. I rarely get menstrual cramps. I woke up feeling like a girl. I thought that's what my blog was going to be limited to - what it's like to be a girl and almost reminded of it. My cramps are so bad that I'm wearing a pad, something I haven't done since middle school! Sorry for over-sharing but it's a re-learning experience. I forgot how you're supposed to walk differently. It's crazy the things we forget when time passes.

Painting and the awareness I discovered yesterday has left me open. I usually wake up to quench my thirst. I wake up to fulfill the goals I have for the day. I wake up to experience what the day has to offer. Feelings are a consequence of those experiences. But today was all about just feeling everything around me. Experiences developed as a consequence of those feelings, not the other way around.

Pain felt more intense but was more manageable because I immersed myself in my own feelings, so I was also able to alter them. I began writing an email I've been contemplating whether I should send or not. It left me crying because I was processing what I haven't made time to deal with. I was no longer concerning myself with whether it's appropriate or not. I just dealing with circumstance I'm in. No matter how right or wrong I feel something is, I feel how I feel. It made me confident in myself. I browsed at Borders, gravitating towards spiritual topics.

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