Thursday, November 5, 2009

Make Your Own Realm in this Reality, Day 95

I can't articulate how I feel because I don't think there's a word for it and I'm not sure I can define it. But it's a good feeling. Imagine how you would feel after spring cleaning minus the exhaustion without the giddiness. I feel liberated and calm but in a subtle way. I conveyed something that I've been holding off for some time now. It didn't happen the way I had hoped, but idealism really didn't exist anyways. It's good that it was expressed.

I've been feeling conflicted and guilty about it for some time now because I hated how I felt. I don't like the idea of change in general but specifically this one because of the Domino consequences. I also didn't want to face certain suspicions and doubts I've had for some time. But as time passed, I think I've been wanting to lead up to this point for a while. I guess I should just be happy that it's happening.

I expressed this to a friend of mine. What's interesting is that as time passes, I realize that he's not really who I thought he was or could've been. There's an imbalance there. I don't know what that means or what to make of it, but it's a thought that's been circulating in my mind for a while. So I suppose it's worth mentioning.

I feel a change coming. There's an air of undefined possibilities that doesn't frighten me. I feel surrounded by new energy. I want to pursue it. I know I can't take my past with me. I can only get there by making changes in the now. I have to put me first.

I keep thinking about what the spiritualist told me. I have to stand up for myself. I have to work on my anxiety. I have an active third eye, and I'm in danger of instability. There's always going to be financial burdens. Practicality and function is a priority in society and in my own life, but it hasn't served me well. I don't like it, and it isn't healthy. But I'm better off sustaining a financially devastated state if it brings me closer to my ultimate goal. I have to remove myself from places and people that I feel cause me harm, both physical and emotional ones.

The change I finally addressed was something I confined to one category but really it reaches beyond that. I have to grow spiritually. I need balance to manage my gift. I have to be around positive energy. I can't and won't always get that, but sitting around in something toxic won't help me, either.

I have to make my own realm in this reality. It's time I start painting. My friend believes that every pisces should paint. Painting is what appeals to me the most, so I want to pursue that rather than drawing. I should be tutored on funny. I have to find ways to find balance. Painting is my biggest appeal at the moment. I have a friend who has offered to teach me, the same friend who's going to teach me how to ride a bike. He has no idea how powerful and deeply rooted these concerns are for me. I don't think I'll ever reveal why to him, which is tragic. I wish I can share the depths with him if he's the one to help me get there. Who knows, maybe things will change. I'm not focused on that, though. Painting is my lust.

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