Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I'm Still Afraid of my Own Feelings, Day 93

I just read today that my friend who inspired me to create this blog has fibroid tumors. I have no idea what that means or what she's going through. She's strong, and that'll get her through this. But strength doesn't mean there's an absence of fear, doubt, or even weakness. Part of me is frightened for her and saddened for her.

Sometimes there's nothing more frightening than the unknown especially since it's so easy to become a victim to negativity. We're conditioned to question and be suspicious of happiness and good intentions, but we'll be dangerously open to self-sabotage and the possibility of betrayal. How twisted is that? When did we become such distrustful creatures? It's so important to break out of that habit. I'm grateful that we're becoming aware of this and making the concerted effort to change these habits of ours.

And she's really getting there. A concert led her to an epiphany I don't doubt has brought her closer to discovering her true self. The idea of having a life changing experience about your own identity crisis at a social event on the surface hints at the possibility of frivolousness, and she's aware of that. Maybe frivolousness is too strong of a word, but it's not the kind of place people expect to have such a spiritual understanding of what's plagued you for so long.

I have this idea that people go to concerts to escape the burdens of their lives, so the idea of coming to terms with something is profound. But I can relate to the concept. Since I've become receptive and not let my burdens weigh on me so heavily, I've made discoveries from unexpected sources. There are lessons to be learned everywhere and anywhere if you're open to it.

It's crazy how sickness and despair can give us the courage to rise above our challenges. I hate people who hate pain and wish it away on a regular basis. Everyone wants pain to disappear from the world at one point in their lives, but the kind of people who want that as a permanent absence is weak and a pathetic excuse. Some of them are my friends, and I love them. But I also hate them for it.

Pain is what shapes and mold us. Pain reveals our true selves. I wish we were stronger and are able to grow without it. Some people argue that we can if pain was absent. But there's happiness, too, and in pain as well. If that happiness isn't enough for people to grow, an absence of pain won't change that. It's unfortunate, but the evidence is undeniable.

The people who inspire me the most are the ones who have endured pain and lifted themselves up from the struggles in their lives. But sometimes it saddens me how much pain we deal with, self-inflicted or otherwise. Do we experience that much pain because we have to grow that much? I used to feel that the world hated me because I dealt with more crap than the average person. I'm not being dramatic; I'm being accurate in my assessment. Then it occurred to me, all this crap happens because I don't learn from it. I haven't grown from it. I hate the idea that people suffer so much because we can be slow learners.

As I keep re-routing on this endless tangent, my mind returns to my friend. Here I am livid about this ongoing dispute I have about rent, my financial burdens, the sadness I don't have time to feel, the blatant unfairness my professor is selectively practicing on me, the emotional ineptness I feel is trivial but important, the premonitions that I feel keep testing me by shattering the ground below me, and all these other legitimate reasons that should drive me to depression, but I'm too weak to surrender to my emotions to even be receptive to depression. Yeah, I'm too weak to be depressed. It sounds paradoxical, right? But I'm too afraid to be human, to face a human experience. I'm probably depressed now, but I just won't allow myself to feel it.

I'm afraid of emotions because it makes you lose control. You surrender your power to an unpredictable and uncontrollable source that has no sense of limitations, time, scheduling, convenience, sleep patterns, errands that have to be completed, etc. I'm terrified of feeling. I don't want to be afraid for my friend. I don't want to be sad. And I keep thinking as I resist the fear that I can't suppress the way I used to how incredibly selfish I am. My friend has a real medical problem that jeopardizes her health, her goals, her securities, and her emotional state. I'm distastefully focused on how I'm unable to do the very reason why I started this blog - to not be afraid to feel.

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