I did something I always feared doing because I thought it was a sign of weakness. I began giving up. You win some, you lose some. In the end, I realized that always winning is never a win. Think about all of the things you sacrifice and miss out on when your eyes are only focused on knocking things down. I never knew I was missing out on because I didn't see anything else. It's amazing what 20/20 vision can offer you.
I always planned, planned, planned as a security measure. Planning is good. Planning is safe. You ever heard that saying? "Failing to plan is planning to fail." I lived my life on that quote, but I never even heard of it until today. The problem with my planning was that it was plagued with an energy of self-doubt and perpetuating failure. I planned to avoid failure that I believed I'd be sucked into, so I did.
I was financially secure but emotionally devastated. Now I'm financially devastated but emotionally healthier. Life is filled with road blocks that it's easy to forget what we have and what we truly want. Other seeming prevalent and superficial matters distort what's truly important and we end up focusing on rent, financial security, a proper education, and other concepts that are weakly structured ideas. But that's all they are, ideas. They're important, but they get over emphasized and over prioritized, while more important issues become neglected and under valued like the desires in us that enrich the quality of our lives. We've become so used to being boggled down by modern civilization that we tend to forget what we want or realize that we're depriving our souls until it's too late. I think that's what's been happening to me, and why I've procrastinated for as long as I have.
"Never lose sight." One of the many wise words spoken today. For a really long time now, I've stopped focusing on what I want and what my desires are. I've led a very one-dimensional life. It used to be all about becoming a writer, marking my signature in life. I wanted there to be evidence that I existed because I never felt like I did. I believed that having my name in print would change that. It wouldn't have.
The only thing that could ever change that is to stop existing and start living. It was my emotional detachment that made me feel isolated in this world. Being so social, I had no idea that I felt dead inside. I thought that was a feeling for the anti-social depressants who wore dark clothes, had no friends and no livelihood, not someone who's ambitious and passionate to fulfill her one desire in life.
As I became more aware of this, my emotions starting rushing in, rushing out, and rushing all around me. I never knew the depth of my heart or my ability to feel anything. I became a hostage of my own emotions and somewhere along the line, I lost myself in the midst of other people's pains, their successes, their passion, and their desires. For the first time I saw someone other than myself. When I saw other people's pains, it wasn't a projection of my own. It was theirs. I couldn't handle it, so I threw myself into it to try and neutralize it because I couldn't handle it. You do that enough times, and you stop realizing when you're drowning because you get used to it.
Today someone just threw me a lifesaver. I think I've been trying to save myself for a while, too, but I was too busy paying attention to everyone and everything else that I wasn't listening to myself. Talk about going to the other opposite extreme! I think that's why I began procrastinating. My procrastination made my interest to help others die down. My procrastination made me lose interest in the common activities that I delved into as a way to avoid my own feelings. As if that wasn't enough, my phone is dead. My two primary email accounts are having problems. The very tools of modern society that blind us to see within ourselves started collapsing around me. So all I was left with was my own feelings.
The problem with being so emotional is that you end up living in a world that's gray. The distinct, clear cut black and white borders bleed away. You're no longer left with user-friendly guidelines. You're left trusting your own instincts. It's frightening in my experience because it's all new to me. It's easy to lose yourself because if you're not careful, this isn't just an emotional world, it's a confusing one. When you lose yourself, you lose your voice. You can lose your identity. The dominant presence, the dominant voice, the dominant identity begins to take over. You hear that voice and feel that energy enough, you start to believe that it could be your own.
I never thought that would happen to me. I was always so firm, adamant, and vocal, but that's because I was emotionally-detached. That's not a sign of strength. It's an absence of normal emotional burdens. There's a difference. Other peoples' visions and goals are admirable and worth achieving. So when I began losing my identity and was only able to see the vision of others, that became my focus.
As I got further into someone else's dream, not my own, something felt off. But I couldn't quite place it. I was afraid to explore it. I wanted so desperate to belong, and I felt like I could there that I didn't want to explore the gnawing feeling inside of me that would've told me that I don't belong there. I could be there, but it wouldn't be me. I wasn't ready to face that. I'm still not, but at least I know the truth.
The company I work for is incredible and carries a vision that's more than worth manifesting. It's so much bigger than me or any single entity because it encompasses all of us and transcends beyond that. How can anyone resist not wanting to be a part of something so pivotal when you're told that your presence is an asset? It's tempting and exhilarating. But it's not me.
As I was listening to my boss' vision and the passion in his voice, I felt empty. I don't want to be at a place where I feel empty. I felt everyone's energy grow as mine shrunk. I spent my entire life reaching for something always greater than me that I kept ignoring myself. I need to be at a place where I can focus on just me. I can't do that with such huge responsibilities.
I kept looking at this the wrong way. I kept seeing things from the perspective of those who want to be a part of this evolution, who deserve to be a part of it, who have to be a part of it to make it happen. From their eyes, it'd be foolish to leave such an opportunity behind. But I'm not them. I can pretend and I can even create a life out of it. It doesn't mean I should, though. I may never get this opportunity again, but that's not a good enough of a reason to stay, for an opportunity outside of myself. As one door of opportunity closes, another one opens. While I'm too busy focusing on this door, how many opportunities that are better suited for my life goal am I leaving behind?
This opportunity I have now requires sacrifices. Many great things in life worth accomplishing that change the world require sacrifice. I realized that as I was surrounded by people fully committed to this vision that even if the sacrifices were great and even if they're ones I can achieve effortlessly, my heart wouldn't be in it. I have to find something I want to put my heart and soul into. This isn't it.
I can waste my time feeling guilty that I'm too selfish to not want to be a part of something so pivotal or be productive and find my own bliss. I'm not here to make others happy. I'm here to fulfill my own desires and my own happiness. I totally forgot about that, but I became aware of it today when I was asked what I wanted out of life or what I wish to achieve five years from now.
I realized that I had no idea. I can count all the many ways I can contribute to further my company's mission, but I can't do that for myself. I shouldn't be committing to something else before I find my own. So the question is what do I want out of life? I want to focus on spirituality. I want to achieve emotional balance that I've never had before. I want to no longer operate like a broken toy. I want to be emotionally-functional and healthy so that I'm receptive to being in love, to love, to live, and to feel. It seems like such an odd ambition, but think about what it would be like to not have that. Do you have any idea how painful and empty that is? I do. So yeah I think addressing those concerns are a greater priority for me than making an evolutionary change towards sustainability of energy. By pursuing the path I'm on now, I'll nourish something but not myself.
I need to work on my "Vision Board." It's a board that displays what a person wants out of life. Mine will include spirituality, focus, knowledge, writing, friendship, and love. It's amazing how things can be put into perspective when you look within yourself. When you're guided by others, you see with their projections, their visions, their dreams, their goals, and sometimes outside of your own. Only you can see for yourself where you want to go.
A spiritualist told me that I have to trust myself more. That's what I'm doing. I can't focus on, "I shouldn't waste this opportunity. This is a chance of a lifetime. Nothing so huge and evolutionary will ever enter your life." There are opportunities everywhere. It's up to us decide which opportunity we pursue. Maybe this is a chance of a lifetime, but it's not my chance. It doesn't matter how significant something is if it doesn't speak to you the way it should. I was told that we all need to "Refine and Clarify." That's what today's blog is.