Monday, April 26, 2010

Limited Premonitions, Days 113, 114, 115, and 116

So this weekend I was going to hang with a friend from high school who was going to be visiting me. I was really looking forward to it because it's been a really long time since I've seen him, and I liked the idea of visiting a positive part of my past. So much has changed, but the core of who I am is intact. It makes me recognizable and familiar to long-time friends. I miss having that unspoken understanding.

I'm grateful for the progress that I've made. I'm glad that I'm no longer emotionally-dead, and I value my friends; I really do. But it's different with my local friends. You guys know this new version of me, and I barely even know who that is. I'm still exploring my identity. Maybe I didn't really know myself in the past, but I felt like I did. It's easier connecting to people when you feel like you have a sense of identity, even if I was an emotionally-detached person who's ability to bond with people was limited. Now I have that ability, but I'm not sure how to connect with others when I can't even connect with myself. That difficulty doesn't exist with old friends. It's just natural.

We have so much to catch each other up on. We were planning to go have sushi at this awesome place the next county over, so we would've had loads of time to chat. I had this whole food porn fantasy playing in the back of my mind. I even sent food porn pictures to a friend of mine. My over thinking already makes me more attached to things than I already should be, but the weak premonition replaced by this undefined sense of feeling that felt like a premonition I suppressed made things even more complicated.

When Friday rolled around I began thinking, even worrying, that it wasn't going to happen. But that's what I do. It's a defense mechanism, so I don't get disappointed when things don't happen. At first it was just auto-pilot. Even I knew that, but as the day progressed, the feelings of doubt developed and deepened into my subconscious in a way that my standardized doubt doesn't set. The defense mechanism eventually just dissolves as the time nears.

So that's when I began to become compulsive, constantly asking if my friend called for no apparent reason. I began to wonder why he hadn't called or why I wasn't more excited, as though I knew there was something to stress about. My friends joked around saying that he didn't care about you, as though implying that I got flaked on. That bothered me more than it should've, and I knew that wasn't the case and not just because I know he's not like that.

But it's the internal conflict that was significant for me. I would've been disappointed if he just changed his mind, but I would've moved on from it. I would've just thought, "Fuck him then," and just go on about my business. It's like I was adamant that there was something else there and I was trying to reach into it to uncover any clues, but I was unable to. That really frustrated me.

Since this is my friend I worried that maybe something had happened to me. But I kept reassuring myself that if something happened, I would've sensed it by now. I wasn't exactly repetitive in this thought process, but I returned to that thought frequently enough that it could be interpreted as though I was trying to convince myself. Mostly I was just channeling my energy into figuring this out but at a distance. I couldn't have predicted what had actually happened.

He got into an alarming car accident, and I had no idea. Well, that's not entirely true. I was even sharing this with a friend of mine that it was more than just a reflex defense mechanism and that it felt like a premonition I was suppressing similar to one I suppressed of him because it involved a theme I didn't want to gain insight on. It made me realize that my premonitions are limited in what I see.

I never get premonitions about car accidents. A friend of mine got run over by his teacher no less, and he took it as a sign that he has to slow down. I had no idea. A mutual friend was surprised that I didn't sense anything. My friend that I was sharing my concerns with about my high school friend sent me an amazing email that made me feel better while he was standing in line for court over a car accident. And this is someone I have premonitions a lot about, but I got nothing.

No comments:

Post a Comment