Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I Dream of Dirt, Day 117

Last night I dreamt that there was dirt in a container that I was stirring. I had recently watered it and the topsoil was still moist, but below the layer, a couple inches deep, I discovered that the dirt was still very dry. That's probably one of my more vague dreams, but I remembered it and decided to record it. I went to dreammoods.com/dictionary or something like that and there were several interpretations, but this is what I feel relates to me.


To see freshly stirred dirt in your dream, symbolizes thriftiness and frugalness. Dirt is also representative of situations where you have been less than honorable and may have acted in a devious manner.

My dreams are symbolizing thriftiness and frugality. I didn't need a dream to give me that sort of insight.

I actually had another dream that was complexly elaborate and I want to write about that but not today. I have a busy week. I'm helping my friend plan a bridal shower. We're going to go to Chinatown today to buy some supplies. I have so many errands to run this week, and I'm hoping that I could move my stuff out of storage into my friend's new apartment before the end of the month. So I don't have to pay $60!!! But they have to move out by then, so I don't want to inconvenience them.

What a burden I must be at times. And I know the best of them and closest to me have thought that before, but the ones who stay by my side are the ones that are closest to my heart in a way they'll never know. It's not because of what they do for me; that's not how I measure my friendship and value, but there's something more special about them, their willingness and openness. They stay by my side and don't think the worst of me. I'm tired of friends who consider me to be a nuisance in their life because those are the ones who distance themselves from me, which is fine, but then they automatically question and try to pinpoint how I'll burden them.

It makes me question myself and the kind of friend I am. I don't think it's a healthy mentality. Considering the kind of life I lead, it's easy for me to believe that I'm intolerable. But then I look at the kind of friends I have, strong, independent, unwavering in their sincerity, their honest integrity, compassion, openness, intelligence, and deep understanding. It makes me realize that while a few bad apples may deduce me as burdensome, to allow that notion to question the gesture and commitment of my other friends are undeserved doubts. If I'm so awful, so many amazing people wouldn't be a part of my life.

A lot more has happened today than when I first wrote this blog before my friend even came and picked me up. I had a conversation with someone I just met about delicate information that may have been prematurely confessed. Although I didn't initiate it, to deny my contribution would be deceitful. I don't know if my actions are right or wrong, but I've been advised to follow my intuition.

The same person who gave me this advice probably disapproves of my actions, but I hope he understands that my intentions aren't malicious, misguided at best. I believe he doesn't think the worst in me, but I can sense how irritated he was. Even over the phone, I can feel it and it affected me more than I would've expected. I'm disappointed because I felt like things were going well until something I did again caused this familiar friction that I fear will dampen our relationship. I know I'm over thinking, but I was caught by surprise when I became so overwhelmed when I picked up on his feelings, whatever they were. All I know was that it didn't feel wrong and it was natural, the flow of conversation. I just wish it didn't hurt him the way it did.

It made me think of the dirt more. On the surface, it was damp but closely below it it was dry. The same thing was considerably different, making the same thing no longer identical and different in some way. And yet, even though it was no longer identical, it was still the same thing. Slight distinctions can make a variably contrasting outcome, but its minor differences can be easily overlooked by its insignificance leading people to perceive something other than what's in front of them.

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