Knowing the right choice for me doesn't make the decision any easier because I'm burdened with the paradox of choice. I'm well aware of what I'd be sacrificing because choices are no longer limited to two distinct contrasts but is filled with consequences to factor, subjective perspectives that can fluctuate compromising our position yet again, and a myriad of events we can never take back. Our decisions are powerful and influential, determining the outcome of things based on a series of decisions that can haunt us. So why is that a single event can torment us that much and we can't free ourselves from any mistakes we make along the way if life is full of choices?
I decided to work for the wrong person because I believed in his word and I believed that he was the embodiment of what the company symbolizes. The last part is true, and that's what's so toxic about the place. My decision to work for him is a mistake I'm still suffering from.
I was put in an uncomfortable position where I'd have to lie and deceive people at the expense of their health in order to do my job. Needless to say, I no longer work there. The pay wasn't adequate, but I chose to be a part of that company because the vision is revolutionary. I wanted to be a part of something greater than myself.
After being "laid-off" from a job because the woman I replaced wanted her old job back, a reality I can't prove (even though everyone knows it's true), I felt like the universe was trying to teach me something valuable. Even though I felt like I didn't belong there and it was an awful experience that forced me to tolerate mistreatment (something I was entirely unpracticed in before that job), I continued to work there because it was convenient. I received free hair services, my hours were stable (at the time!) and flexible to a student schedule which is rare for an office position, there was a refrigerator that I could use to store food, it was close to work and school, I could study, and it was easy enough to perform the duties. I lived in a place where my name wasn't on the lease, and there was black mold growing in the bathroom. The place was poorly managed and it was jeopardizing my health, but all of my furniture had a home and I got my own room for ridiculously cheap!
It took a drastic circumstance outside of my control for me to move towards a positive direction. After feeling devastated from a failed relationship, I took on five jobs! It was my way of not dealing. When it came time to prune away at the excess, I chose the company that carried a powerful philosophy. I liked the idea of doing something amazing after feeling so awful.
I had to re-adjust my lifestyle to be able to afford the financial decrease. I could've returned to my comfortable, private one-bedroom lifestyle, but I chose to be a part of what I believed was bigger than me. It turned out to be nothing more than a beautiful lie that still affects me to this day. I haven't been able to find a job since then. I get my food from food banks. I haven't been able to pay off my debt the way I would've liked to.
I look back at the decision I made and realize how wrong it was for me. Five job offers and the one I took still burdens me. Choices may be liberating from confinement, but that liberation may not be the relief you think it is. Until something changes, I have to live with the consequences that resulted from my decision.
It makes me feel stupid and naive. I made mistakes in my life, but this is one I want to recover from. I can't allow it to just be another error in my life. It made me realize who my real friends, where my place is in the world, and what the real burden is to become a writer. I've decided that I want to share my experience with the world.
I know that if I do this, I'll officially end a relationship and quite possibly cause a fire storm. But I've made my decision. Not every choice is going to be easy and can be quite possibly painful with life long consequences, but some pain is worth it. I want my mistakes to be turned into something meaningful.