Sunday, April 18, 2010

No Vehicle for Expression, Day 108

I made a new friend yesterday through a mutual friend who has the same name actually. How ironic is that? Anyways, I had a really good talk with him. A lot of thought provoking ideas were addressed and I gained a lot of insights. It's always refreshing to meet someone I can connect to in that way especially since I've been feeling a little stagnant in my current friendships.

Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, but I like the idea of meeting someone I can have profound conversations with. I have a lot of those kinds of friends already, but the timing has a lot of significance for me because I've been feeling stuck lately. I feel like my feet grew roots and attached itself to the ground below me, becoming a part of the world. That can be great if you ground yourself in fertile soil that'll allow you to flourish. I, however, am at an unstable and uncertain place in my life right now and not in the invigorating, refreshing, and daring sort of way, either. So new changes are a good sign for me.

We talked about writing, what it means to us, how we're connected to it, and how we'd like to utilize it. I'm becoming more and more comfortable by the idea of expressing myself as a writer, but every time I see someone more talented than me, I feel a little bit smaller. Writing is such a passion of mine. I don't know what I'd do without it. Few people are that connected to it, and yet a ton of my friends have just as much talent in writing compared to me, sometimes more.

I realized, though, that what distinguishes me from people like that and what defines me as a writer is the passion that goes into it, not the outward talent. If you wish to look into my soul, read what I write. My eyes can only show you what I see, but my writing is a gateway of my experiences, emotions, and the depth of my soul. Writing is more than a career pursuit for me; it's my vehicle of expression.

My friend curiously wondered what it must be like for people who have no vehicle for expression and empathized with the struggles of carrying that toxicity around without being able to unburden themselves of it. It's been a long time since I've postulated those same concerns. I'm able to articulate accurately how I feel and I used to be proud of that, when I released something. It's like I gave a part of myself away as a way to help myself. Vocalizing my opinions and concerns through words is my talent. I could feel what the positive transference did for me and I firmly and naively believed that people with poor communication skills were trapped in this disadvantageous circumstance where they would be unable to express themselves. I thought they'd always carry unwanted frustrations with them.

This was when I wasn't aware of other vehicles for expression such as art, music, or whatever people channel to manage the stresses of life. It made me realize how limited I was in my understanding of the world in the past. I used to believe that the only outlet that existed for people was through intellect and verbal expression because it's all that I knew and one I was intimately familiar with. I was aware and embraced its value, as though it was the only source, innocently believing that others were inherently disadvantaged.

I've discovered since then that there's more to connecting to life, to people, and the world around us than intellect. Writing has always been my link to creative outlet and I managed to even conform that into a technical art. But the truth is that there's many vehicles for expression. An even greater truth is that everyone should dedicate a substantial amount of time, more than what many of us already commit to it if some of you guys do it at all towards discovering your vehicle for expression. If you can't find one, then you should create one.

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