Be Exposed

Ironically I just created a facebook note for why I've withdrawn for writing incessant posts about asinine activities just to distract people so they won't ask questions. Writing just to write is pointless. When I write on this blog, it's more than just type written words. But I'm not making it nearly as cathartic as I should be out of fear that certain people will be exposed except they're anonymous! Not to mention the people who know already know and the people who don't don't. Anonymity still exists. It'll also keep me honest cuz I'll keep the relevant people informed. And I really need this. Bottling this up is killing me! It's too much and I can't take it anymore.

There's a guy and I've liked him forever. I don't think I've ever liked a guy for as long as I've liked him. -____- I began having premonitions of us together before I even knew he was interested in me. I wasn't even sure I believed what I was seeing were premonitions or disturbingly elaborate and intricate imaginations. It began as images and feelings. Almost like snapshots. Eventually they became longer. And one night I saw a dizzying three premonitions rapidly one after another.

1. He and I get together, but it doesn't work out cuz I'm not over my ex. I hurt him. Things end badly. We slept together a couple times, and he started to have deep feelings for me. It was self-sabotaging because I need him in the future, and he's not there for me. I believe that relates to the premonitions cuz he really helped me with them. I never told anyone about them, and he just knew I was suffering with them and assured me that I had someone to talk to. His support meant the world to me.

2. I wait until I get over my ex, and I'm too late. He gets together with someone else. We remain good friends, but that's it. I still have feelings for him, though. I don't do anything about it, of course, but still... and I was at a bus station crying. He rushes over to make sure I'm okay. I'm squatting in a corner crying, and he comes over to give me a hug. His intentions were completely platonic and that of a friend, but it made me like him even more. I can't imagine him being that person to me, though. In this premonition, he had his old car which got totaled in an accident. That premonition didn't come to light.

3. I wait until I get over my ex and it happens in a timely manner. Things work out. Initially when I had that awareness, I never knew what "works out" meant and I still don't. But I was defensively quick to state that it doesn't mean getting married, white picket fence good. Now I'm not so sure cuz I've seen premonitions of our unborn daughter and as it turns out, he's had his own intuitive experience about our children. That's the last thing I expected him to reveal to me.

I've liked this guy for years. It's the first time I've ever liked anyone so deeply and for so long that I wasn't with. Since then I've seen way more premonitions of us - picnicking, premonition porno, interactions with his family, moving in together, discussing how we would and could clash, the things I do that'd put him off, brief but significant moments. And then there's Izzy. Our daughter.