Saturday, August 6, 2011

What Truly Matters

There were two topics I wanted to blog about today, but I chose to focus my energy on the manifestation entry. I'm glad I did because it felt rather ambiguous, so I wasn't sure if it was worth the attention because it wasn't quite developed, but I think that's sort of the point. Manifesting my desires with focus and selectivity requires attentiveness and precision I'm not fully familiar with yet. So it's understandable that something I haven't quite experienced won't be conveyed with vivid complexity. What's important is that I give it attention and put energy into it so that it can develop and strengthen over time. Create. Manifest.

I also have some other concerns plaguing me. Inception. A conceptualization of a single thought that mutates in your mind like a virus. No, I'm not referring to the movie. This is in reference to my own life. I need to be selective in what I express because once the words leave my lips, I no longer own them and I can never take them back. If I express my concerns to the wrong person, they can just as quickly and absentmindedly articulate a single thought that contaminates my mind. And thus the inception takes root.

It's taken me a long time to feel confident and secure in myself, to feel like I make an impact in peoples' lives, that my absence will cause an emptiness and pain in my loved ones' hearts. I'm slowly beginning to realize the significance of my presence. When I became more open and vocal about my feelings, I began attracting people who did the same. And it's through this altruistic process that I began to realize my worth as others supported and showed me. But such awareness takes time and there are some things I'm more insecure about than others, and it blinds me from the signs that reveal the truth out of fear that I could be wrong.

Sometimes I struggle with being unemployed because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to obtain a job I'm qualified for because there's something else wrong with me or that I'm not fulfilling. The only jobs I get offered are the ones I could've gotten as a teenager with no experience. I decline these offers but not just out of pride. The inner voice is telling me that I need to be receptive to what I deserve and to do that, I have to be available. It's a huge step that I'm trusting myself, while appearing to the outside world that I'm too prideful to accept a job when I need one.

Studies have shown that people inherit natural talents, and the people happiest are the ones that find careers that harness those talents. But spending so much of my life being emotionally-detached, I feel like I've hidden myself from myself. So how am I to know what my natural talents are? Even natural talents sometimes takes a lifetime to reveal, and I'm just now exploring for it.

Writing. Edgy Empathy. Altruism. Motivation. Encouragement. Providing People with Direction. Projecting Self-Reliance. These are my natural talents. I want to incorporate it into a nonprofit. But I have no idea what steps to take. There seems to be this disconnect during the development process and transitioning state because there's a wealth of information available once you have the answers to make it happen. But there's an essential step that must follow once an idea forms. I have ideas but creating it is a blur. It's like you need existing knowledge to make it happen, but the existing knowledge can't form until what you want to build is there first. Yet you can't take those steps without the other. And the cycle perpetuates.

The truth is right now I'm avoiding the inception that's really eating away at me as an effective distraction. I can never know another person's thoughts, and I'm grateful for that. But that also allows growth for my insecurities to seep into my thoughts. That's why it's essential to be positive, to be aware and conscientious of the difference I make in peoples' lives, and surround myself with things and people that support and encourage my growth. Balance and reality is also important, but I think I have negativity, criticism, and an awareness for my weaknesses dangerously over developed. Now it's time to strengthen the neglected, other half.

I've been wondering how I'm perceived and questioning if my intentions, sincerity, and gestures are conveyed, acknowledged, or even reciprocated, as though they're a sign of validation, which is truly unhealthy and so not the point. Through a series of these thoughts, seeds of doubts and fear silently develop. When that happens, there's nothing more comforting than a friend opening up to me and asking for my advice about a delicate topic. Asking is a sign that my judgment and intuition is trusted and valued but an expression of gratitude makes an even greater difference. It reminds me that even in the midst of my own doubts, others believe in me. And these are people whose judgment I trust and value greatly. So it speaks volumes that they regard me highly. So I thank you.

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