3 is a magical number for me and a learning experience came to me in increments of three. On the outside I may appear confident. I know how to carry myself and maintain a confident demeanor, but it's all a facade. If people only knew how insecure I really am. I'm not cocky or arrogant, but I portray myself confidently because I don't want to face my fears. What better way to avoid it than deny its existence by convincing everyone around me that it doesn't exist? Now I feel like all I do is whine, as though I'm making up for all those years of it lying doormat. I think it's healthy, though, because when I face it, I overcome it. I just have A LOT to overcome!
A really good friend of mine and an ex came to visit me recently. I always considered myself to be the topic of rebellion for him. I think every adolescent should go through a rebellious phase, even if the rebellion is directed towards something unhealthy because when we put our foot down and challenge authority, that's when we find ourselves. We learn to defend ourselves. We may not be executing that energy towards the right reasons, but it's good practice for when we grow up and need to demonstrate that kind of attitude for the right reasons. I just assumed that although he liked me a huge part of going out with me was so he can rebel against his friends and family who disapprove of our relationship because I'm not a good Christian girl.
Only recently did he reveal to me that he fell in love with me. I had no idea I made that kind of an impact in his life. Me being me won someone's heart. Who knew... He's now happily married. I love his wife and I'm glad they found each other. Deep down inside, though, I remember thinking that my insecurities run much deeper than superficial reasons. I always thought I wasn't pretty enough to win a guy over. Then I discovered that the woman he chose isn't nearly as attractive as I am. So even my looks aren't good enough. Someone of less physical attraction still has better qualities to me. And I felt horrible for feeling this way because I truly like her. She's such a great person and what I felt is insulting, condescending, disrespectful, and rude! I still felt it, though...
Anyways when my friend came to visit me, he said that his wife's on vacation. He began to miss her in a loving romantic sort of way. Sure sexual feelings were there, too. But as he began feeling that void of romanticism and intimacy, that bond you have with someone, he began to reminisce about me. There's nothing wrong with that! It's good to be able to look back on your relationship and think of happy memories. I thought he was just being critical of himself. But he admits to me that if he had stayed over, nothing would've happened cuz he loves his wife and he knows I wouldn't let anything happen. Still, he realized
No comments:
Post a Comment