Thursday, January 14, 2010

Rock the Boat, Days 13 and 14

It seems like whenever I involve myself in a situation I shouldn't be in for whatever reason, the universe works towards sabotaging or compromising that environment. I moved into a place that wasn't properly managed, and there was black mold growng inside the bathroom. While I could've gotten the property manager in trouble, it would've left me homeless because I didn't have anywhere else to go. I continued to live in a place that was a health hazardous. Since I clearly wasn't making wise choices, I was forced out of it due to a series of events.

I was detached from that situation, but the mistake I made was replacing that very similar situation somewhere else due to my financial limitations. I could've gotten a new job, but I didn't. I could've moved to a different state where rent is more affordable, but I didn't. I could've taken time off from school, so I could dedicate more time to make money and afford to live in a more professional and stable environment, but I didn't. These other choices are clearly extreme, so it's understandable that I didn't utilize those other possibilities. Regardless of why I didn't take another course of action, the bottom line is that the sacrifices I chose to not make had consequences.

So it yet again led me to more trouble. I found another place that was ridiculously affordable and poorly managed. It's not uncommon to live in a place where your name isn't on the lease. A lot of people do it and without much complications. I, however, am not one of those people. And I always knew that. I wish I were, but I'm not. It's time I accept my fate, even if means embracing my cynicism because it keeps me safe.

I've been illegally threatened to get kicked out, so I had leverage. But who wants to be in that situation in the first place? The representative of the property manager has authority he doesn't understand with a nasty attitude. He's unprofessional to an extreme degree. He threw a glass in my direction. The property manager is also shady. The type of man who would appoint someone so stupid to represent him is twisted, too. The property manager refused to give the representative his security deposit back, which was unfair and unreasonable given the circumstance.

What was also unfair and unreasonable is that the representative retaliated by collecting everyone's rent that accumulated to the cost of the security deposit the property manager refused to refund him for and took off with our money. The representative is an asshole, and I'm by no means defending him. Without the exception of me, everyone else genuinely cared for this guy who's repeatedly been out of line. Regardless of the care people provided with him, though, it's not okay to do stuff like that. I'm livid that it happened because it now jeopardizes everyone else's rental situation.

With the representative gone, the lease can be modified. The rent will increase. Utilities will no longer be included in the rent. I could barely afford this dump in the first place. Now I really can't afford to be here. But where can I go? So I'm stuck listening to the property manager lie through his teeth giving a different version of the story to different units. No one else is witnessing it but me which is advantageous for him because I come off hostile and intolerant. He knows what he's doing to me. I know what he's staging. But everyone else just looks at me with disgust.

I've been staying here for school because I'm desperate to get my 2 year degree, not even because I feel that it's beneficial but because I superficially want there to be evidence that I worked towards something and here's the proof. The unfortunate truth, though, is that I can't go to school and work at the same time. I'm just not one of those people. I wish I were, but I'm not. I'm unwilling to sacrifice school. I'm even unwilling to transfer to another school. I'm adamant that I get my credentials from PCC. That's really what's holding me back, my stubbornness.

That's why I've been here for so long because of where the school is located. I was ready to move back to my hometown or move to the East coast a long time ago, but I'm blindly following my stubbornness. When enough things keep falling through as a way to make my current situation more and more impossible, it's time to adapt. But I'm not ready. I don't want to.

I've lost interest in school. I don't even like it. It's evident in my grades and my efforts. Yet I stay. I live in a crap place, so I can afford to go to school while I work. I hate where I live, but I tolerated it because of what it offered me, and now it's gone. For so long, I should've left long ago and never even wanted to be here. But now I finally found a reason to want to stay.

I was never the girl who followed her heart and made vital life decisions because of a man. I was independent and I stood alone. I was detached and one-dimensional. Then one day I met a guy, and I had no idea how much he would change me. I opened up my heart and discovered another dimension to the world I never knew existed before. I was scared and I let everything fall apart.

I was given a second chance that I so desperately wanted only for it to be stripped away from me. I couldn't possibly imagine why something like that would happen until I met someone else. If things didn't end the way they did, things wouldn't have developed the way it did with someone else. Was I hurt by the other guy? Absolutely. What is worth it, just to have this new opportunity present itself? Yes. I never wanted to get hurt like that, but if that's what I had to go through to meet him, I'd experience it again in a heartbeat.

I have this tendency to get myself involved in something I want to be a part of but shouldn't be. It's one thing when I jeopardize myself, but it's another thing when other people are involved. I want to be with him almost more than anything, but most of all I want him to be happy. He can't be happy the way he deserves to be if he's with me.

For whatever reason he's not seeing that, but I can. The kind of relationship that I want and thrive in burdens him. I like having long winded conversations. Not many guys do, so I'm really selective about who I go out with. I jumped into this relationship too quickly. We really like each other. That much is evident to everyone and anyone, but sometimes it's not enough. That's insight I didn't have a chance to discover because we moved so quickly. We live in the same complex.

If I got to know him better, I would've really liked him even more than I already do. But I would've never gotten together with him becase I would know what a burden and how problematic our relationship would be, and I don't want that for him. That's why I broke up with him. There's so much I want to address and not enough time for the way he lives his life. Before I can even get it out of my system, more stuff accumulates. Unspoken tension arises and multiples faster than it gets addressed.

What's even more damaging is that he was willing to listen to me at his expense. I don't want to be the reason why areas of his life is jeopardized. And I can't be trusted to not make those mistakes. I don't want to be the reason why he's held back, and I am. He's an interactive communicator, and that's where he thrives. I'm a conversationalist in the philosophical way. I'm unable to adapt to his method. When he adapts to my method, I feel like I'm stunting his intellectual capacity and growth. He's a deep person, and that side of him gets suppressed as he communicates with me.

I'm tired of unsuccessfully conveying my point and putting my effort into not gaining what I want. All the while I'm wasting his time and draining his energy. I keep him away from what he wants to do and has to do. When I broke up with him, he wanted to talk about it before I make any decisions. But I've been trying to express myself with utter failure. What's the point of telling him that I'm tired of not being able to explain myself when I can't even successfully explain that? And that doesn't even cover details of certain things I want to address, which have accumulated greatly.

He doesn't have time to be in a relationship with me. I don't want to put the efforts to explain myself if I can't be heard uninterrupted because I'm extremely sensitive to losing my train of thought. He's so susceptible to interrupting me, and it's not because he's out of line. I'm so that extreme. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I get mad at him and I don't want him to have to feel my wrath. And for what? To tell him one last time why this relationship is toxic for him? Why put him through that? Maybe he's hurting because we aren't together, but at least this way I saved him the trouble of the painful details behind it. Being hurt by the breakup is an inevitable side effect, but this is one thing I can protect him from.

What's crazy is that I believe I could fall in love with this guy. It's best that I don't because if it went that far, he'd probably be right there with me. So he'd stick around for the pain that came with it. It may have been something he'd be willing to endure, but it's not something he should have to. He's going to find someone else. I know it.

If we stayed together, we could've been really happy. There's pain that exists in every relationship. But I know that with someone else he can experience even more happiness because there would be less pain. I want to be with him, but I want more for him than what I can offer him. I care about him more than he realizes. He's looking for marriage. He wants kids. He wants to thrive. I'm not looking to get married any time soon. I don't even want kids. And I want him to feel comfortable in his own skin. Someone else can offer him that better than I can.

He told me one day that I would make a good wife one day and surprised me by saying some amazing things about me. I thought he saw me as a selfish person, so I never knew he thought so highly of me. He said that's because I take up people's time, and I can't just take up two hours of a person's time. It's fucked up. Maybe it is. If so, I'm fucked up. If we talked before I made any decision about our breakup, I would've been fucked up and that's time he would never get back.

So now I know I made the right decision. I've considered long and hard about the idea of moving back up North. My friend told me about one-bedroom apartments in Berkeley for only $500!!! This is around the same time a friend facebooked me about moving to Berkeley. I never considered it, but it's closeby enough to San Francisco and reasonably commutable. I have employment connections in San Francisco, but the rent is outrageous. Berkeley would be an excellent solution. And if I live near campus, it'll make things even more convenient.

The idea of not being able to see him, hang out with him, and talk to him kills me. I spent the better half of the night crying at the edge of his bed while he and another friend of ours played video games. He thought I spilled water and I was getting sick because of my runny nose. My roommate's been sick, and his immune system has been compromised, too.

I am hurt that he didn't know I was crying because of him, but I'm glad that for once he wasn't bothered by my sensitivity. It seems like the most logical choice that exists. Staying here is a strain. And why should I stay for a guy I broke up with? I don't want to move, but something tells me that it'll help him more than I fully realize at this very moment. Don't I want that for him? Am I excited about the idea of distancing myself from a guy I think I could fall in love with, so he can find someone else? Of course not. But it's time I stop being selfish for a change.

Wha scares me the most now is that my feelings for him will deepen. Like I said if we stayed just friends, I would've fallen really hard for him because I would feel "safe." He makes me feel safe. That's what scared me when we were together. I've been socially-conditioned to believe that most guys are afraid of emotions, feelings, and love. He's not one of those guys. You can be completely open with him, and he won't run away from you. By not having that fear, I had no reason to restrain or hide myself from my own feelings. I felt what I felt without limitations. Who knew how powerful that could be?

I was scared, though. So I hid from my own feelings. If we aren't together, though, or we never got together, I wouldn't be afraid that he'll pick up on my feelings for him. So I would be more honest with myself. A friend of mine once told me about a friend of his who fell in love with him. He's also really caring and you don't have to be afraid about how you feel around him. He won't treat you any differently or make you feel ashamed, but the feelings weren't mutual. I couldn't imagine anyone falling in love with someone they weren't with. It made no sense to me. I'm afraid it will.

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