Sunday, January 17, 2010

Domino Effect Relationships, Days 15, 16, and 17

Thoughts create reality, but thoughts are lucid, intangible, abstract, obscure, subjective, and gray. How can someone create reality that is physical, tangible, and real out of something that isn't? And when someone does because we all do, how do we know what's right and what's wrong? Is that even the right question? We all have thoughts, so we all have our own realities. If we live in our own realities, do we live separately from the people around us or do we co-exist within an overlapping reality? Are the realities one in the same or do they intertwine at certain points?

I ask because my reality is so conflicted. What I believe to be true isn't always the case, so when I build reality from false pretenses, what then? But how can you really know another person? All I have to go on is what I'm told and what I feel. And what happens when I'm told that what I feel is wrong? Or what I'm told is different from how I feel or think I feel? Who do I trust then when I don't trust any of the voices?

I want this relationship to work, and I'm told he feels the same. He puts so much effort into it and into me that it's practically insulting to question his sincerity and honesty. But he seems incapable of being truthful to me with inconsistencies like he tells me the truth to later explaining why he didn't tell the truth and revealing that he's unable to be honest around me. I want to be with someone who can be honest with me. Is that really too much to ask for? Do I not deserve a person's honesty?

What is it about me that makes it difficult for him to be honest with me? I want the best for him, and if I'm standing in his way, I'd rather go. Do I want to be gone? No but given the two choices, that's what I prefer. I don't want to be the reason why he isn't successful. I don't want to be distracting. My biggest fear and hope is that he'll realize his success is more important than my happiness and will leave me. Actually my biggest hope is that he can find a way to spend time with me while tending to his responsibilities.

There's a domino effect with so many things. Meeting my boyfriend when I did saved me from moving away, but it also thwarted me from taking preventive measures of getting screwed over by the representative of the property manager who by the way ran off with everyone's money. Interestingly enough it's because the property manager refused to refund him his security deposit, so the shrimp retaliated by waiting until he received everyone's rent (with the exception of mine because my rent is due much later into the month) which accumulated to the security deposit amount. I'm not excusing the shrimp or anything. It's just interesting that I could've prevented all of this by going after him the first time he showed signs of shadiness.

And because I didn't, I have roommates accusing me that I motivated him to take this course of action. How dare they try and spread the deceit onto me as if that grown adult and con artist doesn't have his own mind! If I treated him more nicely, he wouldn't have done this! How the fuck would you know? Guy's got internet scams, porn sites, international business affairs going on all over the place. They think he screwed everyone over because I upset him? That must be why I was the only one who didn't get financially-scammed right, stupid bitches?

And it's always my fault. No one ever asks why does he do that? Why does he treat you differently? Why do you hate him so much? Why do you treat him that way? What has he ever done to you? Forget the fact that he attacked me. He tried calling the cops behind everyone's back to evict me because my name was never on the lease. If I didn't stop him, we all would've been evicted because almost none of our names are on the lease, not legal leases anyways. I had to reason with the shrimp and make him realize the consequences it would have on him. He tried stealing my stuff by being in my space looking through my shit! No, it's all my fault. No one ever stops to wonder what could've made me tip over the edge!

People fail to see that a Domino effect had to have began somewhere! I hve extreme reactions, but they're reactions. Reactions to what? That's a good question, but it seems like everyone is too stupid to think beyond their own problems or behind five steps to even acknowledge that a root had developed at one point or another. All they see is it's Jaymie's fault because she's the most vocal and confrontational. That's the observational skills and assessment of a five-year old! Those bitches have no idea the measures I've taken to protect all of us. And I know they don't know any of this, but how can you fail to realize that you don't know shit???

"He did this because everyone mistreated him." Again only the basic observational skills and assessment of a five year old who fails to realize that it's a back and forth interaction, which means it began from somewhere. If everyone treats him the same way, maybe there's a reason behind it. No those nurturing bitches have to protect the weak one. And how do you fail to realize that you don't know what you're talking about when there's an absence of content and just air where they should be thought, content, knowledge, understanding, substance? Maybe my rational thought is too advanced for them. After all, I'm thinking like an adult like for example that shrimp has the ability to make his own decisions. That's not logic that'll sink in for them.

There's also the very high probability that the property manager and the representative are both in on it. I've heard them collaborating different ways to scheme people before. Right before this went down, they've been far more discreet and secretive about their interactions. The property manager does appear like he's trying to help us because we're upset, but he has a coincidental incentive to help us. A shady man being helpful doesn't mean that he's not dirty!

Am I paranoid? Totally! But when someone presents ideas about their scams that have been heard by multiple parties, it's stupid to ignore me and blame me for the reason why he screwed everyone over is because he hates me when I'm the only one not getting screwed! Two guys who gave their money to live there have been referred to the police because they got scammed. Now all of a sudden, there's money for lucrative repairs and remodeling. I wonder where that money came from. And when known scam artists seem genuinely stressed it doesn't mean that they're genuinely stressed, ya stupid bitches! They're trained to freak out! You don't want to believe me? Fine. But don't disregard me because they're doing what con artists do best! So stupid! Especially when there are unanswered questions. Just ignore them. Maybe if you blind yourself, they'll go away!

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