Monday, January 11, 2010

Two Opposing Forces, Days 10 and 11

A lot's happened in the past couple of days. Yesterday I experienced a heightened state of awareness that I used to refer to as an altered state of mind. It only came on when I deliberately try to tap into my intuition or as I was getting a premonition. Sometimes my mind goes into that state as a form of preparation, too. But never has it manifested as a result of an epiphany over a relationship.

It opened my eyes to things. It was remarkable. But there are drawbacks to being in a heightened state of awareness. Everything is amplified. It's great if I'm 95% happy, and it feels like 200%. But I could be content with 95%. I didn't ask for the extra boost or the crappy price that comes with it. If I feel like shit, that gets amplified, too.

And I pick up on the feelings of others, too. That's the worst part. I don't want to know how you feel unless you tell me. Even then sometimes I wish people would keep it to themselves. It's confusing, complicated, disruptive, damaging, and strenuous.

I had my first panic of this year. Mark it on the calendar people. January 11. That's just fucking great. I didn't ask for any of this or the other crap that came with it. I feel like I'm being punished for being able to feel more than others. Take it away!

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