Friday, January 8, 2010

Lost, Confused and in Pain, Day 8

I'm tired of restraining myself on this blog out of fear. The whole reason why I created this blog is to face my fears. As a writer, I can't be afraid to write the truth out of fear. I don't have that luxury. That's where the richness lies in a story, the most untold raw truth most people would rather hide from. It's time I stop fighting who I am, or I'll stay in this rut forever.

I'm financially devastated and crushed because I chose a job that I believed in only to be reminded of how powerful illusions are and how painfully deceitful "friendships" can be. I chose to stay silent about it for so long out of a false sense of obligation that I'm no longer a slave to. I shouldn't be afraid that the wrong or, more accurately, the right person will read these words. After all, he knows all of his dark secrets better than I ever could. Deep down he has to know how twisted he is. And if he doesn't, well that's no longer a problem I'm going to burden myself with.

All I know is that there's no good reason to stay silent about how incredibly unhappy I am about where I am and the position he deceived me into. A man who manipulates as a way to further his agenda doesn't deserve my discretion especially when a larger population is at stake due to his perversions and dishonesties. I can no longer afford to coward behind it all. The time to be afraid, ashamed, disgusted, confused, livid, disappointed, and disgraced is over.

I'm disappointed in myself for being a part of it. I'm saddened by what I discovered. I wish reality was the illusion presented to me. My guilt has kept me silent for so long, but it's also poisoned me. Now it's time to suck the poison out, so I can move forward with my life. Maybe then can I find some peace, happiness, and an absence of guilt.

Had I have made better objective decisions, even if that meant I chose to not be a part of a greater mission that turned out to be crap all along, I would've made a smarter and safer choice. My emotional awakening has opened my eyes to other dimensions in life outside of financial security and logical choices. Sometimes taking risks can reward you with something greater than any safe lifestyle can offer you. It was through that process I chose to be where I am today, and it was the wrong choice.

I'm not where I want to be. I missed opportunities that would've been better suited for me and my needs, instead of chasing a dream that was cloaking a dark nightmare all along. It's left me ashamed in myself because I used to be much better at decision making, and it's left me disappointed because of what I uncovered. Not to mention that the financial consequence is going to leave me devastated. I've practically been sent to collections. I have negative $. I can afford virtually nothing.

With the recession and the overwhelming job seekers and small pool of job availabilities, I'm lost and drifting. Since my emotional awakening, part of me wants to take advantage of this opportunity of freedom to discover what I truly want to do and be scrupulous in my decision making because I've always allowed necessity to sacrifice desire. It's left me disconnected and unsatisfied in life. But how am I supposed to sustain even the most basic of lifestyles if I can't even afford rent and use the Burger King bathroom because I can't afford toilet paper? Now I'm hurting because of the stupid decision I made. I can blame others for their dishonesty, but I involved myself in this even if it was under false pretenses.

Everything has a Domino effect. Because of the choice I made, I had to alter my lifestyle. I had to live within my means, which included my living situation. I opened myself up to a mess of drama and shady behavior because of the exchanges I made. When you skimp on quality, you run the risk of inviting something dark. That's what I did.

What I once thought was my glimmer of light is starting to show its own darkness and alter ego. My own darkness and insecurities compromise my perception, as I wonder how much of what I see is real and how much is imagined, a mistake I can't escape from ever since my emotional awakening. How can I expect to find financial security in a financially-depraved society that has nothing to offer but the same mess of drama I'm trying to escape?

The energy I give off is the energy I attract. I'm fearful of what I've involved myself in and don't want to put myself in a repeat situation but because of the mistake I put myself in I'm vulnerable to making the same mistake out of desperation. I'm seeking a new job and have been offered jobs that would offer me the same toxic environment I'm trying to escape. I don't want to return to that, but I have no choice as rent nears. So what am I supposed to do?

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