Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bursting with Emotions, Day 9

^_^ Hello everyone or Urban Buddha 1602! I'm bursting with emotions! I have to clean a corner to utilize. I've actually procrastinated on it, and I used to love cleaning! I mean like truly love it in an intoxicating, liberating, drug inducing sort of way. But I felt discouraged by it recently. The last guy I was with helped me in ways he'll never know. My OCD used to be such an unhealthy crutch, and I never realized that before because it was so mild compared to normal. Plus everyone just assumed my OCD was part of my personality, not a disorder I sustain. My ex was trying to help me learn to function without relying on it so much.

We both knew that it's a part of me, one I wasn't intending on removing nor would that be beneficial. With that said, though, I wasn't being healthy about it, either. I've become a little more unstable and uncomfortable until I had to learn how to operate without it. It's a fair trade, but since then I've become less interested in cleaning so obsessively. I realized how unhealthy it was when I deliberately didn't call him for a few days just so I can be consumed with cleaning. We had briefly talked about going to the beach, and I chose to not call with the justification in mind that it wasn't established. He can call me if he wants.

I was so incredibly selfish and out of line with him. It's in my nature to be distrustful. I do it with almost everyone. I initially formulate a hidden agenda behind everyone's behavior in a reflex sort of way, but I quickly discard it. That isn't to say that it doesn't cross my mind, though. Since I felt so vulnerable and exposed with him, my "reflex" kicked in a lot more. I realized that I channeled my OCD towards him and questioning his motives until I drove him away. I'll never be okay with how things turned out. Years will pass, and I'll never make peace with the fact that he entered my life to be nothing more than a learned lesson. Okay, that's disrespectful and completely trivializing the role he played in my life. But I feel like he came into my life to be hurt so that I can learn, grow, and evolve. He's touched my life and pierced a hole in my soul so that I can feel, see, and experience something amazing. And what did I do in return? Hurt him because the vulnerability of a developing love was too intense and emotional for me. I know everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that it was meant to happen this way. We could've stayed together had I have acted differently, but I wouldn't have grown in that circumstance. But I'll never accept that he practically prepped me for the next guy, and the trade was my growth for his heart. I'll never be okay with how things turned out, but it did turn out that way.

Just as my friend realized this so have I- he was there to help me through the process of finding "me". The closest I've ever come to the earth element was with his assistance. The earth element is grounding. It's a deep element that goes beyond anything than the other elements can ever obtain because of their constantly flowing nature. The earth element evolves, grows, and transforms just like the other elements, but it's still at times, motionless.

And as I read these lines, I realized that this entry took an entirely different tone and turn than I had originally planned. So back on track....I guess I just wanted to provide a background story about my OCD transitions and I elaborated on the journey. The time came today to tackle cleaning. It's inevitable. I began not being too enthused by it. I told a friend who remembered how dangerously obsessed I was with cleaning. I told him about my ex and his influence on my OCD. He said that my ex was weird because he had a problem with me being on my hands and knees. Pervert! Anyways, I realized that my obsessive nature still exists in me and still has a powerful effect over me. It's just that I was on my period, so I felt a little off. But I still love cleaning! I'm excited and invigorated by it, as well as enlightened by it.

I must be careful to not overdo it. I WILL take precautionary measures because as much as I enjoy cleaning and indulging myself, I've realized how self-destructive it is and, more importantly, how destructive, toxic, and painful it can be for the people I care about. A really good friend of mine once told me that it's important I see myself for who I truly am, beautiful, because the voices that haunt me now will only become louder as time passes. He worried for me that I won't learn on my own, that something bad will have to happen for me to want to change. He was right. I sabotaged my chance with the only guy I was with who I could've fallen in love with and hurt him for me to want to change. How twisted is that?

Tonight I'm going to take my first t'ai chi lessons. I hope I find benefit in it. I'm sure it'll be painful and rigorous, although I don't think I truly know that now, but if I find value in it, I'll commit to it. I feel bad because I used to go folk dancing with my friend, but I'm sure he'll understand. He realized that he needs folk dancing more than t'ai chi. He's made his choice, just as I've made my own. For him, the energy of other people, being close to them emotionally and physically, seeing everyone work together, and socializing is a necessary bonding experience for him. I, on the other hand, have to find comfort in discovering myself without the presence and energy of others. I have to harness something that I know exists in me. T'ai chi can offer me that. I don't need discipline or patience in my life, but I do need to make myself a priority and commit to working towards something even if I don't see an immediately productive benefit behind it. Sometimes it's just the journey I have to take. Let the air guide me.

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