Friday, August 14, 2009

Manifestation of Feelings, "Day 18"

I discovered something. I’ve always to some level believed that the energy you possess is the energy you attract. But I never utilized that knowledge. Knowing something without using it is useless information. Every time something in me tried to challenge me about the perpetuating cycle I was in, I would always respond with a stubborn rebuttal that I can’t help being negative because of all the crap that kept happening to me. I think there was an element of truth to that, but I was being single-minded.

Over time the chaos in my life subsided because my circumstances changed. As a result, I reacted differently towards my life and it changed the energy I carried around me. I didn’t willingly manifest a more positive energy as a way to attract better energy. It just led to that result. But recently something changed in me after a really bad breakup with a guy I really cared about. I started attracting laid-back people. I think I realized how much I needed to change and that I was desperately seeking to develop something I don’t have. Eventually these amazing people in my life have affected me in ways I never knew possible. But life is never meant to be mundane for long.

I personally didn’t start attracting the kind of energy I want to stay away from, but it was beginning to approach me. I kept thinking to myself how much I didn’t want that kind of toxic negativity around me in my life. Even if my thought revolving the toxicity was repulsion, constantly thinking toxic, toxic, toxic attracted the very thing I was trying to avoid. It concealed itself in something unassuming and friendly. I wrote an entry a while ago about titled “A Series of Randomness, Day 10”. I met someone who was looking to make friends, so I suggested that he go to a popular coffee social where it’s virtually impossible to not socialize. He seemed like a normal guy, but that was far from the truth. I actually remember thinking keep him away from a specific friend. I brushed that thought off because I thought I was just being racist, even though I’m not a racist person.

I actually think that by thinking of the negative energy, I attracted the very thing I was trying to avoid. It made me realize how self-sabotaging I’ve been in the past. This guy is seriously unbalanced and disturbed. He seemed like such a friendly guy at first. He texted me one day if we were going to be at the coffee house that night. I told him who was going to be there at what time including my schedule. I said that I’d be there by 7:30 pm. He said that he’ll be there for as long as he can and then he’d leave to go have dinner. He said he’ll have dinner whenever he gets hungry. As he was ready to leave, he texted me that if we don’t run into each other if I wanted to have dinner with him the following day or the day after. I replied that I won’t be available until next week and if he would be there at 7:30 pm. His response was startling. “Leaving. No one is showing up. When you say you are busy til next week, is it a cheap way to blow someone off? I don’t know about you but I make time for people. Idont feel like im too good nor too good important for someone to keep them waiting especially indefinitely. I would respond if I was asked sure how’s Tuesday of next week, etc. Nevermind you probably have too many friends anyways in the area. I just dont like to put too much time and effort on someone whether it be just friends or more who puts me at the bottom of their list and too good to put me ontheir list. Its cool, do what you need to do. Sorry for asking.” That is the exact text I received. Pretty intense, right?

I was shocked, offended, and flustered. The text I sent him didn’t go through, which is actually fortunate. I knew even entertaining him with a response is unwise, but I felt compelled to perpetuate the cycle. This is the text that didn’t go through. “You don’t know me very well. When I blow people off, I blow people off. I can’t make time I don’t have. If I was blowing you off and not making time for you, I wouldn’t have told you when I was available. You perceive making time and putting someone on the list as immediacy. That’s not how it works. Making time means taking time when you have time. I don’t know you have time. I don’t know you very well, but I don’t want to associate myself with judgmental people who blame me for someone I’m not cuz I have a lot of friends who appreciate and accept me as I am.” He texted me that he doesn’t get camera or picture images. I took that as a sign that I shouldn’t bother to engage in this confrontation. The only reason why I responded in the first place is because I didn’t like my integrity being compromised, and I wanted to enlighten him on how flawed his perception is in hopes of helping him. It must be difficult going through life carrying that kind of mentality because he’ll always feel rejected. Life would be more satisfying and fulfilling for him if he accepted and saw things in a light where he isn’t perceived as rejected or unworthy. But a part of me knew that a simple text isn’t going to reverse his deeply imbedded mindset. What’s interesting is that as I was getting upset, a massage therapist at the bookstore I was browsing at advertised a complimentary 5 minute massage. Such perfect timing, right? It’s like the universe’s way of offering me an alternative path to follow.

What this experience has taught me is that sometimes appearances can be deceiving. If I can’t trust what’s right in front of me, all that’s left to trust is myself. So I better be refine my intuitive skills. It also made me realize how my self-sabotaging and perpetuating cycle operates. Even if I think that I don’t want a certain energy surrounding me, by thinking of that energy, I inadvertently attract it. The best thing I can do for myself is focus on what I desire, rather than what I don’t desire. My life will flow through the energy I surround myself with. I want the air I’m surrounded by to be fresh and clean so that my world can be positive. How can clear waters flow and be healthy if it’s contaminated? Even fire can be positive if it’s contained. I don’t want it to be ruthless and uncontrollable. But, more importantly, I want clean energy.

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