Friday, August 21, 2009

Proceed with Fear, Day 26

So much has happened. Ever since I slowed down my mind and began becoming more emotionally-receptive I’ve realized that even the smallest of things have immeasurable impact. Fears I've always had manifest and affect me more strongly than ever because I'm now emotionally-connected. There's something about being emotionally-invested in something that makes everything so much more terrifying. Passion is what drives us. It's one of the most exhilarating experiences in life but also the most frightening.

Fear is a common and even natural emotion that we all feel and face. Too many of us allow it to consume us and we surrender to it. We don't like being afraid. It's understandable but unavoidable. We can distract ourselves from the impending fear, but it'll always be there, lingering, waiting, and ready to drain us of our vitality unless we channel and fully embrace how fear makes us feel and transform it into something more powerful. It's better to proceed with fear than live in the shadow out of fear.

I've always wanted to become a writer. I thought I was strong and confident because I would say that openly and proudly, but the truth is that I was hiding from my fear. I couldn't face the possibility that I won't make it as a writer, so I was adamant. Now that the barriers that once existed are no longer there, and I'm left to trust myself, I'm plagued by fear once again. It's not that I had confidence in myself as a writer. I was wearing a mask.

Now that the mask is off, I'm so fucking scared! And guess what? That's okay. Better to experience fear than exist without emotions. I realized that I have to proceed with fear because I can't eliminate fear out of my life. I can't change how I feel until my feelings change as a result of how experiences affect me. I'm not going to wait around until my fear goes away. It may never go away. So I'm going to proceed with fear.

I sought advice from my friend and mentor about becoming a writer. His response moved me in a way he'll never know. I've actually decided to print it out and put it in my binder. I want it to serve as a mantra for me. I was also told by a friend today, "If you don't write, it's on you." Those words spoke to me because I know he knows what he's talking about. I have so many pressures weighing on me right now. It's very possible that the little exposure I have now can become my life. If I were to become that embodiment, it would consume me. That's still not an excuse. If I don't write, it's on me. Better to have tried and failed than to not have tried at all. I may not believe that in its entirety in other aspects of my life, but it definitely applies to writing.

I want the air to travel where it must. I want to follow it and see where it leads me. I want to grow and evolve just like the earth has. I want my emotions to flow through me like the rivers and waterfalls. I want the passion in my heart to ignite my dreams, and set them on fire. But I want to control it, so it doesn't burn everything in sight. It's through this that I'll find my balance, my center. Above all else, I will be me. Who am I, you ask? I'm a writer.

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