Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I See Things, Day 17

I think I’ve always had the ability to see things. As a child I would constantly beg myself to not see spirits. I think I saw my first spirit when I was seven or eight years old. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened before that. I’ve always believed in that kind of stuff, but it took me a really long time to accept it. I never thought that I was schizophrenic, but it would be more convenient. I lived in a paralleled world. I believe these things, always have. But when it came time to approach what I saw, I told myself that I had to have imagined it. I was really dismissive about it.

Not everyone believes me or this other reality. That’s okay. For a really long time I struggled with that, and it confused me. I knew that I didn’t care if anyone believed me or not, but I reacted as though I did. I was discreet about all of this. The truth is that I was afraid that I did believe it. I didn’t care about what others thought. Now that I’ve accepted it, I’m more at peace with it.

This is a good thing. But sometimes I don’t like that I get premonitions. Instead of it warning me or feeling like it’s offering me a preview, it’s more like a constant reminder that something’s coming to such a frequency that I can’t enjoy the moment, and I’m daunting what’s to come. I accept that this is how I feel, but I’m no longer fighting it. I can’t ignore or shut it off. That’s like trying to use a door to stop a flow of water from entering. I might as well move some stuff aside (mentally prepare myself) and open the door (accept it) to allow the water (premonition) to flow because one way or another it will enter.

I used to have such difficulty managing my emotions that I became overly logical. But I was also imbalanced in many ways, and I finally figured out why. It’s because I was trying to be someone I’m not. I used to perceive being emotional as being unstable because of my experience in how I managed it. But by being detached, which I shouldn’t be, other problems manifested. I’ve changed a lot. I’m more receptive and better able to manage my emotions, so I don’t become imbalanced when I embrace it. I am an emotional person. By being who I am, I’ve reached more stability than I ever have in my life.

A huge part of that is accepting my gift, which sometimes I react to like it’s a curse. When I was younger, I was told by so many different people (friends, psychics, parents of friends, strangers, people who had no connection to one another who never knew what others have told me) that I shouldn’t tap into my intuition or else it would make me suicidal. Right before then, my intuition sprouted super fast. My life was so hectic that I barely noticed it until people slowed me down and I was forced to observe it for myself. I started to shut down, which I truly believe was the right decision for me at the time. A lot’s changed since then, though.

It’s amazing how transformation works. It seems like it was almost instantaneous when in reality, it’s been building up to this for a long time. The contrasting transitions have just become noticeable now. As I change, I attract new energy and, therefore, new people into my life. A really good friend of mine who has a similar gift revealed to me that he doesn’t use his powers at all, but I need to decide for myself what I’m going to do. I know he thinks that a time will come for me when I have to follow my own path, which is different from his. I just know, deep inside, that my time will come.

Ever since my gift has surfaced so to speak, I’ve began creating terms and observing certain significance. For example, 3 is my symbolic number. I’ve always bounced off of other people’s emotions, but I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I didn’t know where it was coming from or that it was even external. I just felt emotional like I was swimming in an emotional Chef’s salad so to speak. There were all these feelings mixed in there randomly. I didn’t understand or grasp any of it. Now I have a better handle of it. There’s how I feel. There’s how the other person feels. And there’s how I feel in reaction to knowing how the other person feels. Imagine how confusing it would be to experience all of that without knowing the distinctions. I know that these bounced emotions work in threes, and it still throws me.

I first became aware of this when I was hanging out with my last boyfriend. A little before we got together, my mind started to slow down. I started to feel things, but they just seemed like they were miscellaneously floating around. Knowing him, feeling him, and experiencing a feeling that’s distinctly and competitively contrasting from mine made separating them easier. We also talked about how we felt and perceived things. These insights were invaluable.

When I get premonitions, I get them in waves of threes. These premonitions are specific. Each premonition contains characters, my feelings, the other person’s feelings, a storyline, a visual aid, a distinct sense of time difference, a familiar but different version of me, etc. Three very similar premonitions hit me, and it’s usually about the same circumstance or person but different possibilities are presented. So I call these triple effect. I also have what I refer to as “triggers.” When I’m around someone, I get a premonition. But these premonitions I think only occur because of the proximity of being around that person and their energy. When I’m triggered because of their presence, the premonition is a lot vaguer. It’s usually just an image, still or close to still, very minimal movement. I refer to these as “flashes.” I may get a sense of feeling, but it’s minimal and simple. They aren’t complex and dynamic like the triple effects. I mostly see pictures. But what’s interesting is that in the triple effect, I feel like I’m watching it from an observer’s point of view. When it’s a flash, it feels like I’m experiencing it myself. But somehow I feel drawn out of it and see it from an outsider’s perspective. Interestingly enough, I think that occurs later, as if I’m re-entering the flash. There are other types of triggers, too. Sometimes a movie can cause a trigger. If a movie similarly conveys something that can happen in my future, it can cause a trigger. There’s also an energy ball that echoes. I may feel or sense something. Sometimes I may not sense something but I remember it differently from other things. When I talk about it, I make a tiny ball with my finger. I say that it’s like an energy or vibe I sense. Each time I feel it, the energy becomes bigger, brighter, clearer, and stronger. The more exposed I am to it, the better I start to understand it. Each time I feel the energy ball, it echoes what I felt before. The more I feel it, the more it ties together. I’m not sure I like the term “energy ball”, but it’s all I got.

I was telling a friend once that there are so many different types of people in this world, that there’s someone out there who shares the same belief system; we just have to find those people. He’s all about multiple girls, but he’s always been open about it. He used to hate it when girls would ask him if it was monogamous, but now he prefers to be open about it from the start. I told him that to me he felt conflicted and didn’t accept his own desires, so he wasn’t comfortable admitting it. But now that he knows what he wants, has embraced it, it’s easier for him to be open about it, and he attracts girls who are looking for the same thing. Whatever energy you possess is what you attract. I want to attract honest, open, real people. That’s why I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not anymore.

It’s more natural to be open and accepting about all of this. The less conflicted I am, the better I feel. I used to think that embracing this gift will make me unstable. At first the shift in differences did affect me, but now it works. I truly feel that it’s inevitable, so it’s best that I learn to navigate. I don’t want to jump into the water but maybe dip my feet in it.

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