Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Our Experiences Flavor Our Soul, Day 23

I have this strong and dominant presence about me. Everyone can feel my energy. In the past I wasn't receptive to the feelings of others, so I never realized that I have this innate ability to absorb and transmit the energy around me until recently. There's a lot I've discovered about myself that I never knew before. I always knew that I wanted to become a writer. I always knew that I wouldn't become a statistic. I always knew that I had to follow my own path. It was easy to recognize what path wasn't meant for me. I was adamant, strong, and clear. So I thought I knew myself. But I was wrong. A guy I was with for six years one day told me that I come off like I have a strong sense of self, but he knows it's bullshit. I wasn't fully aware of how true his words were and still are.

I had a contrasting experience that enlightened me about the depth of my heart. "For one person to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation." Rainer Maria Rilke. My friend actually posted this on facebook the same day that I read it at a bookstore. That's symbolic to me because I felt connected to her when I read a poem she wrote.

Those words speak to me because I realized that when I was with the last guy I had depth in my heart I never knew existed, but I also discovered after the downfall of our relationship that it's also a lot shallower than it should be. More importantly, shallower than I want it to be. He was sadly preparation. That speaks volumes for how much I have to grow and evolve. I hate the idea that he came into my life only to get hurt because I haven't grown.

A friend once told me that it's twisted but I like being in my head. I enjoy it. It torments me, but I enjoy it. It's true or it was. It's what I know and what I'm familiar with. He feared that something awful will have to happen for me to want to change. He was right. I lost the love that could've been. I can't think of anything worse. But I am here, and I am now. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm where I am today because of the experiences that led me here. Our experiences flavor our soul but sometimes too much. That's why it's so important that we be selective about the people we surround ourselves with. Their energies resonate in us. And that's what we transmit back out into the world.


  1. my mother used to tell me that the people we have as friends reflects back to who we are, it is true.