Tuesday, August 25, 2009

It's Not About the Celebration, Day 30

My 365 a day project has finally reached its one-month anniversary! Yay! Now that it's finally happened, I'm wondering why I deluded myself into thinking that this isn't something I can do. I was trying to come up with ways I can celebrate. I considered asking this guy who works at the farmer's market suggestions for incorporating the air element because he commented that he has too much of the wind element. That's the exact opposite problem I have, so I thought about asking him if he had any suggestions for me. I never got around to it and didn't feel like asking the next time I saw him.

It left me wondering how on earth I can or should celebrate the big 30 day event until it dawned on me that it isn't about the celebration but the changes that occurred since the birth of this blog. Day to day, I don't stop to think how much I change in a month. But reflecting on this blog, it's apparent that even in brief moments I grow. I'm beginning to realize that although it's rare and brief, I do have moments where I'm clear-minded, a difficult task I've been struggling with my entire life. I found a home for my thoughts where I can release my emotions and fears, a fairly new and foreign concept to me. This blog has allowed me to embrace and accept who I am.

I've become open about the fact that I get premonitions, and it's made things less scary. The more open I am about it, the less crazy it is than I once suspected it would be. It brought stability into my life. It also brought an awareness of feelings. A good friend of mine used to look at me with confusion, disappointment, and shock, while saying to me that it's like I'm not human. I didn't understand what he meant until now. Who knew how much I was missing out on by being so emotionally-disconnected?

I sheltered myself from inevitable pain by delaying it a little, which may have been worthwhile at one point in my life, but it also kept me from understanding how life works. Life is about taking risks, so you can get hurt and fall into a pool of depression. Without that kind of pain burdening us, what incentive will we have to rise above it? As my friend beautifully expressed it, "Words can cut you like a knife. You bleed into a large pool of sadness." It's through that experience that this blog was born. I remember the pain, and I still feel the pain. But I also feel a change in me, a change for the better. That's what I should celebrate and appreciate, the little things. This blog has allowed me to observe my behavior, and it's revealed to me how powerful and influential my feelings are. That's a concept I would've never understood in the past. So today I choose to silently celebrate the changing me and the woman who inspired me. Urban Buddha 1602, I thank you.

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