Thursday, August 20, 2009

To Overcome Fear, "Day 25"

I know that it's already the next day. I was originally going to race against time and invest all of that energy into panic and anxiousness only to realize that although I've committed to blogging daily, it's not productive to do so if it's going to stress me. This blog is supposed to be therapeutic. I want to connect more with the earth and wind element. That means going with the flow, instead of charging against it.

I made my choice. I know that I'm supposed to blog daily. But I began talking to friends instead, which I'm glad I did. I hope I was able to help them. It's not like I didn't know that it would interfere with my daily entries. I had my topic all figured out and everything, but my thoughts had time to marinade. This entry would've been premature beforehand. Little would I have known at the time, though.

I originally named this blog, "I'm Not Ready." Then I renamed it "I'm Ready." The topics were about two different things. Given enough time to reflect and re-evaluate my perspective, I decided to go with "To Overcome Fear". It encompasses both original entries but will focus on a different aspect.

My first entry would've focused on realizing how not ready I am about someone in my life. I don't think getting premonitions and being able to see the future is a gift. I think the power that allows us that access it is a gift because it's a gateway to a different world. I have access that others don't have. I was selected, and others weren't. But to see the future? Is it a benefit? I don't think so. It doesn't make things easier or clearer. It's just another example of the Paradox of Choice.

I'm not ready to discover if how I feel and what I perceived to be true was right or not. I thought I was. I want to know how things were even though I feel that it's no longer the case because I want to know if I can trust myself or not. I want to know if I was wrong. I just want reassurance. But deep down if I remove my fear and doubts, I know how things were. And if I was wrong, I would still feel the same. So why do I need to know? I may be tormenting myself about my own perception in relation to the role I played, but I'm certain in the opposite regard. I want to know what he felt then. And I want to know if he likes the girl I saw in my premonition, even though I'm confident that she's real and what I felt was right. Both are premonitions. Why is it easier for me to believe that this other girl who I've never met or heard about is real and that he has or will develop feelings for her, but I'm able to accept that at least at one point he liked me? I was there. I lived it. What's wrong with me?

I know I couldn't bring myself to ask him. So I thought about using a subtler approach, but I'm still not ready to learn the truth. People say it's better to know the truth than always wonder. I agree with that, but I'm not ready to step into that light. Just like I always knew that it's better to eliminate chaos and drama in your life, it took me a long time to truly be ready to live that reality. It's selfish for me to want to know for my own reasons because I'm insecure. I think I've burdened enough people in my life with my fears and doubts. This is my burden to carry, no one else's. If he truly likes her and things are supposed to work out for them, it will. Regardless of why I'm hesitating whether it's for the right reasons or not, if I'm not comfortable proceeding, then I shouldn't. Every action has a consequence. I don't want my interference to mess with the possibility of him being happy even if it isn't with me.

I may not be ready to face some things, but I'm ready for other things. I had a really good talk with a friend about how meditation affects me. My pupils dilating and feeling light-headed has always left me too scared to do it again. What he made me realize is that I can achieve an altered state without the use of drugs. An altered state is your body's way of trying to tell you something, and I ran away from it. It makes sense. It's new and foreign. The unknown scares people, and I'm definitely guilty of that. But if it's keeping me from breathing, then I definitely think it's something I have to explore. It's something I need to explore.

He gave me peace of mind to approach what I know I have to do. Am I still scared? Absolutely! But now I know what I have to do. His insights helped me greatly. I don't want to call it a casual conversation because that'll trivialize it, but it was one of those conversations where you didn't expect some profound discovery. Sometimes those are the best kind. Shortly after that experience, another friend of mine asked if I started meditating and offered to direct me towards books that can help me if I'm ready.

That's when I realized that he felt I was ready. That means the world to me. I'm not surprised that he observed that, but his insights and opinions mean a lot to me. They carry a lot of weight. It's great having that reassurance. He said that there have been subtle changes that made it apparent. He said he knows I'm scared but that I'm ready. It's true. I think there are some things I'm ready for when the fear dissipates. This isn't one of them. I'm scared, but I have to proceed with fear. To overcome fear I have to proceed with fear, wherever the wind takes me.

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