Sunday, August 2, 2009

My Addictive Manifestation, Day 7

I feel like I'm racing against time as I fill with unwarranted rage and frustration. My addictive personality manifested itself today but was distracted at a spiritual retreat that I couldn't properly focus on and the company of good friends. My incessant nature quickly returned as the next day is ticking away as I type these words. My mind is racing. My mental state, unstable. A spark begins to ignite a flame I try hard to paralyze. But all I am now is filled with anger. I'm consumed by a fiery element that's stunting my ability to use words to express my emotions properly. I feel disconnected to what I'm typing in a way I haven't felt since I've began this blog.

In every entry before this one, I felt connected to it as though a part of my essence went into it. I feel nothing from this as if my soul is empty. My toxic anger spread like fire and evaporated my soul because there was no room for both. Too detached to hate how I feel, while knowing how unfounded my feelings are. My addictive state of mind is perpetuating displaced anger and frustration. I worry that this entry won't be posted before this end's day because I wasted my time listening to a poem that I wasn't receptive to because of my desire to fulfill this project I've committed to. As I've mentioned earlier, I feel too empty to feel guilty for being upset about having to be a part of that when I didn't ask for it and expressed specific interest to do exactly what I am doing now. I can appreciate my friend wanting to include me in something that's important to him, but it went against what I desire, something that was expressed. Instead I impatiently waited for words to reach dead ears because all I thought about was this toxic entry.

What a day I've had. I woke up to text slams and an unsatisfying morning walk that I normally find to be grounding because of the overload of cars that invaded the private streets I usually leisure at. I came home to fill my wish list on amazon and etsy with unnecessary products that any cart can choke on. I remember thinking that it's been a long time since I've been this unproductively focused. I was filled with a sense of mindless devotion to the task at hand and a mixed feeling of wrongness as my stomach gnawed at me. Half the day went by without me eating because my time was consumed with such pointless task until I became obsessed with the idea of hiking.

I called a friend to see if he wanted to go. Instead we made plans to go to a spiritual retreat. I told him that I didn't really feel like I had to go hiking especially since I'll be going tomorrow, but I have this mentality that I have to go hiking. Such an obvious and profound conclusion was shared with me. I want to get away. Why? I don't know. Perhaps it's the premonitions that was filling in my head the night before while I was watching Orphan, or the idea of my next move before this current one is even complete. I'm not sure what plagued me, but I wanted an escape.

Earlier in the day I found the spiritual retreat to not be quite what I had expected but more beneficial than I feel it is now as I feel less receptive in my given state. I was in a self-seeking mood when the tone of this meeting was resembling more of a council meeting with one person talking as a well-intentioned person unhelpfully interrupted in an attempt to help me no less, making the presentation choppy. My concentration was flying like a kite, floaty and uncontrolled until something captivated my attention as the next topic proceeded. I only found it appealing when it applied to me. I suppose that's how it works for everyone, but I realized how superficially self-centered I was. I suspect that if I didn't go there without a selfishly perceived notion of how the experience was going to be I may have reacted differently.

It's interesting how a simple turn of events can influence a person's emotional state greatly and alter our perception of what had already happened. I can tell that I'm just going through a phase. While I may not have been happy with some circumstances today, that's no different any other day. I've never experienced a single day that I didn't wish was different somehow some way. It's how we react to them that I find crucial. Today my addictive personality is fueling my stubbornness and taking everything out of proportion as I singlemindedly feel how I feel. Logically, I know it's inaccurate. Emotionally, I know it's wrong. Mentally, I know it's unhealthy. But in me this is how I feel, frustrated and angered as the wind blows by and I can feel is the fire drying my otherwise splashy emotions.

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