Saturday, August 1, 2009

I Don't Know How To Feel, Day 6

Sometimes I'm not sure how to feel or what to think. I know that feelings can't always be confined to explanations. Emotions aren't always explainable. That's the point, but I don't always find peace in that. Some things in life are worth waiting for. But how do you know when it is? I'm usually so used to pushing for what I want that I have no experience in passivity. Maybe that's not the right word. I feel like passivity can be interpreted as a derogatory word, and that's not how I meant it. What I'm trying to express is that I'm beginning to slowly realize that pushing for things isn't always the way to go. But I also feel that you have to work towards what you want and waiting around for things to occur when you can make them happen is the mentality of a spoiled brat. On some level I know I'm being singleminded. Sometimes you have to let shapeless things form.

The earth evolved over time, not by defining itself but by allowing the air and water to travel to its unestablished destination to make it what it is today (among a bunch of other scientifically advanced and complicated factors that I won't elaborate on). I'm starting to discover that the reason why I may not trust people so much is because I don't let people show me. I'm too busy doing everything myself to allow anyone the chance to prove to me that I don't have to do everything myself. Yet I worry that if I don't control the outcome, opportunities that I can ensure will never come to pass. Then again, I wonder how much I deserve it if it's not handed to me. Sometimes I should just let the wind blow and travel its own course.

I'm not impatient, but I have symptoms of impatience because of my productivity. If I feel that something isn't productive, I tend to focus my energy elsewhere. But by being so singleminded and quickly judgmental, I may not allow for elements to develop. I do believe that some things are worth waiting for, but I also believe that waiting can be a waste of time. Why allow destiny to make decisions for me when I can do it myself? I suppose that's the answer I seek. And the only way to learn this answer is to allow destiny to make decisions for me. Entering the abyss of the unknown......

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