Monday, August 17, 2009

Cluttered with Thoughts and Emotions, Day 22

I wrote this entry yesterday, but I forgot to post it. Oops....

Here I thought that committing to a daily blog would be difficult because I'd run out of ideas to express. But as my friend put it, people who have a lot to say usually have a lot to write. Come to think of it, it's almost amusing and air-headed of me to think that the challenges and struggles that plague other people would be my own. As if my life would be that convenient. If that were the case, I'd be able to draw on the experiences of others and learn from it. While I do, I have a lot more twists and turns I have to modify to make it my own after a series of trials and errors. It's interesting how self-reflection works.

This blog has been a great experience for me. Even though I have an astute ability to analyze and observe, I reach conclusions so quickly that I don't always consciously process the accumulating details. This blog has allowed me to reflect on a more productive level, and it's made me realize how unique and interconnected I am with others. I've reached a point in my life where I appreciate the difficulties I experience that rarely seem to plague others because I can finally see the benefits that I'm fortunate enough to be blessed with. My mind is usually cluttered, burdened, and racing with thoughts. My challenge with blogging daily isn't about finding things to write about. It's refining, narrowing down, and prioritizing what I want to write about.

I've always felt like the core of who I am is a writer. I still believe that. I relate to things as a writer. But I haven't appreciated things from a writer's viewpoint until this blog. I experience things in my daily life that compels me to write, but another thing happens and that compels me to write. It's a blessing and a curse, a perpetuating cycle. It's today that I realized my addictive personality and compulsive nature is manifesting itself and uprooting itself in my passion. What a clever move to make. My addictive nature wants to survive and doesn't want me to suppress itself. It's an inner turmoil of conflict. The best way to sustain its existence is to clutch onto something that I'm unwilling to kill off.

This is so me! I'm paradoxical by nature. Emotional and emotionally-disconnected. Analytical but unobservant. Astutely observant but lacking analytical thought process. At a logical extreme or totally air-headed. So why wouldn't my medicine also be my poison? I don't have a set of two like most people. I have an interchanging, fluid state of things that can either be good or bad depending on my mood. That's why trying to fight or resist the dark side of me fails. It's only by accepting it will I be able to move forward.

I'm influential and have a dominant and powerful energy. I can sense that with some people how I feel can be emulated and mirrored by them. I have to guard myself and others against them. I'm a strong believer in freewill. Having such a presence, I believe that my self-sabotaging nature is deeper rooted than I originally realized. If I think that something is platonic or nothing will happen, I think my energy plays a role in the outcome, which isn't to say that others don't contribute either. I just think it's one reality I have to be more aware of. Another motivating reason for why I want, need, and should silence my mind. My compulsive thoughts can influence things in ways I don't want it to.

I realized that water has a therapeutic effect on me and helps to wash away my worries that plague me. I used to see water as a emotionally fluid, rapidly changing, unpredictable force. But it's also cleansing, powerful, and purifying. I don't always have to be a hostage to the water element. I think by letting the water wash over me, I was more grounded. It's when I'm grounded that I feel I possess more of the earth element. When I feel more connected to the earth element, I'm receptive to the air element.

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